my teen is ignoring me - for no apparent reason. How to deal with being blanked

[ErnesttheBavarian]

ok, my ds is 15. He has been ignoring me since Saturday. I don't know why. He will not speak to me or make eye contact with me. If I speak directly to him he will answer either with a grunt or 1 word, while looking studiously at the wall behind me.

I have asked his wtf is going on. "Don't know what you're talking about"

I rage at dh in frustration. He tells him off. Not acceptable behavior etc etc. Tells him to apologize. All I get is (while looking at the effing wall) "I'm sorry you're upset" which is a deliberate and total "fuck off".

I am fucking livid about it tbh.

It's the 3rd or 4th time that he's got the hump about something and decided I'm total scum. I really want an effective way to deal with it, ideally as soon as it begins. It makes me feel so angry and powerless. I bet he doesn't even know now wtf triggered it. I sure as hell don't

Bit of background. My sister has form for this. She ignores people when she is pissed off with them. She ignored me literally for about 8 years because she got the hump about who knows what at our granddad's funeral. She did not recognize the birth of any of my 4 dc and only got back in touch after one of my many attempts (letters and phone calls, which I did because it was breaking my mum's heart and was such a strain for her). Why do I always have to do the running to fix this mad fucking behavior?? She also ignored my mum for many years too. My mum wrote her a letter every single week for all those years till she finally deigned to get in touch. Honestly if my sister started blanking me again now iI think I'd just leave her to it. My mum treads on egg shells every fucking time she talks to my sister for fear of upsetting her.

And now my ds is behaving like it. My head is exploding. wtf do I do?

Can your DH take him out somewhere and have a 'father to son' chat about how ridiculous and unreasonable his behaviour is towards you? If he is nice to his dad (in front of you) and dad is not pulling him up on his behaviour then your DH is in some way 'enabling' this behaviour.

My DS goes through periods of being rude and grumpy (not as much as your DS by the sound of it though) and tough though it is, I just try to remain bring and breezy and not let him know that it affects me. Just count the days until he leaves home .

On the pocket money subject - some of you sound very generous - my DS (14) gets £10 a month - direct to his bank account. We pay his phone contract (£9 a month); clothes/shoes are Christmas/birthday presents - and certainly no designer labels .

Oh and confiscating stuff has one effect only - it makes him mad. I don't bother with power games like that, it's not effective at all.

I would second the suggestion of taking him out somewhere neutral and sit down and have a chat with him. There must be something bothering him to be acting this way.

Do you have an open relationship with him?

Also, he is still a child. As much as he probably doesn't think so. You are the adult and i would make it clear that you wont tolerate being treated this way.

Can i just ask, does he do his own washing, ironing as you said you are no longer doing it for him? How is he doing at school?

I'd get his dad to talk to him too. You say he's never like this with your DH, why isn't he making more of an effort to talk to him and get through to him how utterly disrespectful he's being towards you? If it's just a random hormonal teenage grump, he needs to snap out of it, and if there's some perceived slight, it would at least help to know what on earth it was.

Sorry, i just wanted to say my ds has just had his 16th birthday, so i do understand that they can be difficult at this age. If it is out of character though, this would worry me...

Thread title says "How to deal with being blanked" so I will naively assume OP really is open-minded.

My take on it is: I can't believe you let it bother you. Maybe my teens would never do this to me because they know it's not a button. Heck, I'd probably dance a jig if an irritating housemate merely ignored me for a few weeks.

He hasn't screamed at anybody who did 15 favours for him because they failed on the 16th favour; he hasn't threatened violence. He isn't getting detention for failing to do homework or calls home from teachers to beg him to do some work. He hasn't stayed up until midnight and then missed the train to school or refused to do household chores and your other children didn't dance around in glee when he left the house for a few hours.

From what you've said all he's doing is being quiet & uncommunicative for reasons he doesn't feel like sharing. For a total of 48 hours. You're insisting on seeing that as a personal insult. I can't understand OP at all.

it is a personal insult though when he's perfectly normally behaved, friendly, jokey with his dad and siblings and the minute I speak to him he stares at the wall behind me and goes monosyballic and just palin rude. then I walk away and he's normal again. How can I not see that as being personal against me It is personal. And it's rude. And he hasn't even got the decency or manners or courage or whatever you want to call it to say I am annoyed with you because of xyz. Because xyz doesn't even exist

I wish this was one of these threads where everyone is in agreement.

One person says confiscate his stuff. The next says confiscation is a pointless power game.

BTW I had a parent s evening with his school not so long back. Almost all teachers said he is very quiet in school. School work is ok, not brilliant but ok. He is present but doesn't participate. There isn't 1 teacher that he knows well that knows him well, so doubt I'd have any joy there. He wants to leave school. His best friend is leaving this year and he's got 3 more years. He is a bit of a fantasist. Thinks he's going to go trekking through Africa with a few quid in his pocket. And conquer in the world in a year or 2.

I really think that you should be looking for ways to support and help him. Look at the language you are using to describe him, and to quote you, you rage at your dh about him. Your behaviour is not ideal in this situation. All teenagers dream, and yet you're holding this against him. Calling him a fantasist for for wanting to go traveling, you could be helping him do that by encouraging him to get a Saturday job and saving up.
Yes and don't get locked into power games no one wins them.

What he's doing sounds like perfectly normal teenage behaviour to me. He's 15 and hormonal. Teenage boys do that (I've had three of them, btw). He's pushing your buttons because he knows it annoys you, and probably doesn't even know himself what's wrong.

My advice would be to grit your teeth, don't react, ignore the behaviour you don't like & act normally. Punishment is pointless, unless it's for something very specific. Otherwise it will just cause resentment.

When things have settled down, which they will, then you can have a quiet word with him about how his behaviour makes you feel. There's no point even trying when he's in a mood because you won't get through to him.

I've had to learn this the hard way. My natural instinct was to go in all guns blazing, which only made things worse. DH once said to me after I'd had an enormous row with DS1, 'remember who's the adult here.' He was right.

I'm not criticising you in any way, just telling you what worked for me. You have my sympathies because I know how difficult teenage boys can be.

Oh, and I doubt this has anything at all to do with your sister's behaviour.

I'd ask what I could do to improve our communication. And then if / when he speaks, listen without judging. Don't get into an argument but let him have his say.

I would also be frank that I feel upset at being ignored. But then leave it at that.

Teenage boys do that

If either of my teenage boys singled out a person to ignore, be it family or friends, I would put them straight on what is acceptable behaviour.

It is the fact that he has singled out only the OP for this behaviour that takes it beyond hormonal teen behaviour. At school in a peer group it would be considered bullying to exclude someone like this.

But soup the ds May merely be avoiding the op whilst she is being very angry.

Except she is angry because he is ignoring her.

Well some one needs to stop acting like a stroppy teenager and start acting like a parent.

another one here who thinks this is normal

I know a few teenage boys who behave/have behaved like this

DS (17) used to do it a lot. Luckily for me, my SIL had been through the same thing with his cousin. She told me that cajoling/threatening didn't work, and that the best thing to do was to just carry on as normal. don't ignore, don't take things off him/restrict his internet etc- just be polite, friendly and above all don't let him know how upset you are

just let him know that, if there's a problem, you're available/willing to help any time

aha sorry missed the post where you said it wasn't a general not talking, but that he'd singled you out

Can you think of anything that would have triggered this off?

I'd still say ignore the behaviour but don't ignore ds, iykwim. And, as other posters have said, ds isn't your sister!

The thing is that at the core of this is you want him to like you and be reasonable and only be pissed off when he has an explainable reason.

What you have to do is tell yourself that theres nothing wrong with YOU and really believe it.

His behaviour is his and not controlled by you and his twattishness is not because you've raised a twat but is more likely to do with him needing someone to act up with.

They always do it with the person who loves them the most and is the most forgiving - that's you in this equation.

When I want better behaviour from children I ignore them more and are much less people-pleasing with them.

If I can cope with their twattishness then I can just let them get on with it, knowing it's not about me or our relationship but is just a temporary need for them to act out.

Definitely don't let him see how made this makes you. Carry on as if everything was perfectly normal. Be cheerful. Be super cheerful in fact. Have lovely fun conversations at the dinner table - up to him whether he joins in or not. And don't project your sister's issues onto him.

Could you try answering for him? Do it all in a cheery voice. Call him out on his rudeness while making a joke about it.
e.g.

"DS what would you like for breakfast?"

"Well Mum, I would like cereal and toast, but I am in a colossal teenager strop and cannot bear to look at you, much less speak to you because your shining beauty and goodness is too much for my eyes to bear so I will just stare at the wall and go hungry thanks"

or

"DS, how was your day at school?"

"Well mum, as you know, I find it hard to open my mouth in your shining presence so I will describe it for you through the medium of interpretive dance"

"That bad huh?"

at slug

God, I love sarcasm

I used it recently yesterday with dd:

"Ah I see you're trying to avoid wrinkles with the prolonged use of resting bitch face"

Oh and if he does ask you for a lift or favour you have to respond with 'no' but do it very very nicely - laugh and say 'oh ds you are a silly sausage - of course I'm not going out of my way to help you out given your current attitude - but bless you for thinking I would - I do admire your optimism!'

he'll absolutely hate this, but at least he'll know that you're really not affected by his stroppiness.

I think it might be to do with loosing his best friend. He is taking out his frustration on you because you are the "safe" one to do it on.
He daren't with his father. He's quiet at school and his friend is leaving.

I wouldn't rise to the bait with him. Cheery him out of it, or just be the constant same in his life.

Pay uk what is your problem and why the constant bitchy comments? You have made 4 comments so far and none of them helpful. Don't insinuate I need to stop acting like a teenager or suggest that my son is avoiding me because I am angry. If you read my posts you would have seen I raged at my husband about d's when he was not there so he didn't hearrive it. I talked to him in a cheery voice and I asked him what was wrong and he could not or would not give me am answer. I AM angry at his behaviour and looking for suggestions on the best way of dealing with it before he returns from school.

Btw similar threads when it's a wife talking about her dh displaying this behaviour all go along the lines of its domestic abuse and ltb. Obviously I can't and won't divorce my son, but he isn't a baby, he's almost 16, I need to get it through to him that it's not an acceptable way to treat people or deal with problems. I don't want my dilemma to turn around in 15 years time or whatever and blame me for his slings while packing his bags!

Slug and Laurie and others thanks for your constructive suggestions. I'll let you know how I get on later.

Is he holding it against you for having to stay at school if his friend is leaving? Are you the one putting a dampner on his dreams? Have you talked to him about how he could plan a trip that could satisfy his dreams but on a smaller scale? Perhaps encourage him to earn some money to save up for the trip so he feels he's has a plan.
Perhaps he doesn't feel listened to or taken seriously by you in particular.
My DS (6) isn't enjoying school at the moment and blames me, not DH, for making him go. I wonder if this is a similar situation - school.
Sorry OP it must be hard. My older DS doesn't always engage in conversation but our best time was when he was learning to drive. I would be in the passenger seat, so no eye contact as he was watching the road, he would chat about his friends, college , tv, music etc.