my teen is ignoring me - for no apparent reason. How to deal with being blanked

[ErnesttheBavarian]

ok, my ds is 15. He has been ignoring me since Saturday. I don't know why. He will not speak to me or make eye contact with me. If I speak directly to him he will answer either with a grunt or 1 word, while looking studiously at the wall behind me.

I have asked his wtf is going on. "Don't know what you're talking about"

I rage at dh in frustration. He tells him off. Not acceptable behavior etc etc. Tells him to apologize. All I get is (while looking at the effing wall) "I'm sorry you're upset" which is a deliberate and total "fuck off".

I am fucking livid about it tbh.

It's the 3rd or 4th time that he's got the hump about something and decided I'm total scum. I really want an effective way to deal with it, ideally as soon as it begins. It makes me feel so angry and powerless. I bet he doesn't even know now wtf triggered it. I sure as hell don't

Bit of background. My sister has form for this. She ignores people when she is pissed off with them. She ignored me literally for about 8 years because she got the hump about who knows what at our granddad's funeral. She did not recognize the birth of any of my 4 dc and only got back in touch after one of my many attempts (letters and phone calls, which I did because it was breaking my mum's heart and was such a strain for her). Why do I always have to do the running to fix this mad fucking behavior?? She also ignored my mum for many years too. My mum wrote her a letter every single week for all those years till she finally deigned to get in touch. Honestly if my sister started blanking me again now iI think I'd just leave her to it. My mum treads on egg shells every fucking time she talks to my sister for fear of upsetting her.

And now my ds is behaving like it. My head is exploding. wtf do I do?

[titchy]

He's effectively put himself in time out - leave him there and get on with your evening. No teenager can manage more than a day or so without Internet, he'll be back.

[Zucker]

Don't run after him. He's made his choice he now has to sit with that. As crappy as this is for you do not run after him now of you are laying the pattern of what will follow.

[CaptainAnkles]

I agree with the answers above. It's crappy that DH talking to him hasn't done anything, but do not chase around after him, begging to be forgiven for something you haven't done in the first place. Leave him to sulk or he'll think that all his has to do is blank you and you'll be at his command.

[Violettatrump]

I know you are all suggesting not having a heart to heart with him but as a teen I really responded well to my parents opening up to me and treating me in a more adult fashion

[ImperialBlether]

He is completely out of order and your husband isn't dealing with this properly. Now is the time for him to be absolutely furious to the point of yelling at his son. This is not acceptable behaviour and he must not treat his mother like that. Never mind 'give me your phone' - that's for ordinary problems at home, not this gross misconduct.

[foreverdepressed]

OP you sound like a needy teenage girl desperately trying to get her school crush to like her. You are also mixing up your emotions towards your sister which is not helpful.

Just ignore him.

[Haffdonga]

Agree. Do not beg him to talk.

Instead, be polite and respectful to him but pretty much ignore him unless he instigates communicaion first. Carry on with your life, chatting with your dh and other dd as normal while letting him feel the consequences of his choices. So:
No lifts
No cash
No treats

If he needs something he has to ask you. (Make sure dh is on side so ds doesn't play you off against each other.

[MuddhaOfSuburbia]

how's it going, OP?

if it's any consolation my ds did similar but more Occasional Polite Withdrawal for no apparent reason from all family members (except dogs)

it really upset us all- we missed him

now at 17 he more often won't shut up and lets me pat him on the head at bedtime/when he leaves house

it does get better

you just have to remember- although it LOOKS like a man, sometimes it's really a big inarticulate emotional toddler trapped in a huge body

[Longtalljosie]

I think a combination of your DH being properly angry with him and you and your DH being cheerful, smiley, laughing together will help. It has to feel pointless for him.

[Heyho111]

Your sister is very seperate to your son. Your son is being a teen. Your sister has issues.
Read. Get out my life but first take me and Alex to town. It will help, keep you sane and understand your sons brain.
Please don't shout , punish or stoop to his level. Instead carry on as normal. Pretend his behaviour isn't happening. Ignore the behaviour. Sanctions, shouting, punishments or acting like them will only make it worse. This really doesn't work for some teens.
His brain is trying to make him independant. To do this it makes him seperate from it's parents by giving him feelings of anger, embarrassment, hatred and disdain towards them. It must be horrid to feel so angry for no reason. These feelings are not something he can control. They all get it some worse than others. His brain is also telling him to push boundaries and take risks. This is to understand how to survive alone. Please ignore the behaviour. It's the only way to go.

[ErnesttheBavarian]

Well, update - he actually spoke! I had an Op yesterday. He came this morning and asked me how I was after the Op. I tried not to sound too surprised, we had a micro exchange then he went to school and said a goodbye to the family so I'll take it he's back. I doubt I'll see him today as I have another op this afternoon and when I come home I'll just go straight to bed.

I'm ok about it now, thanks to advice, and hope to handle it better next time. I guess I just want him to learn how to deal with issues and confrontation in a constructive way.

Been thinking about me vs dh too. I said he was largely absent. Possibly a bit (unintentionally) misleading. Dh has a stressful job often with long hours, so he is often not home early. But he is hands on when he is here, and so I tend to do all the day to day boring stuff, cleaning, delegating, school, chivying, reminding, doctors, shopping appointments etc. Dh then does all the fun stuff when he is here, skiing, ice skating, museums, day trips. (Not swimming, he loathes swimming) So I guess while he is impatient, he is also the fun, active one, which would especially suit ds1. Hmm, might have to work on that.

Thanks for the helpful comments, I'll hold on to them - suspect I'll be needing the advice again :)

[MuddhaOfSuburbia]

awww that's good news

good luck with the op/recovery

and I agree with everything that Heyho said.

It is hard, very hard when your kids start to peel themselves away. I'm hoping that my experience with my oldest will make it easier to deal with the younger ones- but I don't doubt it will still really hurt! Patience, understanding and being bright/brisk and above all available when they come round work better than any sanctions, confiscations, shouting and yelling, ime

[Miggsie]

I assume he treats you this way because he really wants to do it to his dad, but daren't and you are the easy target.

I would buy "how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and read it.
I'm pretty sure from what you say that your DH doesn't listen to or respond to any emotional state your son has. this has contributed to the extreme sulk. Your DH's attitude will also mean the situation won't be resolved without some concerted action and changes in attitude and behaviours from all of you.

Whatever problems your son has, sulking and blanking you will not help - he needs to be helped to find a set of behaviours that will help him cope and you and your DH need to support him.

I'm afraid it will be tough as it will mean quite a lot of behavioural change from your DH - who may not even agree he has contributed to the situation.

don't get confrontational, calmly talk to your son and ask him to think how he can get out of the very negative feelings he currently has - you may need a family counsellor to help you here, these are difficult conversations.

[chocoluvva]

Now listen here Ernest! - don't you dare be feeling guilty about the way you handled your son's poor behaviour! Nobody is a perfect parent. As he gets older your DS will come to accept this and you must accept it too.

The facts (as I see them) are:

Your DS behaved very badly

You were unsure what to do for the best

Your DS is a teenager so we all understand that from time to time he will behave badly and needs to be supported to develop into a mature and responsible individual rather than 'punished' for behaving badly.

Nevertheless your needs are important too. You have the right to be treated with respect in your home by everybody in it. Your DS needs to get this message from everyone in your home.

Hope your op goes well today and you make a very speedy recovery.

[chocoluvva]

Just realised my post implies you didn't handle your DS silent treatment well - not my intention at all. None of us know what the best thing to do is. We're all making informed best guesses and generalising.

Hope your op went smoothly.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Might he have been worried about your operation? I guess it wasn't anything major if you were back home same day, but perhaps he was concerned about potential outcomes.

Teenagers are funny beings, processing emotions rationally doesn't always come naturally.