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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How to approach DD (16) about something I've found out?

57 replies

vanessa60 · 12/01/2015 20:07

I'm really shocked at what my eldest DD has done over the weekend and I need some advice on dealing with it.

DD1 is 16 and in sixth form. She has settled in well, has always been an easy teenager, does well at school, no huge problems ever. DH and I went to a family wedding and stayed overnight on Saturday. We left the DC at home as they are old enough to look after themselves and they said they would prefer to stay behind.

Tonight my younger DD (15) has told me that while we were away, DD1 went to a female friend's party and ended up bringing a new 'friend' back with her - and he ended up staying the night in her room. This new 'friend' is a boy in the year above her (in the same sixth form.) From what I know, his family are new to the area and they weren't boyfriend/girlfriend before this (to my knowledge.) DD2 told me that DD1 told her that she had gone the whole way and slept with the boy but asked her not to tell me.

I am shocked because I know from conversations with DD1 before this that she was a virgin and she has never had a serious boyfriend. She has 'dated' boys from school but nothing that would go this far. DD2 has said today that DD and this boy have officially declared themselves a couple at school and that she's seen them together, but it seems like they've only known each other for five minutes.

She left uncharacteristically early this morning to go to school and I'm now wondering if he drove her to school as I heard a car waiting outside this morning but thought nothing of it.

I don't know how to approach her - I need to speak to her about it because I'm worried for her. It's very out of character for her to sleep with someone she barely knows and especially not to mention anything about him to me. We used to have frank conversations about this sort of thing when she was younger and she used to say she would wait for the right person. Not sure what's happened to that thought!

Is this just teenagers being teenagers or should I be worried? I really don't want her to get a name about herself. Really anxious.

OP posts:

PenelopePitstops · 12/01/2015 20:13

You "don't want her to get a name about herself". If you are going to talk to her, please don't say that.

She's a teenager, and has legally had sex. She probably doesn't want to talk about it, if she does, she will mention it.

Do you enjoy having sex? Well probably so does she! I think you need to accept the fact she is growing up and let her know you are there if needed.

The only think you can be annoyed about is her 'sneaking' him into your house.

SummerSazz · 12/01/2015 20:16

Did she leave early to go and get the MAP do you think?

Roseformeplease · 12/01/2015 20:21

As long as the sex was safe, and it looks as if it was part of a relationship, so what is the worry? She is old enough and so is he. Also, they have probably known each other for ages, even if they haven't been "going out" (which is more staying in if the teens I teach are anything to go by).

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut · 12/01/2015 20:25

Firstly is there a chance she told a lie to her sister? That they didn't have full sex?

Secondly, you can't break her sister's trust, so if you want to broach the subject, can you say a neighbour saw her and the boy arrive? You could put this to dd1 when dd2 is out, and say you want to respect dd1's privacy. This way, dd1 should believe that dd2 didn't blab,which will protect their relationship. Later you can tell dd2 that you're going to pretend your conversation didn't happen because a neighbour has told you anyway. ie tell her the same white lie.

The issue is dd1 bringing someone into your home in your absence, without your permission, imo. At 16 she can legally have sex, whether or not you think she should is of course a different matter. How would you feel if she had brought home a friend with whom she didn't have sex - a friend of either gender, whether you knew them or not?

I would use the opportunity to talk to dd1 about safe sex etc. Make sure she knows she can come to you without judgement or shame or embarrassment. I think that's one of the best ways to make sure she does stay safe.

I don't know what you mean about 'get a name about herself' but it sounds archaic.

CaptainAnkles · 12/01/2015 20:28

You need a sensible adult discussion about making decisions that she's happy with and isn't being pressured into, and being careful. You don't need one about her getting a reputation as a scarlet lady.

Original poster

vanessa60 · 12/01/2015 20:33

I don't mean to be archaic when I say that I'm worried about her reputation and I'm not judging her. I just mean that I know what the girls in her school are like and it would really upset her if they started gossiping about her and calling her names because of this. My younger sister fell pregnant around her age and she had a horrible time with name calling and other teens judging her. It's just my experience of the way people can react.

OP posts:

peggysue82 · 12/01/2015 20:38

Yes would completely agree with Batteries. She hasn't really done anything wrong other than having him stay without your permission. I would say the neighbour saw them and let ur feelings on him staying without permission known and then use it as an opportunity to talk to her about safe sex and let her know that u are there is she needs you. However, please remember she may not want to discuss this with her mum and you may risk her clamming up completely...I was realy close to my mum groaning up but still the thought of discussing my sex life with her at that age was just hideous...as an alternative is there another female friend (Auntie? Cousin?) that you could ask to have a quiet word with her??

AlphaBravoHenryFoxtons · 12/01/2015 20:38

I'd have a word with your younger daughter about her being a disgraceful snitch.

Riseoftheflarelovers · 12/01/2015 20:39

I think you sound like a lovely mum....but.

Please just leave it. If she wanted to talk to you she would and probably will. A forced conversation (especially when she finds out her sister betrayed her) will just back her into a corner and she'll likely come out fighting and/or on the defensive.

She hasn't done anything illegal or wrong. Please let her enjoy this time, you really do not need to get involved. Especially if you put the ground work in when she was younger, she knows she can talk to you!

Re other girls, things are so much different now, nobody will bat an eyelid at her having sex whilst at sixth form.

I'd have a word with her sister about betraying confidences though.

AgentProvocateur · 12/01/2015 20:43

I'd have a word with the younger one about telling tales too.

noitsbecky · 12/01/2015 20:44

I'd have a word with your younger daughter about her being a disgraceful snitch.

Agree, that is a huge violation of her sister's trust.

JeanSeberg · 12/01/2015 20:49

I think you need to examine some of your own beliefs OP regarding young women and sexual behaviour.

If you had a son would you also be worried about him getting a name (whatever that means)?

christmaspies · 12/01/2015 20:52

f course there is a betrayal of trust but they are sisters and I don't think calling dd2 a snitch is at all helpful. We don't know what sort of relationship they have.

MajesticWhine · 12/01/2015 20:53

It's tricky. I think I agree with maybe not saying anything about the sex or sleeping over, but be ready for her to speak to you if she needs to. If you are non-judgmental and relaxed, then all the more likely that she will open up to you. Obviously if you see the boy hanging around, then you can ask about him.

GnomeDePlume · 12/01/2015 20:54

I would have a word with DD1 about bringing someone into the house over night especially with just DD2 there.

christmaspies · 12/01/2015 20:55

Thinking it over I think your dd1 has done something wrong - and that is trying to get your dd2 to keep a secret from the op. She has violated the op's trust by sneaking her bf into the house and trying to conceal it from her.

Cinderelmer · 12/01/2015 20:55

Did you have any "rules" about bringing friends/strangers back to the house in your absence?

guitarosauras · 12/01/2015 20:57

I'd maybe say 'I'm here if you want to talk' but nothing more.

CalicoBlue · 12/01/2015 20:59

I agree with the other posters. No need to address it with her. You know, keep it to yourself and let her tell you herself when she feels ready.

expatinscotland · 12/01/2015 20:59

Wow, some sister! Gees, my sister was having sex when she was 16 and I was a younger teen and just kept my mouth shut. At 16 I was having sex and enjoying it.

DarylDixonsDarlin · 12/01/2015 21:01

So would you rather your 16yo was out shagging him in his car, in the woods or whatever, just because you don't approve and are shocked by it? Or would you rather they were having sex in a safe environment like one of their homes? Cos, ya know, they're gonna do it anyway...

And it looks to me like they might have known each other since he moved to the area, they got it on (they had an opportunity involving a bed and parent free house) and now they are a couple? Sounds like a perfectly adult thing to do to me, it happens a lot to adults I know (30+ I'm talking about).

Disclaimer - I do not have teens. But I have 2 DDs and I don't doubt I will face similar in a few years time. Hope I deal with it better than my mother did. Her approach was fairly similar to how yours seems to be, except she found out through reading my diary instead, and didn't have the decency to pretend she'd found out any other way!

FriendlyLadybird · 12/01/2015 21:16

When I was at university, this was how most relationships started -- you slept with someone THEN started going out with them. It all sounds quite respectable to me; what do you expect her to want to talk to you about?

Maybe she shouldn't have brought him home without your knowledge and permission -- but what would you have said if she'd asked you?

blackgoat · 12/01/2015 21:19

How lovely, she's found a boy she likes, they've had sex in a safe environment, she's told her sister as she trusts her.
If she's always been an easy teenager, then she still is. At least she's not sneaking out of your house in the middle of the night to go and have sex elsewhere.
Be patient, she'll open up to you if/when she's ready.

Original poster

vanessa60 · 12/01/2015 21:21

I suppose I will leave it then and leave her to talk about it in her own time (if she even wants to.) I have always been quite an open minded mum (despite what you may think) so I'm just surprised she didn't mention something as big as this to me. I wouldn't have reacted angrily.

DD2 meant well, she didn't mean to snitch. She was chatting with me about the weekend and mentioned a film they all watched together on the morning after and ended up blurting out that the boy had been there. When I questioned her further she told me more. She wasn't trying to get her sister into trouble, it was more concern than anything because she doesn't know much about this boy either and she says she felt a bit intimidated by him.

OP posts:

GnomeDePlume · 12/01/2015 21:23

I think that bringing someone back overnight without clearing it with parents is the issue. At 16 she isnt an adult. Old enough to be left with her 15 year old sister but not old enough to deal with a higher risk situation.

16 year olds are very much unaware of risk. Think of the number of teenagers who have found their party invaded because someone said that there was a parent free house.

It would have been all too easy for the situation to have got out of control.

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