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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

How to approach DD (16) about something I've found out?

57 replies

vanessa60 · 12/01/2015 20:07

I'm really shocked at what my eldest DD has done over the weekend and I need some advice on dealing with it.

DD1 is 16 and in sixth form. She has settled in well, has always been an easy teenager, does well at school, no huge problems ever. DH and I went to a family wedding and stayed overnight on Saturday. We left the DC at home as they are old enough to look after themselves and they said they would prefer to stay behind.

Tonight my younger DD (15) has told me that while we were away, DD1 went to a female friend's party and ended up bringing a new 'friend' back with her - and he ended up staying the night in her room. This new 'friend' is a boy in the year above her (in the same sixth form.) From what I know, his family are new to the area and they weren't boyfriend/girlfriend before this (to my knowledge.) DD2 told me that DD1 told her that she had gone the whole way and slept with the boy but asked her not to tell me.

I am shocked because I know from conversations with DD1 before this that she was a virgin and she has never had a serious boyfriend. She has 'dated' boys from school but nothing that would go this far. DD2 has said today that DD and this boy have officially declared themselves a couple at school and that she's seen them together, but it seems like they've only known each other for five minutes.

She left uncharacteristically early this morning to go to school and I'm now wondering if he drove her to school as I heard a car waiting outside this morning but thought nothing of it.

I don't know how to approach her - I need to speak to her about it because I'm worried for her. It's very out of character for her to sleep with someone she barely knows and especially not to mention anything about him to me. We used to have frank conversations about this sort of thing when she was younger and she used to say she would wait for the right person. Not sure what's happened to that thought!

Is this just teenagers being teenagers or should I be worried? I really don't want her to get a name about herself. Really anxious.

OP posts:

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 12/01/2015 21:29

I know from conversations with DD1 before this that she was a virgin and she has never had a serious boyfriend.

I don't want to be horrid but if DD2 hadn't "blurted out" you wouldn't know about the boy she has had sex with so maybe there's other things you don't know about. There isn't a way of phrasing that nicely but I just thought you might be upsetthinking this boy has somehow stolen her virginity.

Original poster

vanessa60 · 12/01/2015 21:29

That has worried me a lot and I haven't told DH any of this because I know he would be angry with DD1. When we left, we told them to be safe, gave them money to download a film and order a pizza etc. We didn't really think of saying "don't let anyone stay over" because I honestly didn't think there would be an issue. As I said, she's never caused any trouble before and I really trusted her.

OP posts:

Clobbered · 12/01/2015 21:33

I think the key point here is that your younger daughter felt intimidated by this boy, and that is the aspect of the situation that you should focus on. I would wait a while and see what becomes of the relationship. Presumably DD1 will eventually talk to you about the new boyfriend. You can then have a conversation about the weekend just gone, and emphasise that DD2 was made to feel uncomfortable, rather than your qualms about the sex.

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 12/01/2015 21:34

Sorry, I was trying to reassure you in a "she may be already sexually experienced/confident" way but that's not what a parent particularly wants to hear! I'm rubbish at bring tactful!

Hassled · 12/01/2015 21:39

I don't blame your DD2 for "snitching" - she was asked to keep a secret which she was clearly uncomfortable with. It doesn't read like she did it to stir up trouble - and I think you'd realise if that was her motivation.

I did talk to my DD when I first realised she was having sex - I just reiterated what we'd discussed before, i.e the importance of safe, reliable contraception and how she should never ever feel pressured into doing anything she wasn't happy about. I think that's the sort of conversation you should be having. Don't worry about reputations too much - this is her first proper boyfriend, from what you say, so no-one's going to bat an eyelid. I do feel for you - the realisation that your children are sexually active is a hell of a jolt, however much you can rationalise it.

Original poster

vanessa60 · 12/01/2015 21:40

That's OK YoullLikeItNotaLot, she may have experimented. It's just difficult as sometimes I still view her as my little girl and it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable.

DD2 has mentioned that the boy DD1 is seeing has a younger brother in her year (or possibly the year above?) I hope she's not getting ideas, the whole situation is making me feel very anxious indeed. I don't think we will be leaving them home alone again for a long time.

OP posts:

PhoebeMcPeePee · 12/01/2015 21:50

I would tell dd1 that dd2 let slip about a boy staying over on Saturday night & whilst you're not happy about the underhand way in which this was all done, you realise she is old enough to make these choices. I would say you hope she is being sensible ie not rushing into anything & using barrier contraception if it got/gets to that stage and regardless of anything, you will always be there for her.

expatinscotland · 12/01/2015 21:56

I had plenty of sex with men I was not in a relationship with. It doesn't make someone a bad person or someone who is not confident or has a poor self esteem. I just liked sex a lot.

42bunnytails · 12/01/2015 22:06

My DD is almost 17 and I'd ask her straight out what had she been doing and had she been careful?

No pussy footing about and certainly no telling DD2 off. Given my DD1 has never had a boy friend it would be far to serious a secret to expect DD2 to keep.

In any case DD1 wouldn't be so daft, if she wanted to have sex, it wouldn't be at a time when DD2 was likely to suspect anything.

WannaBe · 12/01/2015 22:11

They were two young girls alone in the house for the night and your dd1 brought a boy who is a stranger to you back to stay the night while only she and her younger sister were there. She is old enough to have sex but clearly she's not responsible enough to be left alone overnight with her sister.

You know nothing about this boy, do his parents know that their son was alone in the house with two young girls overnight?

Nothing wrong with your dd1 having sex per se, although I would want to be sure that she was safe, but I wouldn't be happy about the idea of her bringing back a boy you know nothing about to spend the night while your younger daughter was in the house and no adults. And as the mother of a ds, I wouldn't be happy if my ds went back home with a younger girl (clearly he's older than her if he drives) while the parents were away.

I would make it clear that you know, and that while you trust her to be adult enough to have safe sex, by bringing a boy home while you are away she has violated the trust you put in her when leaving her at home with her sister.

SantasFavouriteHo · 12/01/2015 22:15

A little off topic I know but God I wish my mother had reacted the way most posters on here are suggesting (instead of calling me "damaged goods", throwing me out for a bit and still referring to it as "my deceit" nearly 15 years later)

DarylDixonsDarlin · 12/01/2015 23:01

Santas, but back then that's the way a lot of people thought - my parents were not the only ones worried about their teenage daughter getting a name for herself, it was a common theme. Especially in a small town where we were a well known family. Most of our parents generation seem to have been raised with the idea as well that young girls would suffer greatly for being labelled promiscuous. We can only do better as parents now, because we know better.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 12/01/2015 23:14

My older teens are allowed to bring serious boyfriends/girlfriends home. Although I did not allow it to happen until they had sorted their contraception.

However I would not be happy about a lad I had never met staying over when we were not at home.

I think you should talk to your daughter about responsibility: for contraception, your home and her younger sister.

Reekypear · 12/01/2015 23:20

Op, hand,e it how you want to, because your life will be shit if your 16 year old has a baby, and your left to bring it up.

rockchickbarbie23 · 13/01/2015 00:19

I would place a few condoms in her room so that she knows you know and if she's feeling guilty about it she may come out and tell you herself!

PeaStalks · 13/01/2015 13:24

I'm a bit surprised at some of these replies. Yes she is 16 but for a first sexual experience to be with someone she met at a party is not ideal. For me it would be the sneaking that was the issue. Not that she needs to confide the details to you but to take a stranger into the house overnight, and then sneak off in his car?

I'd be quite worried about her being in a car driven by an inexperienced 17 year old boy. I think you can ask her whether she got a lift as you say you heard a car outside.

So what to do now?
I don't think you can tell her what you know from her sister.
You need to do The Talk. If you've done it before that doesn't matter. Make it a regular thing. I agree with making condoms available, I have done this, they are there in the bathroom and DC know about them.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 13:46

Why is it not ideal? I think it's not necessarily a good thing to teach women that sex = love or that you need love to be there to have sex. Certainly not! I lost my virginity in a relationship that didn't include lurve and it was a positive and pleasant experience. You don't need to be in a stable relationship, just use common sense and use two forms of contraception, including condoms. Some teens are randy. They have sex. It happens.

As for his driving, well, he passed his test.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 13:47

And we don't know if it's her first sexual experience. Mine was kissing and messing around the year before I lost my virginity.

mix56 · 13/01/2015 16:12

well, better get her condoms at least, who knows if she is already pregnant.
She is 16, not at university.
i would talk to her at least about precautions. Jeez

Bonsoir · 13/01/2015 16:15

All sounds quite normal to me.

Parents away, girl goes to party, girl meets boy she fancies and grabs rare opportunity to invite boy back for fun and games.

This is what teens do! If you don't like it, don't go away and don't give her any freedom.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2015 16:24

Seemed quite normal to me, too, Bonsoir. I didn't want a 'stable boyfriend' or 'love' at 16 but I did want good sex, so I took advantage of my sexy French 23-year-old host brother whilst there and had a wonderful time. I then went on to have flings, one-nighters, short-term sex and enjoy it, guilt free, at home when possible, in the man's home, hotels, wherever.

As long as she is not being coerced, is acting of her own free will, using two reliable sources of contraception including condoms, there's really nothing wrong with enjoying sex outside of a 'stable relationship'.

Mrsjayy · 14/01/2015 09:38

Your daughter has a new boyfriend I don't see what the issue is I wouldn't be happy at her sneaking him in but that's all girls gossip all the time do you think your dd is the only girl to sneak away with a boy im not sure what your issue is I get you don't want her sneaking boys back to the house but it was empty so she jumped at the chance. I think you are disappointed in her because you thought she was a good girl and not like the other girls.

chocoluvva · 14/01/2015 10:04

Peastalks - she might have known this boy from school already.

It's a pity you found out about this OP. Everyone would still be happy if you didn't know. I know that makes me sound irresponsible, but it's true. She's still your lovely DD who's doing well.

She was putting herself at risk of being pressured into having sex by taking this boy home with no-one round except her younger sister but she obviously thinks this boy is a nice lad who wouldn't hurt her so wouldn't have thought of the risk. IYSWIM

lemonhope · 14/01/2015 12:27

have you considered that dd2 might have felt worried about having a 'stranger' in the house

it may have worried her

otherwise she's definitely being a terrible tell tale!

expatinscotland · 14/01/2015 13:24

choco, maybe she wanted to have sex, no pressure. Maybe she knew him from school and wanted to have sex with him. Believe it or not, some people do

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