How to approach DD (16) about something I've found out?

[vanessa60]

I'm really shocked at what my eldest DD has done over the weekend and I need some advice on dealing with it.

DD1 is 16 and in sixth form. She has settled in well, has always been an easy teenager, does well at school, no huge problems ever. DH and I went to a family wedding and stayed overnight on Saturday. We left the DC at home as they are old enough to look after themselves and they said they would prefer to stay behind.

Tonight my younger DD (15) has told me that while we were away, DD1 went to a female friend's party and ended up bringing a new 'friend' back with her - and he ended up staying the night in her room. This new 'friend' is a boy in the year above her (in the same sixth form.) From what I know, his family are new to the area and they weren't boyfriend/girlfriend before this (to my knowledge.) DD2 told me that DD1 told her that she had gone the whole way and slept with the boy but asked her not to tell me.

I am shocked because I know from conversations with DD1 before this that she was a virgin and she has never had a serious boyfriend. She has 'dated' boys from school but nothing that would go this far. DD2 has said today that DD and this boy have officially declared themselves a couple at school and that she's seen them together, but it seems like they've only known each other for five minutes.

She left uncharacteristically early this morning to go to school and I'm now wondering if he drove her to school as I heard a car waiting outside this morning but thought nothing of it.

I don't know how to approach her - I need to speak to her about it because I'm worried for her. It's very out of character for her to sleep with someone she barely knows and especially not to mention anything about him to me. We used to have frank conversations about this sort of thing when she was younger and she used to say she would wait for the right person. Not sure what's happened to that thought!

Is this just teenagers being teenagers or should I be worried? I really don't want her to get a name about herself. Really anxious.

What expat said really or maybe the lad felt pressure to perform teenagers want and do have sex just because they want to and like it.

expat - I agree - it's probable. Sorry I didn't word that very well. i meant that if she didn't want to have sex she was potentially putting herself in a difficult situation - with no adults around. Or just putting both of them in the situation where there was nothing to stop them getting 'carried away' even if that's not what both of them had intended to happen. IYSWIM.

Provided it doesn't distract too much from their education I'm happy for teenagers who enjoy being sexually active. (sighs wistfully remembering my teenage years....) Including my own DD. Lucky her I say.

Girl meets boy who she likes, an opportunity comes up for her to invite boy to house while parents are away, one thing leads to another and they have safe, consensual sex in her home. A scenario that is replicated among thousands of teenagers across the land. It sounds like that's exactly what's happened here. As long as she's being safe and isn't being coerced into anything (and it seems she isn't), I don't think there's a problem.

I don't understand people complaining that DD2 was somehow a snitch, it's her home too, she was uncomfortable with the older boy her sister brought home for the night. She is probably hoping her mum will prevent it happening again!

I would ask her outright. What there a bot here at the weekend, if there was I would be happier knowing in advance about it! Are you okay? If he stayed here, is everything okay? Do you any support to get contraception?

I know lots of people my age who wish their parents hadn't turned a blind eye to their having sex at 16-18!

Would you have rather they had sex down some alleyway?

I would have no issue with my 16yo DD having sex, whether in a LTR, or casual sex. That is something she can decide on for herself.

I would, however, be concerned that she should invite people I didn't know, into my house, when I was not there, and without asking. Your DD2 also felt uncomfortable with that situation, in what is also her own home. That is what I would discuss with her.