Refusing help, what can I do

[Anjelica27]

Posted before re 17 yr old ds suicide attempt and self harming. Under care of CAMHS and psychiatrist. Refusing to see either again or take meds. Things calm at the moment. Have asked him how does he see himself recovering without help - just says they make it worse. Frightened to force the issue in case it triggers something bad. This is breaking my heart, open to any advice please

Some psychiatrists are very bad. And sometimes we just clash with the person we've been allocated. This shouldn't make him feel worse. Everyone who has a counsellor, therapist or psychiatrist has the right to say they don't click with the one they've got and find one that's right for them. Perhaps he would consider taking control of the situation by trying out different people until he clicks with the right person? It can really add to our feelings of owning our mental health if we feel we have the right to object to a professional and choose one that suits us best. This might really make all the difference.

I'm so sorry this is happening. If possible, you should ask for help too - can you see someone? If he sees you getting your needs met, it will stop guilt adding to the terrible strain you're all under. I send you hope & hugs.

Thanks for the advice. Have suggested that we can go to GP on Monday and ask their advice and perhaps look for some private help for him - would be a struggle but desperate to help him. Have told him that I will support him in this but need some assurance that he will do his best to stay safe in the meantime. Just hope I'm doing the right things. Badly in need of some support, there are just the two of us, will do that too. Thanks for taking the time to help - appreciate it x

Its very difficult as he will probably be accessing adult services at 18, and at the moment camhs are offering some sort of help, which wont necessarily happen later. The other poster is right, that some therapists can make things worse (this certainly happened with one of my DDs very religious therapists) so finding someone he feels comfortable with to talk to is important and feeling he can say this to camhs - he does have a right to ask for someone else but scarce services sometimes mean there isnt anyone else. We have moved to different camhs services in our borough because of this issue. Perhaps you could check his situation with Camhs and ask if there is anyone else he could see, and also ask a timeline for transition to adult services, as although he is not using it, knowing he might be able to access an adolescent unit if things are worse is helpful. I have seen vulnerable teens kicked out of camhs adolescent units on their 18th birthday due to funding issues but some boroughs will continue to support teens for a while post 18. I know how hard it is to have a suicidally depressed teen, so make sure you get some CBT support via your GP too. I also organised, things like acupunture, cranial massage for my DD too, where she didnt have to talk but which were relaxing. She did however need to stay some time in hospital. best of luck

No pearls of wisdom, just sending you a hug and saying you are not alone. As you saw my DD is also going through a terrible time and it is utterly heartbreaking. One day at a time. I hope you find the strength and support to come through this.

Without all you wonderful people it feels like we're the only ones coping with such terrible times, just wanted to say thank you and send everyone a hug. Like you say one day at a time. Every morning when we get up that's another day he was safe. Phone calls tomorrow to try and organise some support for him that he will accept x

So sorry to see this Anjelica.

Is it down to a clash with the psych or because he is resisting help ATM, do you think?
Is he in agreement to go to see the GP - that is a very positive start, I think.

Both I think, felt very judged by the psychiatrist and at the same time resistant to any help. Dont know what GP can offer but it might get ds talking again. Walking on eggshells at the moment, don't want to do that one thing that triggers him cutting himself again or worse. Just hope that it's the right thing to do - he says that seeing psychiatrist was making it worse - certainly the self harming and talk of suicide got much worse. Since I backed off he seems calmer. Don't understand how we ever got to this point, all I ever did was love him so much xx

Oh Angelica, I am sure you haven't done anything wrong. And you are trying very hard to find a way to help him. Please don't blame yourself

It sounds like the psych wasn't a good match - hopefully there will be a way forward, and going to see the GP is a good start.

Thank you for being so kind x

Anjelica, I've been through this too. The advice given to me was to tell him he will feel better one day. They also told me to ask how he planned to end his life ( I didn't like this one, but it indicates how much theve thought about it) .it also meant that I removed all medication from the house. My ds stopped talking to me about it as I could nt help but get upset. I've contacted many organisations without much help from any of them.
My ds seems to be ok at the moment.
I do feel for you. I understand about worrying about causing the trigger and the feeling of not doing enough. Please don't blame yourself for how he feels.
Take care x

I hope things are better for you now. Like you I've been through the house and got rid of anything that could be dangerous. Haven't asked ds for details of how he would end it which would be hard to do, I try so hard not to cry when he is talking about killing himself or when I see how badly he has cut himself. Don't know which is worse, adding to his distress by letting him see how upset I am or hiding it and then him thinking I don't care. Got to get in touch with CAMHS tomorrow and tell them he won't go back but he is prepared to talk to the GP again so that is something. Of all the things I ever imagined for him when he was older this was never something I thought would ever happen. I keep telling him he will get through this and feel better - just not sure how at the moment. I don't tell him that. It helped so much hearing from you x

I had similar with my daughter last year when she flatly refused to see camhs or any counsellor at all. She said talking didn't change anything because they always asked her how she felt and she didn't know. She did agree to see the doctor but this was only because the school agreed to her going on a part time timetable and they wanted some kind of evidence that there was a medical reason for her not attending full time. Our doctor was great and just spent ten minutes with her each fortnight which probably didn't do much but it made me feel better! People were full of advice about where she could go for support or what I could talk to her about which was great but since she refused to speak to anyone, including me, about how she felt I felt completely helpless. In the end I just tried to remove any pressure - stopped talking about school, amount of sleep, what she ate, whether or not she saw friends etc and gradually she found her feet again (although she's just about to drop out of 6th form, but that's the least of my worries.) I did have some terrible moments where I got really emotional and ended up crying and shouting which didn't help. What I should have done was got more help for me. I think if I'd had somewhere to go each week to off load I might have managed better.

You are doing your best in an impossible situation. In retrospect, I know my tears and emotion, did make things worse around a teen who was in crisis, but I found it impossible not to be shocked and terrified and its very difficult to share these feelings with family and friends. I find papyrus (prevention of young suicide site) helpful in term of language to use and how to talk and CBT via your GP might also give you the strength to do this. Being practical and asking about plans and if someone is actively suicidal is something I learned to do, and 'negotiate' with my DD. Most teens I have met,with the right support and treatment have got much better, although it takes time and much patience and my DD is doing well and now living away at University, which for so long I could not imagine as even a possibility. Despite scant services and support, please all stay strong and hopeful and do look after yourselves as you are being amazing parents.

Thank you both. Spoke to Papyrus which was very helpful. Ds willing to talk to GP weekly so that's positive. Have completely backed off and just letting him be for the moment. I've stopped trying to talk to him about things and going on about looking after himself and seeing the psychiatrist etc. With hindsight constantly talking to him was a mistake and just added to the pressure he was feeling. Hope it helps him, is very hard to feel like I'm doing nothing. It's terrifying not seeing a way out but things seem to be ok for the moment, he is a lot calmer. Poor dog gets taken for a walk every time I feel overwhelmed and want to rant and cry. He's never been so fit. Like you say it's almost impossible to talk honestly to family etc about this. It helps so much to be able to talk on here, so grateful to you all, thank you x

He sounds lucky to have you. (son, but I expect the dog is lucky too!) xx

Thank u xx

Here's some other ideas for things to do when you feel helpless! - I made a list of all the things I thought she was good at and left it on her bed. I also bought cards and left them in her room with little messages like 'Don't forget I'm here if you want me.' I'm not a very 'touchy-feely' person and it felt a bit odd but I wanted her to know I was still concerned without talking to her about it constantly. Hope that helps. x

Thanks Clare will give it a try. Thinking of you now the new school term has started and hoping things are working out x