Advice please

[WillIEverBeASizeTen]

I have 2 children living at home, I am a LP. The eldest is 24, she's studying and works too,so always very busy. My DS will be 17 in January, he is at college 3 days a week, and has just got a little part time job. I work 46 hours a week.

My DD will help where/when she can, my DS on the other NEVER helps. He will go hungry rather than make something to eat, his room is a tip (as is my DDs) and with the pair of them they leave a trail of devastion in their wake, they are quite happy to live in dirty squalor.

I have spoken to them both about this, my DD takes it on board, my DS glazes over. I don't see why after a 46 hour week I should be clearing up after the pair of them. It makes me very resentful, and what with Christmas coming up and buying gifts for DS, I am reluctant to do so, as I don't think he deserves anything!

I really am at the end of my tether with this bone idle laziness, and living a life of grime.

Thank you...

My mother tried warning us that anything left lying around of ours would go in the bin although she actually only ever put our things in a bin bag and hid them in the cellar until we came looking for them. I don't think it really worked. Especially as it was mostly mugs and plates with toast crumbs that we left about.
I think when picking and choosing battles at this age you maybe have to give up on their rooms ever being clean but they should be helping you, or rather themselves. Have you put it to your son that you actually need his help? I'd definitely let him go hungry rather than feed him but what about a family meeting (as naff as it sounds) at a time when your calm and haven't just found dirty socks down the side of the sofa. You could just explain to them both the pressure that your under and ask them if they have any ideas about how they could help alleviate it - especially as your all now adults and you really need them. Maybe they could cook once or twice a week as a sort of gesture. Perhaps this is a really naive idea but I like to think that if they feel essential they might get a buzz out of it. The meals would have to be gratefully received though not criticised - and of course there is the washing up. Do you have the rule 'whoever doesn't cook washes up' in your house. Its a good one but might make you think twice about them cooking - probably best to just apply it to the child who didn't cook. Let them give you a night off. Sorry if this sounds utterly idealistic and impossible!!
Also rotas - do you have one. My folks sat us down to draw one up together. They tried to get us to think of all the jobs we could help with (we where younger so more enthusiastic about this stage than I'm sure yours would be) and then we portioned the jobs out. I remember endless arguments when I forgot which were my days to empty the dishwasher but it might have taken some pressure off my parents.
Failing all else I think it is fairer to ask for a contribution to the bills as a kind of peppercorn rent than not give Christmas presents. My parents didn't give me one one year which was a bit of a shock on Christmas day and to be honest I don't think they remembered what I had done so I've never known why that was. It's not something you can really take back and leaves a bitter taste in the air.

issMc thank you for your reply, you have given me some good ideas. A rota for one, and the family meeting (I have toyed with this over the years). I will, in the new year sit them both down with their timetables and calendars and sort out the household chores/cooking etc.

I don't want to go down the no present route, its not something I relish doing and I'm sure the day would be tainted if I did, but it still leaves me feeling resentful because DS just really has no respect for me or his sister.

I shall take the adult approach firstly with the meeting and rotas, see where that leads.