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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

The most pathetic argument in the world!

53 replies

niceguy2 · 16/12/2014 13:29

Surely this must rank as the most pathetic argument in the world.

So yesterday DD(18) was asked to cook dinner because I was busy finishing up some work in the study and my wife was also working late. This she did. She decided to cook a Thai green curry She then called me to ask why the sauce hadn't thickened so I said she needed to use cornflour.

So she starts to sprinkle cornflour and I stop her and told her how to do it properly. She refuses to do this and said she prefers to do it her way. I let her and she starts to sprinkle the TINIEST bit of cornflour which of course doesn't do anything. I tell her again. She again refuses. I explain why and she starts having a go at me saying that she's 18 years old and why can't i just let her do it the way she wants. I tell her cos her if she wants to be treated like an adult then she shouldn't act like a 4 year old.

She starts to tell me that I should be grateful she's even cooking. My reply is "Errr no. You live here and only have to cook once a week whilst you eat 7 days a week!"

Culminating with her crying and demanding to know why she has to do exactly what I want and what is the big deal I have over cornflour!

I start to laugh at this point because the argument is getting a bit bizarre. Unfortunately this makes things even worse and she stomps off to her room not to be seen until this morning.

I try to make the peace by asking her if we're good. But nope...she's not interested. Slams the proverbial door back in my face.

She's just ventured downstairs because she's got a uni interview tomorrow. I offer her a lift to the train station (40 min walk) but nope...not interested.

As far as she's concerned I'm being totally unreasonable.

The irony is that just the night before she was in tears because she's losing one of her best friends since her friend moved colleges and is struggling to make new ones. If this is the way she is with her friends then God help her!

Problem is how do I move things on?? How do I teach her that you just have to move on or you end up alienating people for no good reason. I haven't even raised my voice!

Sorry for the mini-moan. I know in comparison this is small potatoes to what some of you are going through. But the problem with my DD is she's very much like her mother personality-wise. She'd cut off her own nose to spite her face and has walls up all around her desperate to make sure no-one can see she's upset/hurt. The problem is that the result is her mum is all alone with no friends, even her own family have walked away and she only sees our kids once every few months now. I don't want my DD to end up like that!

OP posts:

foreverdepressed · 16/12/2014 13:31

You sound like a control freak tbh. Either let her cook (her way) or do it yourself.

TheCowThatLaughs · 16/12/2014 13:35

Sounds like you inflamed the situation by not letting her work the cornflour thing out for herself, calling her a 4 year old, not acknowledging her contribution to the household, then laughing at her when she got upset. Maybe she's a bit stressed out about the interview and you could have been a bit kinder and backed off a bit, maybe asked her if she was worried and tried to quietly support her.

TheCowThatLaughs · 16/12/2014 13:37

Just read it through again and it really sounds like you wound her up good style then acted the outraged innocent when she got upset. Can you see why it sounds like that?

Maroonie · 16/12/2014 13:38

If let her cool off for a bit. She might be embarrassed about not knowing how to do it which you then made worse by laughing and being patronising rather than explaining how to do it.

Maroonie · 16/12/2014 13:41

A better way to move on would be to actually resolve it rather than expecting her to just be 'cool'. apologise that you didn't explain properly, Thank her for helping cook and try to create a nice environment when she has friend stress and uni stress.

JamForTea · 16/12/2014 13:44

Wow I'm not quite sure where to begin with all this. Yes there's faults on both sides but maybe try and read between the lines a bit. An 18 year old who is probably stressed about her uni interview and changes in her life, has had a bit of a freak out with her interfering father trying to tell her how to do things. You're now ascribing this to some personality defect which your (ex?) wife has rather than looking at your own part in it.

Maybe acknowledge that you were both a bit unreasonable and validate her feelings of frustration and her fear of how much things might change for her over the next few months. It's easy to get stuck in relationship ruts even with your own dc and not see them as people in their own right rather than extensions of you/your wife. She might continue to not want to engage for a bit but at least you'll know you've done the right thing.

Original poster

niceguy2 · 16/12/2014 13:46

I don't think I am a control freak at all, in fact quite the opposite although I accept in that moment I may have come across that way. In general I do adopt a laid back attitude to most things.

She does have a small contribution to the household but I believe she thinks it's more than it actually is. I put that down to the usual teenager stuff.

Yes with hindsight I shouldn't have laughed but it was getting very surreal and the irony is that she will make stands over stupid stuff like this but over the bigger stuff we've never really argued at all. That was what I was laughing at.

We'll see what happens when she comes back tomorrow. I've tried twice to make the peace. We'll have to see how long she wants to hold out for.

OP posts:

TheCowThatLaughs · 16/12/2014 13:51

Maybe of you were more positive and encouraging about her contribution she'd be more likely to do more? That's how it usually works with people ime.

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 16/12/2014 14:12

Well aren't you a treat.

Your poor DD. IME, if a teen refuses a lift in favour of a 40 min walk as they don't want to have contact with you, it's for a bloody good reason.

You sound very critical of other people but can't see your own faults. You sound very much like a control freak.

isitsnowingyet · 16/12/2014 14:18

My advice to you is - Grow Up yourself and leave your daughter alone. Don't try and 'make the peace' - she'll come round when she is good and ready.

You don't have to teach her anything. At 18, she will be able to work it out for herself.

SunshineAndShadows · 16/12/2014 14:22

Perhaps the fact a good friend has just moved away and she has a Uni interview means she's feeling stressed, alone and under pressure.

Never mind I'm sure being told exactly how to sprinkle corn flour and then told she's acting like a 4 year will definitely mean she feels emotionally supported and not the least belittled

SassyCandyCane · 16/12/2014 14:28

Should have left her to it. I'd have handed you the cornflour and told you to do it as you're clearly such an expert. Just as childish but you were badgering her for no good reason.

titchy · 16/12/2014 14:37

Yeah you were being a bit of an arsehole.

If I'm cooking for everyone I do NOT expect anyone to come in half way through and start to tell me what I'm doing wrong. As far as I am concerned if you don't like it, don't eat it.

And you were doing this when she was actually doing you a favour by cooking on one of your cooking nights - wow!

SecretSquirrels · 16/12/2014 15:21

niceguy2 I think you have been given a hard time over this, but then I have teenage boys and not girls so am not used to handling drama.

To be fair to the OP his DD did ask why her curry was too runny.
A fair question which I would have answered by mixing up some cornflour in water to demonstrate. I have no idea why she asked for his help but then refused to accept it .
At this point I suppose you should have; not laughed; left her to make runny curry and ignored it unless she asked again.

How to make it right? Be nice, offer treats and TLC and don't ever mention curry or cornflour again

gymboywalton · 16/12/2014 15:24

bloody hell you lot are harsh!!

ffs! he told her how to do it properly and she ignored him! she asked for help!!

HellKitty · 16/12/2014 15:25

You should have explained what and how cornflour works.
If she insisted on doing it her way then explain why she has lumps.
You should never have called her a 4 yr old.
Wtf are you doing putting cornflour in a Thai curry anyway? It's meant to be runny.

Quangle · 16/12/2014 15:27

I don't think Thai green curry should have cornflour in it

Boomtownsurprise · 16/12/2014 15:30

ooh a bandwagon! Let's jump on!!!!

Just go back and say I'm sorry. Are you ok? I've thought about things.

Maybe you were as silly as she was. Maybe you were accurate. Maybe it was all you or all her. Either way it was a miscommunication. Apologise. Give her a hug eh?

SecretSquirrels · 16/12/2014 15:31

We like a thick curry here and I would use cornflour in any casserole or sauce that turned out to be too runny.

comeagainforbigfudge · 16/12/2014 15:33

Er seems some people missed that DD asked for advice in the first instance re the non-thickening sauce. So niceguy you weren't interfering. But you did lose control of situation.

I agree with the others that you shouldn't have laughed or pointed out how much she does around house. Or that she wasn't behaving like an adult. Bit unnecessary

Coming from being a stroppy teenager myself that's the worst thing to do. Put my back up no end. If I were you I'd just keep being there for her, offering lifts etc. She'll come round eventually. When she does, apologise for laughing and try to explain why you did it (you mention that it's wee things you argue about) tell her you proud of her with regards to friend leaving and how she coping etc. She probably feels hard done by.

Next time you have a cooking clash like that suggest "let's Google it". I have to do that with OH who is not a teenager but is stubborn as a mule

JeanneDeMontbaston · 16/12/2014 15:33

Well, at least you know it was a pathetic argument! I get the sense you are trying to laugh at yourself.

But I agree with quangle - cornflower has no place in green curry! And, if it did, sprinkling a tiny bit into sauce, then a tiny bit more, etc., will actually work perfectly well, though it's time consuming. You couldn't get away with that method with more than a tiny bit, but if it's a pinch, it will mix in fine.

RiverTam · 16/12/2014 15:36

goodness, the OP is getting a bit of a bashing here! She was being ridiculous in the way that only a stressed teenaged girl (and yes, I know she's a woman, but she wasn't behaving like one, was she? Though to judge by some comments here, you would think she was 13, not 18) can be. She asked for help, you gave her help but it needed explaining further, and she started to be ridiculous so unsurprisingly you laughed. Not great but not the end of the world.

Now you need to be the bigger person, apologise and talk to her.

NewEraNewMindset · 16/12/2014 15:38

I rarely jump on a bandwagon on here but your opening post did make you look like a twat I'm afraid. You totally antagonised a situation and then acting surprised when an already wound up and stressed teenager got upset. I agree that you should grow up!

Try apologising and giving her a hug when she gets home.

dementedma · 16/12/2014 15:43

Op tried to make the peace. 18 year old should be done sulking by now.
leave her until she comes round

Jackie0 · 16/12/2014 16:05

You said her friend is moving colleges so cut her a bit of slack.
Say you're sorry and give her a hug. Don't laugh at her whatever you do.
18 is still very young

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