Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

The most pathetic argument in the world!

53 replies

niceguy2 · 16/12/2014 13:29

Surely this must rank as the most pathetic argument in the world.

So yesterday DD(18) was asked to cook dinner because I was busy finishing up some work in the study and my wife was also working late. This she did. She decided to cook a Thai green curry She then called me to ask why the sauce hadn't thickened so I said she needed to use cornflour.

So she starts to sprinkle cornflour and I stop her and told her how to do it properly. She refuses to do this and said she prefers to do it her way. I let her and she starts to sprinkle the TINIEST bit of cornflour which of course doesn't do anything. I tell her again. She again refuses. I explain why and she starts having a go at me saying that she's 18 years old and why can't i just let her do it the way she wants. I tell her cos her if she wants to be treated like an adult then she shouldn't act like a 4 year old.

She starts to tell me that I should be grateful she's even cooking. My reply is "Errr no. You live here and only have to cook once a week whilst you eat 7 days a week!"

Culminating with her crying and demanding to know why she has to do exactly what I want and what is the big deal I have over cornflour!

I start to laugh at this point because the argument is getting a bit bizarre. Unfortunately this makes things even worse and she stomps off to her room not to be seen until this morning.

I try to make the peace by asking her if we're good. But nope...she's not interested. Slams the proverbial door back in my face.

She's just ventured downstairs because she's got a uni interview tomorrow. I offer her a lift to the train station (40 min walk) but nope...not interested.

As far as she's concerned I'm being totally unreasonable.

The irony is that just the night before she was in tears because she's losing one of her best friends since her friend moved colleges and is struggling to make new ones. If this is the way she is with her friends then God help her!

Problem is how do I move things on?? How do I teach her that you just have to move on or you end up alienating people for no good reason. I haven't even raised my voice!

Sorry for the mini-moan. I know in comparison this is small potatoes to what some of you are going through. But the problem with my DD is she's very much like her mother personality-wise. She'd cut off her own nose to spite her face and has walls up all around her desperate to make sure no-one can see she's upset/hurt. The problem is that the result is her mum is all alone with no friends, even her own family have walked away and she only sees our kids once every few months now. I don't want my DD to end up like that!

OP posts:

RoyTucker · 16/12/2014 16:10

Here is some wise advice I read recently: if you're in this sort of situation with someone you love and you have a choice between being right and being kind - be kind.

SanityClause · 16/12/2014 16:16

you have a choice between being right and being kind - be kind.

This

MaryWestmacott · 16/12/2014 16:25

OP - A) don't put corn flour in Thai Green Curry, thicken by reducing the sauce. B) there are few things more irritating that 'back seat cookery/driving' etc. If you ask someone else to cook, then you let them cook it their way and then eat it with good grace. If you want her to take over more responsbility for cooking, then you need to accept she will cook her way and while she's working out how to cook, you'll eat things that arent quite as you'd do them.

Apologise for interfering. You were being annoying. Teenagers don't have the monopoly on being annoying, but they do, in my experience, have a lot less tolerance to people being annoying.

(and stop comparing her to her mother)

Jackie0 · 16/12/2014 16:27

She'll be off to uni soon and you'll be wishing she was in the kitchen ruining the curry

BackforGood · 16/12/2014 16:41

Wow niceguy2 - you have fallen prey to the knee jerk reaction that if you are a man, you must obviously be in the wrong that some MNers seem to have. Some ridiculous responses to begin with.

As others have now pointed out - she asked for help/advice, and he gave what was asked for.
He admits himself with hindsight that he perhaps shouldn't have laughed, but which one of us is the perfect parent? He's also acknowledged there are things dd might be worried about and has offered an olive branch. If she would prefer to walk 40 mins in the cod than accept that, then yes, she is cutting off her nose to spite her face.
I have 3 teens, and none of them would blow up about any of that unless there was something else going on in the background - as a parent you don't tip toe through life just in case any of your dc is on a really oversensitive hour that day - or if you do, you are doing no favours in preparing them for adult life.

SecretSquirrels · 16/12/2014 16:52

Which of us hasn't laughed at our tantruming toddler in the past?
Only the once I recall as it had the effect of prolonging the tantrum by hours.......

TheFriar · 16/12/2014 17:02

Sorry but she has a point there she is 18yo wants to be treated as an adult (and that's you ask her to do) but you are actually treating her like a child.
She was preparing the meal. She asked fir some advice. A 'a bit of corn flour' would have been plenty. No need to 'guide her' all the way as if she was 10 or even 14yo.
Think about it would you do that if your wife/a friend/ a colleague was asking you the same question?
Or do you think that explaining like you would be seen as annoying and condescending?

All the rest is just coming from that. She felt you don't trust her. So she got upset/angry. And you got angry because she didn't obey you.

I think it's time for some apologies tbh.

TheFriar · 16/12/2014 17:11

Back if my DH who didn't know how to cook at all when I met him had asked me the same question than the dd, I would have NEVER explained to him how to do it in a step by step instruction unless he had asked to. The dd didn't ask that. She actually said clearly she wanted to be left alone. Why not doing that??
It's really nothing to do with being a man. It has everything g to do with how to act with a now adult dd.

yes I know 18yo is still young, not really adult, she hasn't left home etc. but just look how often people are saying 'he/she us 18yo, an adult so should know better'. There is a need for parents to learn to let go as their dc are growing up. Now is the time for the OP to treat her with the same trust he would do with an adult. After all in nit that long she will be living on her own and will have to make decisions much more important than cornflour in a curry!!

avocadotoast · 16/12/2014 18:58

OP, you're being a bit of a dick. It sounds like your daughter has got a lot going on (uni interviews are stressful, and losing friends is awful! It sounds like she's having a tough time of it at college. My sister had a similar situation and it was horrible).

Plus she probably thought she was doing a really nice thing by making you all a meal, and probably thought you'd help her rather than laughing at her when it didn't go quite right.

Cut her some slack. She'll come round. But in future, don't ask her to do something and then mock her when she asks for help.

TooMuchCantBreathe · 16/12/2014 19:03

Asking a question is not ananinvitation to micro manage. She asked you answered, you told her the correct process, you could also tell her why adding it direct would not be ideal. then you walk away and let her get on with it I'd have been pretty pissed off with you and I'm not a hormonal teen with loads going on right now.

For the sake of harmony learn when to walk away op.

DealForTheKids · 16/12/2014 19:06

You sound exactly like my dad. I never learned to cook because any questions were met with 'you're doing it wrong, let me show you' which made me feel like it wasn't bloody worth trying to cook when he would always think I'd done it wrong.

For what it's worth I put on a good couple of stone when I got to uni as he'd always taken over so I couldn't cook!!

You need to let her make mistakes, or at least go at such situations knowing she's a beginner.

Oh and YWBU given she had the interview.

perplexedpirate · 16/12/2014 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aldinator · 16/12/2014 19:16

You were right to try and lighten the mood by laughing when things got ridiculous. Sadly it didn't work. This is sometimes the case with teenagers but it is still worth trying since the results are spectacularly good when it does work.

I would delete from your memory stock phrases like 'if you want me to treat you like an adult stop behaving like a four year old' as they just wind people up and are inaccurate. She is not behaving like a four year old.

dementedma · 16/12/2014 19:18

Wow pirate what a shit thing to say! She asked her dad for help, then objected to it, then had a tantrum, then refused his attempts to patch things up and his offer of a lift. She's being a total drama queen over a storm in a teacup. You think the OP is a horrible dad? Do you want to know what an abusive father is really like???? If I had the rest of my life to waste I would tell you but I can't be arsed. 18 year old needs to grow a pair and be grateful she has a father who remotely cares!

BOFster · 16/12/2014 19:29

I agree with aldinator (let's gloss over that ridiculous post from pirate). And that being right vs being kind thing is an excellent maxim to live by.

perplexedpirate · 16/12/2014 19:45

I already know, thanks.
I didn't say he was abusive, I said he was horrible.
He made her cry over nothing at a stressful time and then laughed at her.
You might think it's ok to treat your family like that, I don't.

sparklecrates · 16/12/2014 19:55

Yep. I can totally see why she freaked out. You can either understand or be a prick. You've chosen the latter, and magnified it by talking ridiculous nonsense about 'making a stand' and other such bullshit. You undermined her cooking, made her fe el patronised.. and are now blaming her for being upset in general too and then saying she shouldn't be because of some daft math calculation. If you carry on being this daft you'll lose her altogether.

sparklecrates · 16/12/2014 20:06

er, have you realised yet that if you undermined and belittled your wife and your daughter is telling you to piss off that this might just be the healthiest thing she's ever done? I know if I'd stayed around parents who undermined, laughed at my upset, told me I was 'a child', or 'just like your mother... useless and isolated' etc etc. If you really want your daughter to be confident and make friends then get off her back, be an adult yourself and be supportive. If you can't appreciate what she does do then you won't get more goid behaviour, you'll eventually get none. Sadly I worry from this that deep down you might want bad behaviour so you can use it against people to make yourself feel 'right'. You upset her. Be a man and realise you fucked up and start learning how to deal with people pronto.

VitalStollenFix · 16/12/2014 20:16

You are what is known in the trade as a 'spoonyfucker'

The rule in our house is "if you interfere, you volunteer"

because my husband used to be like you. Sticking his beak in because he knew how to do it better.

Well, after being handed the spoon/duster/pen/whatever a few times and told that since he had such a clear idea how to do it, he'd be pleased to be left to it - followed by my leaving the room and going to watch tv/read a book/ surf the net - I now only have to look at him and he shuts the hell up.

She was either making the meal or she wasn't. Stop being such a bloody control freak. I know you don't accept that's what you are but for heaven's sake, it was cornflour. Why on earth did you have to stand over her and try to make her do it your way. And then laugh at her because you thought it was funny that you'd pissed her off?

The absolute worst that could have happened was you had a few lumps in your dinner.

you know, you think it's about cornflour and that's your mistake. It isn't about cornflour.

VitalStollenFix · 16/12/2014 20:18

actually, you know what, I change my mind a bit. I've just reread and she actually asked you for help. projecting all over the thread, I am

You should have just said fine and left her to it.

Bluegrass · 16/12/2014 20:29

FUCK ME OP - you've had some utterly insane responses on here tonight. Some people clearly under the mistaken impression that they are perfect.

Unfortunately 18 year olds can still behave like children, she'll get over it.

Hassled · 16/12/2014 20:34

Your only mistake was in thinking a Thai Green Curry needs cornflour. It really doesn't.

She's 18 - she's a hormonal mess with university interviews thrown into the maelstorm of being an 18 year old girl. Pick your battles; let her know you're always there for her and it will all come good.

BackforGood · 17/12/2014 00:05

Wow pirate - that was really rude and uncalled for. Didn't think personal attacks were allowed?

perplexedpirate · 17/12/2014 16:35

Alright, I shall amend it.
It sounds to me as if you acted in a horrible manner.
I suppose the OP might be a wonderful person, but that's not what the post leads me to believe. I'm basing this on the language he uses, the comparison with her mother, the condescension and the absolute refusal to believe he's in the wrong.
I feel very sorry for the daughter, and I do genuinely hope her interview went well.

summer68 · 17/12/2014 23:48

A couple of thoughts
1- when you are in an argument that you think is "a bit bizzare " the problem is usually something else entirely- better to gently ask "what's really bothering you" rather than laughing. It's not too late to ask that question.
You did mention two very stressful situations so I think maybe you couldn't see there's a connection .
2 - please try not to compare her to your ex wife- as it sounds like you don't like her much.
Good luck - well done for trying.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread