Does anyone else have a different teen at home to the one that shows up to school?

[18yearstooold]

Dd at school
-mature, conscientious, polite, works hard, a shining example

Dd at home
-anxious, stroppy, argumentative, immature, hard work (but I do love her)

Where am I going wrong?

Don't assume you've done anything wrong. Maybe it takes so much effort for her to behave at school that she cannot keep it together at home. She feels safe there to express her emotions. I've often seen on these boards that people say they experience that with their children who has SN, e.g. Aspergers.

Ha ha, that's everyone's teen !!

Young adult at school, out of home environment with clearly set boundaries and rules where he has enough experience to know how to behave and is confident there.

Home - child. Feed me and clean up after me, I'm not quite ready to look after myself.

They say tghe best measure of how your teen will be as an adult is how they behave outside of the house.

Sounds like you've a winner.

Go tell him how lovely he is and see how far he runs

Hell Yes !!! someone on MN said to me the other day that the DD I know is not the person she really is, the person she really is, is the one she shows to other people, thank goodness

I really hope that's true

Agree with other posters; the person she is when out of the home is the person she will grow into.
The fact she can vent all her anger and frustrations at home shows how completely secure she is with you!
My DD17 is exactly the same - I'm learning to ignore, ignore, ignore!

Please Read - get out my life but first take me and Alex to town. It will make everything that's happening make sense.
You're not doing anything wrong. Please read the book or equivalent it will save your sanity.

I thought everyone had a different teen at home to the one that is at school. I definitely do. Don't feel you're doing something wrong.

I have the opposite ! Fine (ish) at home has the odd strops but at school very very challenging.She does have some difficulties accessing the curriculum as the second i try and get homework done she changes snaps cries and screams :-(

I think that's fairly standard for teens and preteens, and junior aged tbh.

In fact, come to think of it, as a teacher, if I had £1 for every parent that has double checked with me at Parents evening (and I'm talking mainly Reception and KS1) if I was sure I was talking about the right child, I could have retired by now

Yep - I've got 2 like that here. Actually, scrub that - credit where it's due, the 17 year old has turned a massive corner in the last few months and we now have a young man who (in the main!) is lovely inside and outside the home. I'm taking full credit for that after all the nightmare years we've had with him over the years.

The 15 year old is (apparently) lovely, intelligent, articulate, hardworking and mature outside the home. Inside the home she's a messy, lazy drama-llama who likes nothing better than shouting at her brothers from the sofa with a packet of crisps in her hand and the Kardashians on TV

Polite and nice. Even enthusiastic
Versus defiant, contrary, aggressive.
Guess which one i get!

It's not only at school that they suddenly become angelic again. It's lovely to be complimented by their friend's parents about how delightful, well mannered, helpful, etc etc they are when they visit, and their friends are all equally lovely when they come here - so why do they both go demonic when there's only me and their dad to impress?

"the person she is when out of the home is the person she will grow into"

Thank you, this had really struck a chord with me :)

I hope so 3cats and Meanwhile

I can remember ds's Nursery Teacher telling me about how lovely he was - when we were having a nightmare with him at home - and asking me wouldn't I rather he was lovely when out I wasn't so sure at the time.

We've had it throughout his growing up years - everyone else thinks he's lovely. Now he's away at University, I'm beginning to agree with them!

That is reassuringly lovely, thanks Meaningful.

Meanwhile, sorry!