Don't know what to do anymore

[Annie1414]

Im just at the end of my tether and don't know what to do anymore. Have a 15 year old daughter. For the past year we have gone through a terrible time with her. I'll explain the situation but before I start just want to say we love her very much and will do anything to protect and help her.

She was bullied quite badly at school and didn't go there for over year. The school were absoulely hopless in trying to help us. Within this time she got in with a really bad crowd. She was sexually assaulted (although not by this crowd), she was then beaten up and didn't go out the house for 2 months. She has been getting constant threats from this old crowd of people although she no longer hangs around with them. She has been self-harming cutting all over her body, she attempted suicide twice. Our GP was very good and was able to speak to her. She ended up in hospital a couple of times and then CAHMS arranged for her to be admitted to a unit for support but she refused to go and they wouldn't section her. She agreed to go to out-patients appointments with CAHMS, but when the time came, she refused again to go. We now have several social workers in involved and the police, from when she got beaten up. She will now not go out alone. She now goes to a new school which she seems to enjoy but we have to take her and pick her up. Unfortunately, she will not talk to us at all and she will very rarely tell us how she is feeling. We are getting days now when she wont go into her new school at all. She is really really nasty in the way she speaks to me and blames me for everything and says I have never been there for her, when I have always been there. Beside everything else, it is the nastiness to me that is really getting to me and I really don't know how much more I can take. I love her dearly and just want to help her, but she wont let me help at all and just shouts and screams at me, telling me to F**k off and that's not just in doors she will do it outside as well.

She won't do anything to try and help herself, says she doesn't need any help. :(

This is WAY outside my knowledge and experience, but I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

Hopefully this will bump it for someone more helpful to come along.

I have been in a similar situation so if you want to private message me please feel free.

You must be on your knees with worry and stress.
I wonder if her attitude to you is a mixture of normal teen anger towards parents and wanting to project onto and blame someone (you) for how she feels. I imagine it's easier to deal with if she feels it's someone's fault. Like the old saying - you hurt the ones you love the most. Her anger towards you is an outlet which has got out of hand. She prob also does it because she knows you love her deeply and no matter what she does you will be stood there by her side with unconditional love.
I can only begin to imagine how hard it must be to see her with such internal pain. I hope one day you can get her in therapy it will help her take her life back. X

I'm going through very similar and struggling badly - please pm me if you'd like to discuss and share ideas x

I hope things get better, I think they probably will. Hang on in there and don't take the insults personally. This might help

www.ted.com/talks/sarah_jayne_blakemore_the_mysterious_workings_of_the_adolescent_brain?language=en

Like a previous message has said this is way out of my knowledge base, I do understand how hurtful her remarks are to you but like someone has said I do think "you hurt the ones you love the most"
Hopefully soon she will understand that help is on offer and she just needs to accept the offer

I really feel for you and your daughter. I have 2 teenagers and to say it hasn't been easy is understatement of the year. I am still struggling myself so don't really have any advice. I just wanted to tell you that I understand what you are going through.

The stress of still being bullied is probably completely overwhelming for her and she is lashing out at you. Perhaps another trip to her GP would help.

I would have a word with the school about her absence and her mood. Could you talk to her form teacher and see if any of the staff or a school counsellor can keep an eye on her? This helped with my son. I told the head who looks out for him at school. It has made a difference.

The only other thing that I do that makes a difference is to speak to them in a normal tone the day after the explosion. I used to not speak and the whole thing would go on for weeks. I can't put myself through it anymore so the next day I say things like hi, how was your day? It derails them a bit. At least the hell of arguing and erupting into violence is minimised.

The nastiness is so utterly vile isn't it? Is there any chance you could totally ignore it and be nice to her even when you are at breaking point. Just say things like I love you and I always will and walk away. Even when you can hardly bear to be near her ask her if she would like to go out for a coffee and a cake. Its very hard to do but sometimes this works for me. Other times I get told to eff off and face a volley of abuse.

Maybe you could ask her if she would like her nails done as a treat or go to the cinema with you or get her hair done? I know these suggestions probably sound ludicrous. I am going through hell with my two but somehow I can almost manage to stay calm when the crisis blows over. I had to learn this tactic or I genuinely believe I would have had a heart attack or done some serious harm to myself.

I went on anti-depressants and beta blockers for a while and it did help me. Maybe you could see a counsellor yourself. I did and I learned some very valuable coping strategies.

Great advice from browersblue. Annie I understand how you are feeling- I've found it immensely helpful to post here and the support has kept me going.
I hope things are going a bit better for you x