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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

School refusal

77 replies

chinup2011 · 12/11/2014 08:50

Well here I am again... Ds in GCSE year refusing to attend. I've been here before, it's been ongoing for two years, every (and I mean every) morning I'm on tenter hooks, cojoling, encouraging, forcing, demanding, whatever it takes to get him there. Sometimes we succeed and about one or two days a week we don't.

I've been to meetings where I'm now at the stage where if he is not in school I am fined. I have been honest with the school but now he says he's ill ( feigning illnes) and I can't afford to be fined.

He has no ambition to do any job, or go to college. He won't see a Doctor, he says there is nothing wrong, no bullying, he is happy, just hates school. No amount of threats, taking things away, incentives for attending makes a difference, his answer is - I don't care Mum.

A mentor is talking to him at school but as far as I can gather he is being very brusque with him, brushing it off as a waste of time.

I'm so stressed about this, I'm worried about his future ( never mind exam results) just what is he going to do, and the fact that I will get a criminal record for not getting him there! I'm a LP and sole bread winner. This is hard.

OP posts:
3catsandcounting · 12/11/2014 12:13

Bumping this - no advice I'm afraid although I'm in a similar with DD17 who's in 6th form. That awful feeling in the morning - will they/won't they?! Mornings are bad enough without this - I really do sympathise OP.

Original poster
chinup2011 · 12/11/2014 17:24

I'm sorry 3cats these last two weeks have been the worst. I've been out at work all day and come home to him playing on the xbox.
The Xbox is his only interest now, despite years of doing sports, scouts, music lessons having friends round etc. etc. trying to do my best to encourage his every activity, I have let this thing take over his life. Ive tried to take an interest in it with him, he makes videos and I've tried to be involved and not ' dis' his world. We have a good relationship we talk about the games he plays. There are two routes forward here that I can see, unless those wiser than me can advise otherwise: the first is carry on as we have been, on good terms getting through one day at a time, come May/June this will be over, I may have picked up a criminal record.
Or : switch off the Internet and take away his Xbox. This I know will result in a violent outburst where he will damage property - I may need to involve the Police. Our relationship will be in tatters at the very best.

I'm dreading tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
goshhhhhh · 12/11/2014 17:32

Does he hate school in general or this particular school?

Original poster
chinup2011 · 12/11/2014 18:26

School in general goshhhhhh offered to look into other schools but doesn't want to move. Won't even entertain college post GCSE.

OP posts:
goshhhhhh · 12/11/2014 18:32

Can you talk to him about the fine & they have to be funded somehow. Sell stuff on eBay eg computer games.

2fedup · 12/11/2014 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chinup2011 · 12/11/2014 18:50

His replies regarding funding a fine vary between ' I don't care' and 'use my birthday money'
We had a meeting at the school back in June when they said that I would face a fine, he managed to do the last three weeks. Then after the summer holidays he took one day off. He was aware that I was upset at this. I asked the school if the head of year could have a word with him to say that it had been noted that he was absent, to make a big issue of it. Nothing was mentioned so he took this as getting away with it. I'm not suggesting that the school help here, it's MY responsibility, but I'm very much singing alone. Maybe when a fine does appear and I do sell his stuff it may do the trick. I just want him to take the easy route and just comply with the rules, like most of us I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
chinup2011 · 12/11/2014 18:56

2fedup that's a good point, it has crossed my mind and I have put this to him. He actually sees a career in You Tubing.
I will read up about gaming addiction - good point.

OP posts:
goshhhhhh · 12/11/2014 19:45

You tubing has had lots of exposure recently so he probably thinks it is a viable career.

Coolas · 12/11/2014 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Travelledtheworld · 12/11/2014 19:56

I am sorry you are having such a tough time.

School probably have more experience of this than you do.
What do they do with non attenders ?
Is there no one who can speak to him and explain to him that he HAS to pass GCSE Maths and English and that he HAS to get a job or go to college.

What do they do with their other persistent refuses ?

And I am afraid it will involve removing the X Box. If he kicks off, maybe calling the police will be helpful and they will talk to him too.

Calico1706 · 12/11/2014 20:01

Don't want to depress you further, but in my experience you do need to keep looking for a solution.

My step brother went to school, but spent every other moment in his bedroom. He would not go into higher education and stayed in his room. He is now 32 and has never had a job and is still in his room. His mother has hoped that each day would be different and he would get up and do something, she relied on having a good relationship with him and is happy when he comes out of his room to watch tv with her. She did shout too and threaten, but to no avail.

Original poster
chinup2011 · 12/11/2014 20:14

Yes I asked for a reduced timetable a long time ago. I asked the Headmaster to talk to him to tell him he must go to school. The headmaster is a very busy man. Ds offered to do work at home. School said no he must attend. That is the law after all, lots of us have to do things we don't like, I just can't get him to see that.
Over the months/ years his console has been often used as a bartering tool. The stress is immense. But hey it's what you have to do- I am self employed and this eventually impacts on my ability to work, I'm exhausted with it all.

OP posts:
Gooseysgirl · 12/11/2014 20:22

Although this book is aimed at professionals it's easy to read and might be helpful for you... www.amazon.co.uk/Understanding-School-Refusal-Professionals-Education/dp/1843105675

lljkk · 12/11/2014 20:23

Technically that's not School Refusal. School Refusal is an anxiety problem.

What you are dealing with (my DS does it too) is plain old truancy. I wish I had a solution for us both. I am also docking DS pocket and other money to pay for anticipated fines. Other privileges withdrawn but there's no point in highly escalating further. Someone (professionally qualified) has suggested that school could creatively try to find something for my DS to look forward to doing every day, so that the bad moments are compensated by something good.

Cheer up, could be worse. Mine is only in yr10 so I have another 18 months. At least you're down to just 6 months. I have googled the procedure of what happens if we kick him out at 16.

And look after yourself. I am definitely on an emotionally detaching trajectory or I simply won't last the course.

lljkk · 12/11/2014 20:24

ps: I don't think we get criminal records as long as we pay the fines on time. Only if they have to prosecute.

Passmethecrisps · 12/11/2014 20:32

This sounds terribly stressful.

I am a secondary teacher who deals fairly regularly with school refusal problems.

You sound like you are trying very hard but feeling like you are on your own is no good.

I am in the scottish system so I appreciate that there will be differences however here are some of the things we would be trying:
Sending an educational psychologist to the house to make an assessment
Contacting sw to make them aware (usually not relevant but can be helpful if there are other issues or sometimes they can be able to come out to the house for a one off chat)
Suggesting a flexible package of reduced timetable, work experience and/or a college placement.
Personally, I would be in almost daily contact with you.
Seek the support of the careers service.

I would also recommend you take as hard a line as you can live with. Remove all electrical devices from his room and either give them to a relative or sell them to pay for the fines.

There is unlikely to be an immediate answer unfortunately.

Original poster
chinup2011 · 12/11/2014 20:32

You are right lljkk plain truancy.
I have to say the school have not been supportive, they think he is just lazy and should just get on with it, soon he will be leaving- problem solved. A fair enough attitude and one that I would have taken myself if I had not been living it. I have also googled what happens post 16, I am responsible for his education until he is 18! I'm not going to last the course.

OP posts:
Gooseysgirl · 12/11/2014 20:34

Does your LEA have a school behaviour support team? Check with the inclusion leader/senco at the school. They might have outreach teachers who can help.

SweepTheHalls · 12/11/2014 20:37

Perhaps point out that that you will have to sell his x box to pay the fine....

Original poster
chinup2011 · 12/11/2014 20:54

Thank you for all your replies.
#pass in the early days, I was regularly in touch with the school, and it was very much a 'well it's your job to get him there' attitude. I was / am desperate and eventually they got a mentor to talk to him. This is not working at all it seems. If this happens tomorrow, I'm going to take the hard line with him, then call the inclusion leader/ senco, thank you goosey and then possibly the police.
His behaviour at school is fine and I think they think the problem will go away in a few months, he is predicted at least 5x a-c GCSE results so won't affect their figures I guess.
I'm cynical here as I have been just about in tears with worry talking to the head of year, and have begged the HM or anyone to speak to him, but nothing.

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 12/11/2014 21:00

He doesn't have to go to school...But he has to get an education...There's no way you could Home Ed him I suppose?

I think Coolas suggestion is good, Xbox only when has been to school that day. Certainly home should be even more boring than school if he is off.

The trouble is, the more he is off, the more behind he is, and the more grief he's probably getting from teachers for being behind in prepping for controlled assessments. So he gets into a negative spiral.

If he could drop all but 5 GCSEs but get them it would keep so many more options open for him. Definitely keeping Maths and English Lang, plus 3 others (which maybe have minimal ca/coursework).

Coolas · 12/11/2014 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ashtrayheart · 12/11/2014 23:25

My ds (nearly 16 and has asd) was the same. I've deregistered him and signed him up for igsces.

ashtrayheart · 12/11/2014 23:26

Igcses even!

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