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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

School refusal

77 replies

chinup2011 · 12/11/2014 08:50

Well here I am again... Ds in GCSE year refusing to attend. I've been here before, it's been ongoing for two years, every (and I mean every) morning I'm on tenter hooks, cojoling, encouraging, forcing, demanding, whatever it takes to get him there. Sometimes we succeed and about one or two days a week we don't.

I've been to meetings where I'm now at the stage where if he is not in school I am fined. I have been honest with the school but now he says he's ill ( feigning illnes) and I can't afford to be fined.

He has no ambition to do any job, or go to college. He won't see a Doctor, he says there is nothing wrong, no bullying, he is happy, just hates school. No amount of threats, taking things away, incentives for attending makes a difference, his answer is - I don't care Mum.

A mentor is talking to him at school but as far as I can gather he is being very brusque with him, brushing it off as a waste of time.

I'm so stressed about this, I'm worried about his future ( never mind exam results) just what is he going to do, and the fact that I will get a criminal record for not getting him there! I'm a LP and sole bread winner. This is hard.

OP posts:
sticks2 · 26/02/2015 14:22

You're right, Baileymum, it's horrible. For the whole family, including the child.

We've had this since my son started secondary school and I think the longer it goes on, the harder it is to stop.

Has your son started at a new school? Looking back now, we should perhaps have changed schools and done immediate tough love. No school, no .... and no days off, ever.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 26/02/2015 14:37

Baileymum I know this is beyond a lot of people because it involves one parent not working, but are you in any sort of position to consider home ed?

I did it for a bit with smaller dcs and there were a lot of 10/11/12yo there with similar problems, doing very well with HE

too late for my ds- he's in 6th form! (don't want to post a lot of info on here as am identifiable so can't do much personal stuff)- chinup fwiw there is a world of difference between schools. With his last one, they treated me as One Of Those Mums and ds as a lazy git- even though he spent a year feeling as though he was about to throw up all the time. His current school can't do enough for him and are really on it

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 26/02/2015 17:25

What is he predicted good grades in for GCSE's?

Is there an alternative to traditional 6th form that might suit him? My brother is in a different educational system and struggled massively until he left school. The turning point came when he identified a 3rd level course in computer gaming that he wanted to do, that was set up in incremental stages.
So a 1 yr certificate, pass that and you can sign up to a 2 yr diploma, pass that and you can do an additional year and leave with a degree.
He's like a different person - and by the look of things will finish his diploma this year but has every intention of leaving with a degree and is v confident [as are his lecturers] that he will walk into a design job.

I'm sorry - I have no personal experience as my kids are tiny but it was my parents experience with my brother. Not a lot worked to be honest. My dad used to switch off the wifi every night at 10pm so he couldn't do anything on a computer past then. It used to spark huge rows but he was at least forced to go to sleep at a semi reasonable hour and be fit to get out of bed in the morning.

Original poster
chinup2011 · 26/02/2015 22:30

He went in today! Albeit very late. When I wake up that's the first thing I think of- how big a battle will it be.
He never goes to bed late, so he's not too tired, he just thinks it's boring and will get get his grades with no effort.

Those of you up post suggesting a change of schools- looking back I think this would have been a good plan. When he first started refusing more than two years ago, I investigated other schools and put this an option for him. He was adamant that he didn't want to go to any school. Now I think I should have been insistent.

At the beginning I asked the head to have a word with him and almost wished they'd expelled him to force the issue. I'm sure another school would have handled it differently. I don't wish to suggest that the school is in anyway to blame here at all, but they have an attendance officer- who I have only seen twice at my request and I'm afraid to say I have been left to get on with it.
I have requested many times to speak to HoY, HoD, pastoral head, THE. Head but am rarely got back too; he is leaving anyway for exam study leave in May so we only have two months or so left.

HEd has not really been an option, I work from home running my own business and am too thick to teach him myself.
Going forward he doesn't want to go to college, an apprenticeship would be ok, if he could get one with such a poor attendance record.

To make matters worse I got a letter this morning advising me that he has a SATURDAY morning detention for being consistently late. SATURDAY MORNING!!!! OMG. Give me a break!

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TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/02/2015 15:43

Did you know that there are actual jobs testing computer games ....? For 8 hours a day.... I'd die of boredom but it might appeal to him. There's bound to be minimum GCSE grades in English and Maths at least required to start down that road..
www.gamesindustry.biz/jobs

The school sounds utterly rubbish - can he change for the 6th form? He has to stay in some form of education or take up an apprenticeship so maybe it's worth pointing that out and seeing if it will raise any enthusiasm for setting his own destiny?

Original poster
chinup2011 · 27/02/2015 21:40

Thanks for the link Tread, he is definitely not staying on for sixth form.
He doesn't even want to go to college, he has thought about an apprenticeship but with a track record of attendance like his, I'm not sure who would take him on. He has no real ambition- it's so frustrating, because when he does take an interest in something he usually excels at it. He didn't go in today, we had a real struggle this morning.
I'm going to look at the above link thanks again.

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Zinkies · 28/02/2015 01:15

I think you should just deregister.

Just looking at it practically, there's no realistic prospect of any enforcement action being taken in the next few months, even if your home ed provision is very suboptimal.

It would protect you from any further fines, and allow you to claim child benefit for another couple of years, because he would have started being home educated while of compulsory school age.

Baileymum45 · 03/03/2015 21:23

Just wondered if there was a way to start a support group for school refusers there are a lot of people who don't wish to share things on here incase they are identified myself included anyone any ideas how to start a private group I'm not good with social media but would a closed Facebook group work?

TeenTroubles · 04/03/2015 07:07

My DS is year 10 and was also a school refuser. The school were no help at all. Any suggestions I made as to how they could help were met with 'No you will be fined'. So I deregistered him. It took the pressure off trying to get him to school in the mornings and worrying about fines. But it's not ideal as he is still very lazy and puts the minimum effort into his work. He doesn't want to socialise with other teenagers and if they try to befriend him he just glares and refuses to talk. He is so rude to his tutors that they are not sure if they can cope with him for much longer. I have no idea if he will get any GCSEs with such minimum effort and I worry for his future especially with his rude attitude I can't see how anyone will employ him and if he doesn't get his five GCSEs he won't be able to go on to do the college course he is vaguely interested in.

I would definitely be interested in a support group. I don't think any of us have the answers but it is such a stressful situation it would be good to feel less alone.

Footle · 04/03/2015 07:29

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Baileymum45 · 04/03/2015 08:21

Yep I agree footle fed up with being told just make him, people just don't understand, would you be interested in a Facebook group think you can make them closed groups so you can only allow certain people to join.

Footle · 04/03/2015 10:02

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lljkk · 04/03/2015 10:25

let me know about FB group, too, please.

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 04/03/2015 10:29

oh pleeeeease someone set one up I'm far too dozy

I wrote a long post last night which the laptop seems to have eaten- good job

I don't mind so much putting my own personal stuff up, because I can control it- but ds is an adult nearly and splurging his personal stuff all over a public forum would def be a betrayal of trust. Also there are family ishoos I can't go into here

I think ds (17) is much older than most of the dcs talked about on here but I would find it very useful. In RL I can only really talk to OH about it- I do talk to my mum sometimes but she finds it too upsetting Sad

I keep noticing mums with chubby baby boys in slings and getting all wistful Grin

Baileymum45 · 04/03/2015 19:37

Ok think I have created a group on Facebook, I have called it school refusers parental support it's icon is a satchel
It's a closed group so only members will see comments, I couldn't make it secret as people wouldn't be able to find it
I'm not great with technology but hopefully you will be able to search and find it easily

X

MuddhaOfSuburbia · 05/03/2015 12:28

I can't find it

I'll have a go on laptop

Feeling bit desperate today tbh

HareRayZing · 05/03/2015 12:44

I don't know what sort of hoops you have to jump through to access this option, but several of the private online secondary schools in the UK seem to have a section for kids where the fees are paid by the LA, so the child can stay in education even if circs mean it is outside of mainstream "brick" schools.

I can pull you up some links and certainly I think if you believe it is a plausable solution in your case it might be worth a call to some of the schools to see if they can guide you through the process.

Baileymum45 · 05/03/2015 12:50

Muddha are you able to send me a private message on here, I then can give you my name so you can friend request me on fb and I can add you

Jayne131 · 05/03/2015 21:07

I would like to Join but can't find it on Facebook!

2lol2lol · 05/03/2015 21:31

I found FB group alright, It has exactly the name Bm5 said.
There are a lot of other groups, though :( so many of us dealing with this.

Footle · 06/03/2015 20:49

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
chinup2011 · 07/03/2015 09:43

That's what I want to read footle- that there is a happy ending. Can I ask did they finally see the light themselves and after they left school, was it their own doing? Eccentric is fine, I just want happiness. I love my DS to bits but I can see him living at home doing nothing into adulthood.
He had a meeting at school yesterday about choices after school. I said to ask lots of questions and really listen to your options. When he come home he said I only got to ask one question... which was... would my Mum still get fined if I did nothing after I left?
The more I have insisted on school the more he has rebelled. It seems the more I talk about his future the more fed up he gets. So I'm thinking if I just leave him to it...
I can completely understand Footle you not wanting to rake over old ground and every circumstance/child is different but I'd be interested to know did they change after they left school and how much influence did you have. I'm so sorry you had two- that is tough, I just can't imagine the stress.

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Footle · 07/03/2015 10:12

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Footle · 07/03/2015 10:14

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Original poster
chinup2011 · 07/03/2015 14:41

Footle whatever you think best- take your time. I know there are no answers, it just helps to hear that someone has come out the other end ok, believe me.
Further up post or it could even be on another that I was posting to on the same subject. Someone mentioned how important it is to address this as their brother had remained in this mindset into adulthood- that has stuck with me. My DS will be leaving school in July anyway but I anticipate this refusal attitude to continue.
Anyway as I say take your time. X

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