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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS.....Beaten and humiliated

82 replies

claire4141 · 27/09/2006 09:39

We held a birthday party for dd at best friends restaurant, all going well, until, ds (15) appears battered, briused and very tearful (not like him),apparently, best friends ds (18)had pinned him down and would not let him up and causing briusing to neck from pushing on pressure point and bruising to ribs, this happened in front of huge gang of ds school friends, therefore ds didnt want to go today, but has, though worried about the fact he cried in front of them all. The beating was pretty grim and ds very shaken. The problem I face is dh very angry and wants to deal with it, but its best friends son, and via text is telling different story, dont want to have big fall outs, but as bruising is plain to see, friends son not telling truth.

OP posts:
FluffyCharlotteCorday · 27/09/2006 11:11

Agree he needs to learn the consequences. If he receives the message that this is normal, he may do it again and cause far more damage next time. In a way, it's better that he has a brush with the police now, when he might get away with a caution, than if he assaults someone six months down the line and ends up on a GBH charge with a prison sentence.

Having said that, I think you need to talk to your ds as he may be reluctant to press charges as well and may feel that control has been taken from him. Also Victim Support may help with this - could you get your DS to talk to them too?

Beetroot · 27/09/2006 11:11

Have you spoken to your friend yet?

Kathlean · 27/09/2006 11:11

oops sorry for double post

Beetroot · 27/09/2006 11:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BudaBabe · 27/09/2006 11:15

I know that in a black and white world you would just call the police. However the world is not black and white.

These are long-standing friends. It appears to have been the first such incident. If the do report it to the police then the friendship is affected forever. For something that MAY have been horseplay gone wrong. I am not excusing it in any way but I just feel that Claire needs to have all the facts before doing someting irrevocable like getting the police involved.

Obv if this boy has behaved this way before then yes - get the police involved.

Lizzylou · 27/09/2006 11:20

Agree with Budababe, I have 3 brothers and the youngest two are very boisterous, without thinking they could go too far and injure someone..
I also have 2 DS's and if anyone ever hurt them I'd be livid, so not a cut and dried situation.

Mascaraohara · 27/09/2006 11:21

I've been thinking about this and after initially saying yep, absolutely, I would call the police I'm now not so sure.

"Typewriting" doesn't sound that harmful (or have I missunderstood?) also.. If I was the other mum I'd never forigve my 'friend' for doing that and not sorting it out with me.

Very hard call.

Beetroot · 27/09/2006 11:23

I am with the last three posters..I think you need to talk to all involved first. You have known these people for 12 years. she is your best mate. This boy needs to maybe be threatened with police but first I think you need to get everyone together

FluffyCharlotteCorday · 27/09/2006 11:24

Hmm, agree in principle budababe, but this isn't horseplay gone wrong. The kid was crying in front of their friends at the age of 15. That really doesn't sound like rough play gone too far to me, that sounds really nasty. He's also denying it, not apologising or saying that something went too far.

Yes I'd talk to my friend, but I'd make it very clear to her that i was going from the starting point of expecting to involve the police unless there was a very good reason not to.

anniediv · 27/09/2006 11:25

Agree with FluffyCC.

BudaBabe · 27/09/2006 11:35

I know FluffyCC - I just think that Claire needs to have all facts before involving the police.

She may also want to ask why her DS's other friends stood back and watched.

FluffyCharlotteCorday · 27/09/2006 11:43

Yes, agree. The more information, the better.

anniediv · 27/09/2006 13:27

How are you Claire?

sugarfree · 27/09/2006 13:36

"She may also want to ask why her DS's other friends stood back and watched."

They were scared of being next maybe?

FluffyCharlotteCorday · 27/09/2006 13:45

It may all have happened very quickly as well - perhaps before they actually realised what was going on.

Piffle · 27/09/2006 13:51

Police are bale to deal with it as a criminal case or if they think it was not malevolent or intentional or whatever, they can still got and have a firm word with the 18 yr odl involved
My ds (then 11) was pushed over in a park by am 14 yr old boy.
It nspaped his upper arm bone when he landed
Ok we understood this boy ahd not intended to seriously injure ds, but I called the police as it was aserious injury and that boy needed to know that sometimes basic actions menaing no real harm have consequences.
I'd definitely have no hesitation calling police - maybe ask for it to be dealt with by liaison not criminal if you're ok with that

Piffle · 27/09/2006 13:51

able snapped
Sorry TERRIBLE typos

Original poster
claire4141 · 27/09/2006 14:05

Hi, am back and have sorted myself out, rung school to let them know situation and keep an eye for any problems, also rung other mum and to arrange meeting and talk through with boys, shall see what happens after that, DH still not happy, but hopefully he will let me deal with situation, many, many thanks for all support

OP posts:
Beccarolloveragain · 27/09/2006 14:07

Claire that sounds like a good plan.

FWIW at this stage I wouldnt ring the police. Maybe later but I would try and sort it out between you first.

Beetroot · 28/09/2006 09:12

How did it go?

BudaBabe · 28/09/2006 09:24

Any update today Claire? How is your DS??

mumblechum · 28/09/2006 12:08

bump

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 28/09/2006 12:20

Claire Hope your ds is feeling OK today. I see that you've already called the police - what did they say?

What does your son want you to do?

My ds2 15 was assaulted in the street almost a year ago. Just doing his paper round and a youth punched him in the face, completely unprovoked. We called the police who spoke to the youth but it wasn't taken any further as that's what ds wanted. Dh actually went and had a 'quiet word' too with him - his grandfather was present at the time - which was probably a good job. Slightly different to your case though as the youth was under 18 and not our friends.

I hope it hasn't knocked your ds's confidence too much and that his friends are supporting him.

shimmy21 · 28/09/2006 12:55

What a nightmare for Claire. The sort of thing every parent dreads.

I think this thread started off pretty tough on you which must have been the last thing you needed.On MN it is so very easy for us all to see everybody else's situation in black and white. e.g. You should call the police. You should divorce your husband (or whatever). Of course in real life it's not as simple as that and you need to find out a lot more before leaping on to the 'ultimate' solution.

The action you've taken so far and your plan to sit down with both boys and parents sounds a very positive first step. Good on you for keeping a clear head when lots on MN were losing theirs

noddyholder · 28/09/2006 13:00

This sounds like the sort of high jinks boys who are close get up to tbh and this time it went too far and the older boy over powered the younger one.He doesn't really deserve to be marched off to the police until the story is clear as if your families have been friends for years this could spoil something really nice for all of you Any chance of all getting together and dealing withit yourselves?Let him know how close he came to the police being involved and make it clear to your son that he is your priority.What does your ds think about involving the police?