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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS.....Beaten and humiliated

82 replies

claire4141 · 27/09/2006 09:39

We held a birthday party for dd at best friends restaurant, all going well, until, ds (15) appears battered, briused and very tearful (not like him),apparently, best friends ds (18)had pinned him down and would not let him up and causing briusing to neck from pushing on pressure point and bruising to ribs, this happened in front of huge gang of ds school friends, therefore ds didnt want to go today, but has, though worried about the fact he cried in front of them all. The beating was pretty grim and ds very shaken. The problem I face is dh very angry and wants to deal with it, but its best friends son, and via text is telling different story, dont want to have big fall outs, but as bruising is plain to see, friends son not telling truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
claire4141 · 27/09/2006 10:14

I do appreciate all the advice, have very slow, old computer so it takes a while for anything I write to come through! Am not dressed, have sent all littles to school and have only just had chance to think about the situation and how to deal with it, what I dont understand is that most of you (many thanks to the exeption)think I am doing nothing, how can that be when first thing I do is ask advice, which I will take, friend has not seen son yet, just recieved short text before credit ran out, we have talked about it and will again when she has seen son, also I would never ever put anybody before my children, so if ive come across as taking a backseat thats not the case

OP posts:
sugarfree · 27/09/2006 10:18

Claire,don't get upset with us,we're just trying to help.
Your 'friend's' son would tell a different story wouldn't he?
Your job is to be on your son's side (I imagine your 'friend' feels the same)
You need outside help on this one and that means the police.

anniediv · 27/09/2006 10:20

claire, if your 14 year old child has been beaten by an 18 year old man he has nothing to feel humiliated over. The man is a nasty bully and needs to be reported to the police. You would do the same if a random stranger attacked him wouldn't you? I'm very sorry you're feeling upset, what a horrible experience.

FluffyCharlotteCorday · 27/09/2006 10:27

Honestly claire, unless there are some extremely exceptional circumstances, your first port of call should be the police. I'd have called the police last night if it were my child.

Really, that's what normal people do when they're assaulted. They call the police. People who don't, move in circles where assault is normal and/ or acceptable behaviour. I don't say that as an accusation or anything, but do you really want your teenage ds to move in those kind of circles?

I appreciate that this must have come as a terrible shock to you, especially as your friend's son is involved, but you need to move quite quickly if the police are to take this seriously and if the perpetrator of this criminal act is to have any understanding of the fact that what he is done is simply beyond the pale as far as normal, civilised people are concerned. Anything else, and he will think it's normal. And if teenage boys think this sort of thing is normal, they'll carry on doing it. You might be doing your friend a favour by ensuring that her DS's offending behaviour stops here.

Original poster
claire4141 · 27/09/2006 10:30

DH would like for friends son to be treated the same way, humiliated in front of his friends, I have mentioned battered and bruised, battered mentally, not physically, though there is a briuse on his neck (pressure point) and ribs from "typwriting", which I had never heard of. Many thanks for all your replies, I don`t want to seem ungrateful, and I am taking all the advice offered seriously, though i must admit I am shocked at so many replies and pretty shaky as have not dealt with anything like this before.

OP posts:
anniediv · 27/09/2006 10:34

claire I really understand how hard it is and how shocked you are, but seriously, if someone you didn't know attacked your son in the street, you would call the police, and while I understand you dh's point of view, he would be as bad as the 18 year old if he were to seek similar treatment for him. Call the police, let them handle it.

FluffyCharlotteCorday · 27/09/2006 10:35

I think you're right not to take your DH's route. 2 wrongs don't make a right and your DH could be up on a charge. Apart from giving your DS the message that this sort of behaviour is normal.

Have you thought of phoning Victim Support? They might be able to give you some advice on dealing with the specifics of this horrible situation.

gigglinggoblin · 27/09/2006 10:38

i can understand why your husband feels like that claire, i am sure most of us would feel the same way. however if he went ahead and did it where would it end? would the 18yo get his father to come and do the same to your dh? or would your friend just pat her son on the head and say 'never mind dear'. i think it is more likely your dh would be charged with assault and once that happens the police will not take any complaint by your son seriously. it is hard not to just react, but it wont help if he does try to deal with it himself. if nothing else the police going round may scare him sufficiently that he wont do anything like that again.

throckenholt · 27/09/2006 10:40

I would take photos of Ds bruises. Get him to write down his version of what happened.

Then take that to your friend and ask her to talk to her ds about it. Get him to write what he thinks happened.

Then you two get together and figure out how you deal with it. Maybe it will be your DS and her DS getting together to talk things through. Assuming you don't want to press charges, maybe you will need to think about telling the police so that they have it on file - hate to say it - but if her DS does something like that again it would be helpful to have a record of a previous incident.

And maybe think about counselling for your DS so that he can talk through his experience and work out ways of dealing with it - he must have been very frightened and probably humiliated.

Mascaraohara · 27/09/2006 10:41

Seriously I would call the police. a man beet up a teenager! if it was a stranger that beat your son in the street would you hesitate?

Original poster
claire4141 · 27/09/2006 10:52

Am calling police

OP posts:
anniediv · 27/09/2006 10:53

Well done Claire. You are doing the right thing.

Original poster
claire4141 · 27/09/2006 10:53

Once I stop crying, god, get a grip woman!

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 27/09/2006 10:54

Well done, Claire.

anniediv · 27/09/2006 10:54

Keep posting on here, you will get support.

BudaBabe · 27/09/2006 10:55

Have you spoken to your friend yet?

I know everyone thinks you should call police but I think I would speak to friend first.

How id it start do you know. Was the 18 year old showing off? No excuse (before everyone jumps down my throat) but you need to know exactly what happened.

kiskidee · 27/09/2006 10:55

inform the school too as it happened in front of his friends and can cause 'peer problems' for him in ways you can't predict.

Original poster
claire4141 · 27/09/2006 10:59

I wont jump down your throat, can only guess boy showing off, he`s never done anything like this before, the lads have practically grown up together (12 years) which is why its so hard to bring in the police,

OP posts:
BudaBabe · 27/09/2006 11:03

Could it be that the 18 yr old (having grown up with your DS) didn't realise his own strength?

God I really feel for you as this is such a difficult situation. Presumably you have know the 18 yer old for years too?

I think I would maybe call Victim Support and see what advice they give. I would speak to your friend face to face and to the boy. Then I would sit down and ask your DS how he would liek to handle it. It may make him feel more in control.

anniediv · 27/09/2006 11:03

Claire, he is a man, your son is a child. You are too emotionally involved to sort it out yourself. If it's 'something and nothing' the police are in an ideal position to ask questions and find out what happened.

BudaBabe · 27/09/2006 11:04

I know legally and 18 yer old is an adult but some are still v. immature. Esp boys.

anniediv · 27/09/2006 11:07

Budababe, I know what you're saying, but if he's old enough to beat and humiliate someone whether it is showing off or not, I feel he is old enough to take the consequences. If he had done it to someone other than Claire's son, he would have to deal with it, so why is this different?

Lizzylou · 27/09/2006 11:10

AS this is out of character and perhaps horseplay gone too far, perhaps a very stern talking to by both families and the threat of the police would be enough to nip this in the bud?

Claire, you must be distraught, hope you can get some resolution here

Kathlean · 27/09/2006 11:10

I agree with lots of the others you have to report this to the police.

If he has bruises on his neck from being pinned his air or blood supply could have been affected. How much harder typewriting (what is that?) would have damaged his ribs rather than just bruising them.

To bruise a pressure point would have be f'ing painful and deliberately malicious in my opinion.

Don't give a monkeys bum that the other man didn't know his own strength or that they grew up together, he used force to pin down a boy and hurt him.

What happens if there is a next time?

If there is more to this story then the police will find out.

Kathlean · 27/09/2006 11:10

I agree with lots of the others you have to report this to the police.

If he has bruises on his neck from being pinned his air or blood supply could have been affected. How much harder typewriting (what is that?) would have damaged his ribs rather than just bruising them.

To bruise a pressure point would have be f'ing painful and deliberately malicious in my opinion.

Don't give a monkeys bum that the other man didn't know his own strength or that they grew up together, he used force to pin down a boy and hurt him.

What happens if there is a next time?

If there is more to this story then the police will find out.