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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Our 15yr old son's GF(16) is pregnant - help with responce

78 replies

jjuk2k2 · 26/09/2014 15:03

We have recently discovered our 15year old sons GF is several weeks pregnant (not sure how many as her mum wont disclose this or any info to us), she is 16. It is possible that he was in fact 14 and her 16 when this happened. We're furious and had no idea this was taking place. On discovering the news the GF's mother hit our son to add to the dilemma.

I'm thinking of going to the police to report both the mother for assault and also her daughter for what I assume is indecent assault on a child.. is this correct and am I wasting my time?

Our son doesn't want this child and we've offered to help out with private abortion costs if required. The girls mother refuses to share the dates or scan photos and claims its to late but wont give us any proof. We think she wants her daughter to keep the child to 'replace' one recently miscaried by the mother.

This entire situation is a mess, can anyone offer any advice.. right now the pair of them getting a police caution is my only option, probably fueled by my anger at the way the mother is dealing with this.

OP posts:
D0oinMeCleanin · 26/09/2014 15:07

You tried to cajole a teenaged girl into having an abortion?!

NorrisCole · 26/09/2014 15:07

As far as I'm aware, no crime has been committed apart from the assault on your son.

I understand you are angry but your son is just as much to blame as she is and surely you would have had a talk with him about contraception and safe sex?

Are they still in a relationship?

Whether your son wants the baby or not, he is responsible and will need to pay his way and support as much as he can for the next 18 or so years.

I think giving them time to calm down before you make contact again and calmly talking about the situation may help.

Your son needs to accept responsibility

MiscellaneousAssortment · 26/09/2014 15:08

Lordy what a mess.

I would be very conflicted, would getting the police involved help your son? I'm really not sure. The nature of their relationship is not something a person can understand from one post on the Internet I'm afraid...

The mother appears to be the main problem at this point, stopping you or your son from having the sensible and tough conversations that need to happen.

What do you want to happen longterm? Assuming you can't force the girl to have an abortion (which you can't), what would be the best case scenario for the future?

TantrumsAndBalloons · 26/09/2014 15:12

You cannot just say "our son doesn't want this child" and then wash your hands of it.
If people do not want children then they have to take full responsibility for not having them. Either by not having sex or by using contraception.
Your ds did neither of those. And now there is a child that he is responsible for. It's that simple.

Even if you report to the police for assault or whatever it doesn't change the facts.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 26/09/2014 15:12

It will be the 16 year old girl's decision whether she continues with the pregnancy or not. If the baby is going to be born her or she will be your grandchild, like it or not. I see no merit in reporting your future grandchild's mother to the Police - unless, of course, your son did not consent to sex with the girl, in which case, report away.

Her mother is another matter - although it may be better if both families can find a way to work together on this, rather than fighting. She was undoubtedly wrong to hit your son.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 26/09/2014 15:14

he or she, not her or she.

edamsavestheday · 26/09/2014 15:16

I know you are angry but stop and think about what might happen and what the consequences of each possible action are. And remind yourself that you can't actually control much of it - certainly not whether the poor girl has an abortion.

What does your son want? How does he feel?

Branleuse · 26/09/2014 15:16

Not much you can do really except bollock your son

chubbymummy · 26/09/2014 15:22

I understand how shocked and upset you must be feeling but first of all you need to realise that this CHILD didn't get pregnant by herself and your son played a part too. He might only be 15 but if he's going to have unprotected sex he's also going to have to deal with the consequences of that. You need to talk to him about possible STD's too.
The mother was without doubt very wrong to hit him and you would be well within your rights to call the police, they may also be able to advise you on where you stand in regards to finding out how far along the pregnancy is (assuming your son is unable to narrow it down himself).
I would suggest contacting a solicitor to see how you/he stands legally.
If the girl is refusing an abortion then there is nothing you can do, at the end of the day the decision is hers to make.

plinkyplonks · 26/09/2014 15:23

I can't believe your contribution so far is to offer to pay for an abortion and threaten the mother with the police?!

I think you're completely and utterly out of order. Sounds like the girl's mum is doing a great job in protecting her daughter from your unwarranted and inappropriate 'help'.

First step is to accept the baby is coming into this world whether you like it or not. It is absolutely not up to you and your son to dictate whether she has an abortion or not. She and her parents have made it clear that the baby is very much wanted. Please respect that and stop adding unnecessary pressure. You will regret this rift between families once the baby is born.

Offer practical support to the family... i.e. offer baby clothes etc. Organise parental access for your son, ensure your son is aware of the birth process should he be offered to be part of the process.

You can't undo the past. Right now I think the root of your frustration is that they are not doing what you and your son want. But it's your son who decided to have sex, and babies are very much a potential consequence of that. I honestly think your anger is misguided. As for the assault, you have to consider what your son will get out of it long term - additionally, were there witnesses to the assault, has your son been whiter than white himself .. ? Not sure what the conviction rate is to be honest.

Haffdonga · 26/09/2014 15:28

I guess you feel in turmoil and panic not half as much as that young pregnant girl but you may find your post gets a very hostile response. It sounds a little as if you want to pay to make the problem go away. You can't. (Although you could accept that your son should accept some responsibility here too.)

Offering to get an abortion will not make the baby go away.
Getting the girl arrested for indecent assault will not make the baby go away.
Getting the girl's mum arrested for assault will not make the baby go away.
Cutting contact with them will not make the baby go away.

You and the girl's mum are going to become grandmothers to the same child. I'd be considering how you'd like that relationship to be in the future. Starting that relationship off with police cautions doesn't augur well for a future relationship.

By the way, don't make the mistake of assuming it's too late to talk to your ds about condoms. I know a ds who became father to two babies when he was fifteen.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 26/09/2014 15:29

You must be in shock but think of it from the young girl's point of view of if you had a 16 year old pregnant daughter.
It sounds as if the girl will get support from her mother which is good.

awsomer · 26/09/2014 15:39

I agree with Chicken, how would you feel if this situation was reversed and you were the mother of a dd instead of a ds?

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 26/09/2014 15:45

Is it definitely your DS's baby?

Original poster
jjuk2k2 · 26/09/2014 16:04

Thats a very good question.. we don't know..

Appreciate all the other comments too, it has made me take a step back and think.

Should also add that we've had the girls mother today asking for us to provide written confirmation that none of our family will have anything to do with the child. I'm 99% certain she is misguided enough to ensure her daughter has this baby to fill a gap in her life following her recent miscarriage and is making sure we're out the picture

OP posts:
MackerelOfFact · 26/09/2014 16:06

Your son had the chance to decide whether or not he wanted to be a father when he chose to have unprotected sex with his girlfriend. He chose to do so, therefore he chose to live with the consequences. The same applies to the girlfriend. As a parent of a teen, I assume you have had this conversation with him many times, as deciding he doesn't want a baby once his girlfriend is pregnant doesn't mean he isn't responsible for supporting the baby.

I think the best thing you can do for your DS, the baby and the girlfriend is to be supportive, helpful and patient. If she decides to have an abortion this should be her choice, not yours, her mother's, or your son's. Involving the police won't help or change anything.

awsomer · 26/09/2014 16:08

How do you feel about that request OP? What do you all want to do? How does your son feel about it?

rainbowinmyroom · 26/09/2014 16:11

If my son does something that stupid I'd knock seven shades of hell out of him.

Nothing you can do about it now. He will have no real rights if and when the mum decides to go with someone else or move, other than being expected to pay, so I wouldn't offer a thing or get in any way attached to the child, it's a losing game for all of you.

Don't sign a thing.

It might not even be his.

RandomFriend · 26/09/2014 16:13

All this must all be a shock right now. Don't sign anything in haste that is so long-lasting.

At some point he might want a paternity test - perhaps ask for that?

Damnautocorrect · 26/09/2014 16:14

As it looks like an abortions out the question and given what you've said adoption unlikely.
This family will be linked to your family forever, I think the best thing you can do is try and build bridges. Wether you like it or not this is the situation your going to have to make the best of it

RandomFriend · 26/09/2014 16:14

Getting angry with your son won't help in any way.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 26/09/2014 16:18

I wouldn't be signing anything.
I wouldn't be doing the psychology bit on why the mother is her supporting her daughter.
I wouldn't be mentioning abortions either. Obviously it is the teenage girls choice and also at that age they tend to do the opposite to what is suggested.
She needs time to come to terms with her pregnancy, as you all do.

I was a young teen mum, that girl needs support. I bet she is terrified.

plinkyplonks · 26/09/2014 16:21

jjuk2k2 - Personally, at this point - I wouldn't sign anything and her asking to your son sign it is not acceptable. In fact, it may be worthwhile seeking legal advice (not sure if CAB or other agencies will also be able to provide this information) as to what rights he will have as the father and how to go about establishing access.

The important thing to recognise is that your son may feel he doesn't want access now, but how is he going to feel about his child in 4 years, 6 years time etc?

I think it's very unlikely your family and son are not going to want to have contact - especially when it is no longer a 'pregnancy' but a baby that you can see, feel, touch - and will likely strongly resemble your son. This child should be part of your family, regardless of what the mother wants. This is your grand child!

In a few years time, this child needs to know that her father and family fought for access for them, that the child is loved and wanted even though they were not planned.

If you need to respond to the letter, please highlight the support you are offering to provide - baby clothes, practical items for the baby, any emotional or other support you are able to offer.

Once the shock has died down, it's time to get practical. I know it's not the future you wanted for your son, or the future your son wanted. But it's time to move forward, and the sooner you and your son do this - the better position of strength you'll be in.

grumpasaur · 26/09/2014 16:21

Are you for real????

God I wish I could knock some sense into YOU!!!

You are trying to pressure a vulnerable 16 year old girl into having an abortion?!?!?!?! Are you insane?

It is her body and her choice.

If your son didn't want a baby, he should have worn a condom. End of.

She was not- either morally or in the eyes of the law- committing any kind of indecent assault. Two minors were having sex. I can't of course guarantee, but working with young people specifically in the area of sexual health for over a decade means that I am pretty qualified to suggest it wasn't the girl who pushed for early sex anyway!!

Does your son generally not have to accept responsibility for his actions?

In my view- from what you have said, the mom is protecting her daughter and supporting her to ensure the child is wanted and healthy and safe.

Perhaps you should take notes!!!!!

starfishmummy · 26/09/2014 16:22

Obviously there is a lot of upset on all sides here and perhaps the two grandmothers to be need to calm down.