Our 15yr old son's GF(16) is pregnant - help with responce

[jjuk2k2]

We have recently discovered our 15year old sons GF is several weeks pregnant (not sure how many as her mum wont disclose this or any info to us), she is 16. It is possible that he was in fact 14 and her 16 when this happened. We're furious and had no idea this was taking place. On discovering the news the GF's mother hit our son to add to the dilemma.

I'm thinking of going to the police to report both the mother for assault and also her daughter for what I assume is indecent assault on a child.. is this correct and am I wasting my time?

Our son doesn't want this child and we've offered to help out with private abortion costs if required. The girls mother refuses to share the dates or scan photos and claims its to late but wont give us any proof. We think she wants her daughter to keep the child to 'replace' one recently miscaried by the mother.

This entire situation is a mess, can anyone offer any advice.. right now the pair of them getting a police caution is my only option, probably fueled by my anger at the way the mother is dealing with this.

She has her mum for support. Might not be his, she can take off with the kid at will with it ad you will never see it. I would not sign a thing and stay well out of it. If they want him on the birth certificate I'd have a paternity test first.

I echo everything rainbowinmyroomsaid

i'm more shocked at your response than the situation! Your son is not the first and wont be the last young lad to get a girl pregnant. It does not reflect on your parenting!It is your job to show him how to behave as a responsible adult and future parent. It is too late to change the past now he (and you) need to do what's best for the child, which would mean staying on civil terms with the mums family. Obv if this isn't possible leave the door open!
Hope everything works out for you ,

Oh, and after you have torn a strip off your ds and re-talked the condom talk with him, please give him a hug. He's probably a very scared kid and needs to know his mum still has his back.

I don't see anything wrong per se with offering to pay for an abortion. it's one option that should be considered.

but overall I with most posters, it's not your/your ds' decision to make and I would be wary to sign anything at this stage.

TBF we don't know if contraception was used; it isn't 100% safe after all.

I would sign nothing at all, not respond even verbally to a request to have nothing to do with the baby. Your son, when he baby is born, may decide he wants contact with his child. The mother may want your son to provide for the baby in the future. There are legal ways to address both of those later on if these situations come up.

Is he sure the baby is his? This also has an impact, and if he is unsure then he may wish to ask for a paternity test at a later date too.

Re the legalities of sex between a 16y and a 14y: www2.essex.ac.uk/clc/hi/childright/article/199/cR199_3.pdf This has further information, though it is not particularly clear when it is two minors involved who are, both over 13y and also close in age (less than 3 years different) and where there is consent.
I'm also not convinced that legal action would be a good course of action anyway and not sure what you would hope to achieve from this.

TBF to the op she states " we've offered to help out with private abortion costs if required. "

She doesn't say that she has told the girl to get an abortion. Offering to pay, if required is not the same as putting pressure on the girl to terminate.

The fact that the girl's mother hit the OP's son is not good, and may be worth recording for now. This is assault, but again I am not sure at the moment what benefit there would be to involving police other it, with so much going on between the families.

Just for clarity. If the GF is over 16 and your son is under 16, she has committed an offence: sexual activity with a boy aged under 16, offender under 18. Sexual Offences Act 2003. I cannot see it would be in the public interest to pursue though and it is highly unlikely charges would be brought.

an abortion is the best thing for a vulnerable 16 year old with a 15 year old bf so I don't know why the OP is being berated.

What 'sense' is it that should be knocked in to her? that having a baby is a great idea??

I hope OP's son learns to wear a condom from now on.

Wow. Lots of vitriol here. If my son got a girl pregnant at 15 I'd offer to pay for an abortion too.

My advice is to se a solicitor asap. In the meantime say/ sign nothing. Do not allow your son to be with her or her family unsupervised. Demand a dna test when the child is born

The mother shouldn't have hit your son but is involving the police really in anybody's interest? If this girl was under 16 when she conceived your son broke the law, if she was 16 then yes its indecent assault by her. However, as its consensual sex the police are unlikely to prosecute.
You've offered to pay for a termination but it's up to the girl. If she goes ahead with the pregnancy all you can do is get a DNA test done once the baby is here.
Your son shouldn't sign anything if she has the baby he will have to pay child support, the csa will insist when the girl or her mother start a benefits claim.
Your son and this girl had consensual sex and if she goes ahead with pregnancy he will be a father. Do you really want the child to be denied their father?

I'd be inclined to tell the girl's mother that you would like time to talk it through with your son. They have obviously had longer to process this than you have.

I wouldn't mention your thoughts on her mother's motives regarding the baby though.

I can't believe your contribution so far is to offer to pay for an abortion and threaten the mother with the police?!

I think you're completely and utterly out of order. Sounds like the girl's mum is doing a great job in protecting her daughter from your unwarranted and inappropriate 'help'.

I can't believe the girls mother's contribution so far is to hit the OPs son, refuse to give any information and try to force the OPs family to have nothing to do with the baby. The girls mother is the one who is completely and utterly out of order and is doing a shit job.

An abortion is a valid choice and offering to pay is the right thing to do. Whether the girl takes up the offer is entirely down to her, although it sounds like her mother is making the decision for her.

OP hasn't said that she has pressured the GF to have an abortion. She says only that she has, via the GF's mother, offered to pay for one.

Nor do we know whether or not her DS had unprotected sex. Contraception failure can happen to anyone of any age.

Is the relationship between DS and GF still going in? I'm guessing not, as you don't know how far along she is. But even if they are together, he shoud still attempt to forge some sort of co-parenting. What is missing from all this is his reaction and thoughts for the future.

If you haven't had these conversations with him yet, OP, they need to take place now. Even if a baby is the last thing he wanted in his life, it is happening and you can help, him step up to his new role as a father.

Can someone really sign a letter saying they want nothing to do with a child and from then on be refused access - sounds like nonsense to me.

We don't know the story, did the GF assure your DS she was on the pill, did the girl get pregnant after her DM's miscarriage - who knows who is to blame, unfortunately nothing can be done now.

GF could still change her mind about abortion. I would do what you are doing and offer support but stay away from them at present until things calm down.

You need to let the girl choose if she wants to keep the baby

You need to avoid signing anything which means your son/family will have no contact with the baby. Who knows what the future holds?

Lastly, your son made a mistake. He chose to have unprotected sex and he is reaping the outcome now. He is responsible for his actions.

Ok hang on all these comments about he shouldn't have had sex if he didn't want a baby, this is a child you're talking about, not a man. A child who for very good reasons can't consent to sex.

Fwiw, I think you're all in this together now, offer support, don't sign anything and hug your DS.

Firstly, op, sounds like you're having a hard time.

The trying to convince her to have an abortion was wrong though.

The mother hitting your son should be reported to the police, regardless of if her daughter is having your grandchild or not.

Them being so secretive either means a) the baby isn't actually your son's, b) they're faking the pregnancy, c) they don't want you involved at all.

You say that your son doesn't want a baby, perhaps you should get a dna test done after it's born? Unless of course there is no doubt that this girl would never sleep around, then I'm afraid that your son is indeed going to be a father.

Regardless of if he wants to or not, he's going to need to step up. You don't just conceive a child and then bugger off, it's heartless and cruel and would make your son an arse. If the girl refuses to allow him to see his child then there's always court action. Either way, if this baby turns out to be his there's no way he should walk away. When he has a job he'll need to pay maintenance, regardless of if he wants the baby or not.

Now I know how protective you'll be feeling right now, how suddenly your son's future has just changed drastically and there's nothing you can do to put things right again. You can, however, make sure your grandchild and his son has a loving extended family and try to amend this animosity. That may indeed mean not reporting the mother to the police though.

Best of luck to you and your son, and to this girl who's pregnant too.

You are out of order to offer to pay for an abortion. If your son didn't want a baby he should have used a condom.

As for the miscarriage point - I have had a miscarriage and no other baby, not even another one of my own, would act as a 'replacement' for the one I lost.

You won't get anywhere with police trying to prosecute the girl for underage sex. They will not treat that as a crime.
The girl' smother also can't get anyone to sign away their parental responsibility. No signed agreement will be worth the paper it's written on.
Hopefully when you have got used to the idea you will start to see this baby as a new family member not an embarrassment to ignore.

It stinks that the mother wants your son to sign any rights away to the baby. She isn't thinking about the baby at all.

I don't think anyone is.

FFS some posters are filling in the blanks a little too enthusiastically

I too would offer to pay for an abortion if required . That DOES NOT mean I would be pressurising the girl into an abortion. I would be cross with both. The boy AND the girl but I don't think getting angry would help at all and that it would be better to offer support and comfort to the boy and girl.

I suspect that the OPs may well be feeling very terrified himself. He is still a child and I would be wanting to support him as best I could. I would also be furious with him but I'd save the lecture until later.

Unfortunately the OP and her son are completely powerless in these circumstances. Its a shame that communications have broken down. Perhaps a letter would work better than any other type of contact.

Are they boy and girl at the same school? Would it be possible to get someone from the school to help mediate? A school councillor or someone similar?

If the girl goes ahead with the pregnancy and doesn't want the boy involved it will be very difficult for him if he does want to be. He will be labelled as a dead beat dad by some even if he had the best of intentions.

It's really shocking that the girls mother hit your son. You can't go around hitting children regardless of how angry you are. I might call 101 for advice.

is there any suggestion that the girls family are after money? I heard of a girl who wanted 'compensation' for having an abortion. The teen would be 'Dad' parents paid it . I don't know who suggested the 'compensation' though.

ExpiredUserName - It's the girl's choice. She has chosen to keep the baby. Offering to pay for an abortion is not appropriate.

"The girls mother refuses to share the dates or scan photos and claims its to late but wont give us any proof"

If what the mum says is true, the girl has had a scan - it's not longer an 'it' anymore but a baby that she wants to keep. And ExpiredUserName do you seriously think asking the school to mediate is appropriate? So the girl can't even go to school without having to face someone who has told her time and again he doesn't want the baby? How again is that appropriate? When will the girl's welfare come into it?

Leave the poor girl alone, leave her family alone and let her have the damn baby if she wants it. She's 16, she's not her parents property or anyone else's for that matter. And that baby until it's born is her concern and her concern alone unless she chooses otherwise.