Our 15yr old son's GF(16) is pregnant - help with responce

[jjuk2k2]

We have recently discovered our 15year old sons GF is several weeks pregnant (not sure how many as her mum wont disclose this or any info to us), she is 16. It is possible that he was in fact 14 and her 16 when this happened. We're furious and had no idea this was taking place. On discovering the news the GF's mother hit our son to add to the dilemma.

I'm thinking of going to the police to report both the mother for assault and also her daughter for what I assume is indecent assault on a child.. is this correct and am I wasting my time?

Our son doesn't want this child and we've offered to help out with private abortion costs if required. The girls mother refuses to share the dates or scan photos and claims its to late but wont give us any proof. We think she wants her daughter to keep the child to 'replace' one recently miscaried by the mother.

This entire situation is a mess, can anyone offer any advice.. right now the pair of them getting a police caution is my only option, probably fueled by my anger at the way the mother is dealing with this.

What a difficult time for you OP. I hope this thread settles down to being a bit more supportive. I don't see any evidence that you tried to pressure the girl into an abortion, so peeople are clearly jumping to a lot of conclusions.

Definitely do not sign anything relinquishing contact with your grandchild - if your son's GF chooses to keep the baby then that is a human being who has every right to know both sides of their family and it is totally inappropriate for anyone to try to put limits on that before he or she is even born.

Make it clear that you and your son will take seriously your part in supporting this child both emotionally and financially.

I have a colleague who is a 40ish year old who got his gf pregnant when he was 15. My colleague is one of the most well balanced and "together" blokes I know, and he attributes this to the maturity he gained from this experience, with a lot of support from his mum. It doesn't have to be a disaster. There are all sorts of different paths in life - your son's path is a bit rocky right now but that can be a positive thing too.

Thing is, signing a paper saying you want nothing to do with a child, whilst unenforceable as far as parental rights go, may constitute an admission of paternity. SIGN NOTHING.

I really feel as this point, with tensions as high as they are, the best thing to do is back off from the girl and her mother. Let things cool down, gather yourselves together, but do see a solicitor as soon as possible.

I'm in the US so this may not apply, but one of my friend's son got his gf pregnant when he was 16. He was not legally required to pay child support as long as he was in secondary school and not working. An order for support could be drawn up but was not enforceable (meaning he could not be found in contempt nor would arrearages accrue), nor could his parents be held legally responsible to pay the child support because he was a minor. They did help out by buying supplies and clothing and providing childcare.

I kind of agree with PrettyPictures as far as the girl's mother being vague about dates and info. What reason would they have to conceal that information, unless they had something to hide? Could she be farther along than the relationship would allow for? Or perhaps not, but they are lying about the dates to prevent any further suggestion of abortion.

I do think having scan photos and being just several weeks pregnant is a bit odd.

Yes, offering to pay for a private abortion - (quicker and possibly more comfortable than NHS) has unfortunately been extrapolated by posters to mean trying to convince her to have an abortion.

I feel for you Op. I'd wait and see what happens next.

Plinky
I thought it was clear from my post that it's clearly the girls decision as to what she does. Offering to pay for a private abortion IF REQUIRED doesn't change that.

Also, I still think my suggestion to look into councelling services at the kids school (if they go to the same school) is a good idea. I was thinking of the independent councilling services that are offered in some (might be all) schools. Teenage pregnancy is exactly the type of thing they would deal with. . If you weren't aware of this have a look as this link for schools in Northern Ireland. The service offered does depend on the school and area.

I agree. I do not see how you have tried to force the mother it have an abortion. All options should be being openly discussed

I wouldn't sign any things as (a) it won't be legally enforceable but, and most importantly, (b) the thought of such a document being produced at a later stage and shown to the child is heartbreaking

I would seek advice from an experienced family lawyer who can write to the mother (as guardian of the girlfriend, presumably) and ask the. To attend a family mediation with you and your son. At that, you can discuss all of the options re continuing with the oregnancy etc and what support your son will provide depending on what option (birth/abortion/adoption) is decided upon. However, a paternity test needs to be taken. In that letter, it should be made clear that you/your son will provide financial support for the child and will ensure that your son is named as the father on the birth certificate (that can be done by legal channels, if needs be). At the bare minimum, your son needs to take that responsibility and the chicks deserves that. Then you need to have a very frank discussion with your son re contact with the child. If he wants to have this (which he should) then he will need to commit fully to that. That means, if he goes to uni he will need to travel back home to see the baby etc. he cannot dip in and out. If he cannot commit to that, the it would actually be best for this baby (and that is the over-arching priority) in my opinion, if he stuck to financial support (essentially via you for the time being) only until he is mature enough to build a relationship with the child

If the mother will not attend mediation, then you can discuss next steps with the lawyer re financial support etc

In the middle of a similar mess all I can add is sympathies. The girls family do not want to pay for the baby- they expect us to, but with contact granted or withdrawn according to their whims. Our solicitors are drawing up an agreement because the two teens involved cannot speak to each other civilly.
All I can say is play a part in the child's life, a big a part as possible, because, whilst it's made our 16yr old and he has grown up so much and adores his child, at the end of the day, this baby is going to need love, support, and stability, and teenagers are not good on the last two.

What an awful situation that you all find yourselves in.

You and the girl's family are probably all in shock. If your son has indicated that he does not want a child and they think you are pressuring their daughter into termination then they are likely to rally round and close ranks.

It is ok to explore all the options, abortion being just one.

The girl's family will probably have already gone through all the options and reached their own conclusions and thus may see your offer as insulting or they may hold religious beliefs that mean abortion would be out of the question.

It is odd that the girl's family think that signing anything to distance your family from the baby would hold up in a court. I cannot see any judge agreeing that this was an enforceable agreement. However- the family might be caught up in an indignant anger because of the suggestion that the baby is aborted and their response may have been an un thought through backlash.

All emotions are going to be high right now. Her parents are shocked, you are shocked, the teenagers are scared stiff. It is a hell of a wake up call for the teenagers to realise that their bodies are those of adults even if their minds are not. I cannot see how involving the police or any enforcement agencies right now can help to get everyone into a state where the real issues of how we are going to parent/granparent this child can be addressed.

Your job now is to behave gracefully, as a reasonable adult and show your son how an adult deals with this kind of life incident.

You have not behaved unreasonably but you may not have put your views across with the level of senstivity that is required. The girl has her own difficult decisions to make and her own rights and she and her mum may misinterpret your offer to be a suggestion. Where I think you are being unreasonable is to try to make the girl's mother carry some responsibilty for the girl's decision because she lost her own baby. Armchair psyschology in this case will not help anyone.

You all need to let the news settle and then start again with the "what next conversations" when the shock has died down.

Best wishes to you all.

I feel sorry for the girl poor thing. It doesn't sound like the mother is looking out for her own interests from what the OP has said.

In fact, it doesn't sound like anyone is looking after the girl at all, poor thing.

What a mess! But it's happen so needs to be dealt with in a rational way. The girl's mother is not helping and I would seriously be questioning her motives for being so secretive. If this was my son my first thought would be is he the father? Why else would you be so secretive?

I wouldn't see anyone, get involved at all, pledge 'support' or stuff or money until it is born and there has been a DNA test. Then if he wants access you go from there. If not he pays up as and when he can for it, a very expensive mistake.

Hopefully she sees sense and has an abortion, but I doubt it.

Going to bow out of this thread because I really can't believe some of the comments here. If the girl had been posting in the Pregnancy threads - I doubt ANYONE would have suggested mediation re abortion and other options with the partner. Most would have suggested she should make up her own mind. She will have to live with the decision for the rest of her life.

I was bullied into an abortion when I was only just a little bit older than that poor girl, and it was because of people much like the above making my life a living nightmare that I felt i had no choice and no support to continue with the pregnancy. And guess what, it wasn't in my best interests and 13 years on I still have to deal with that grief, pain and crushing rejection.

The girl is now a young adult and above all she needs protection from outside influence. It doesn't matter what the boy or boy's mother thinks. It's a woman's choice and she is now a young woman.

To the OP, try and be as amicable with her family as you can. No more suggestions, just leave the door open for future conversations and discussion. Don't sign anything, get legal advice to know where he stands and if she continues with the pregnancy - if the paternity is in doubt ask for paternity test. Then when the babies here and if it's his, look at supporting the baby and mum as much as you wish. Good luck, it's not an easy situation x

Sorry, but all this 'support the mum' business, um, the girl and her mother don't want him involved at all! Fair enough. So have a paternity test and go from there.

I do hope she sees sense and has an abortion, though.

plinky - with the greatest of respect, the piintvof family mediation is not to bully anyone into a decision. It is to allow all of the interested parties a chance to have their say. Which they are quite entitled to. Then the final decision is up to the girlfriend. But it should be an informed decision after she has heard what support is bring offered by the father.

If she decides to go ahead with the pregnancy, then mediation can hopefully help set out perameters etc for contact etc. This is a situation where the girlfriend's mother has already allegedly assaulted the baby's father. It dies to seen likely that all parties are going to sit down rationally and discuss matters. Which they should -as it is the baby's best interests

And I have yet to see a thread on here from a woman facing an unexpected pregnancy where there hasn't been advice to consider all the options and even see an independent adviser for support.

I wouldn't sign anything.

How does your DS feel about his gf now? Are they still going out? How long have they been going out? How long have they been having sex?

Getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant when you are just a child yourself is a massive life changing event regardless of the end outcome. I would have thought councelling would be a really good idea. An independent trained councillor wouldnt 'bully' the girl into anything. They would be there to provide non judgemental and professional help.
Maybe the girl wouldn't be interested in councelling but if I were the OP I would try to encourage it.

Plinky I can't see a single post on this thread saying that it shouldn't be the girls choice about what she does?

TBF to the op she states " we've offered to help out with private abortion costs if required. "

She doesn't say that she has told the girl to get an abortion. Offering to pay, if required is not the same as putting pressure on the girl to terminate.

Thank God somebody finally said it. Some of you lot don't half like to over-react and twist people's words to ramp up the drama.

And another thing, you all keep referring to the girl as a child, or a minor. The OP has already pointed out that it is most likely she was 16 when she conceived whereas her DS was quite possibly only 14.

This thread would be going very differently indeed for the OP if her 14 year was a pregnant daughter with a 16 year old boyfriend. I doubt quite so many of you would be saying 'what's the point of going to the police?' then.

I wonder how much choice the girl's mother is allowing.

The miscarriage thing is a red herring and rather offensive to those of us (a pretty high proportion I'd imagine) who have experienced one. I can understand doubting her motivation however.

The woman sounds bloody awful. Poor kids - hers and the OP's.

MAHOOSIVE LIKE for every word of Don'tDrink&Facebook's post.

I would step back and wait, OP, I don't think you can do anything else. & don't sign any forms. I would seriously consider police if any more violence but try to avoid that step for now. You may have a long term unwanted relationship with these people, sorry, try to keep it civil if you possibly can, & even if they are being nutty.

It doesnt sound like they are together if her mother wants you to sign away any rights. Are your son and the girl on speaking terms?

I think you need to have a good think about the future, all of you, your son might not want the baby but theres a high chance hes going to be a father regardless. If its his child he has resposibilities, financial at least.

As for the police, I wouldnt go down that route personally, ahe might be the mother of your gc. The only interest the police had when I became pg at 16 by my 15 uwar old bf was that I wasnt forced.

Well it looks like the poor OP isn't coming back anyway after the awful reaction she got from some of the people on here. Not the most supportive and balanced of threads, is it?

DontDrinkAndFacebook I agree.

It's a shame that threads turn out like this. I'd have hidden the thread if I was the OP. Its fine when posters disagree with OPs but I didn't understand why some of them have to be so unpleasant and judgemental about it.

DontDrink, nope it sure wasn't!! And it's too bad. Young, unwed fathers and their families need support too!

an abortion is the best thing for a vulnerable 16 year old with a 15 year old bf so I don't know why the OP is being berated

This. The OP offered to pay if it was an option and it's not. So now both children are in a lifelong scenario they should not be in - oh and a third child shortly to be included. No need to attack the OP for suggesting the bleeding obvious.

Obviously the OP and son have no choices here over what happens - and I totally support that. But it does mean a 14 year old child has got himself into a position he cannot possibly control or opt out of. It's an awful situation and if I had to choose a teenage pregnancy for my son or my daughter I'd choose it for my daughter - at least she'd have choices.

OP I hope you and DS are doing ok. He is going to have to deal with this before he should. of course he made a stupid mistake but unfortunately he has to live with it before he's really ready.