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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

18yo daughter is pregnant

87 replies

Reeling14 · 29/08/2014 09:58

My 18yo daughter who lives at home with me is accidentally 9 weeks pregnant after only just leaving school and starting a very good apprenticeship with a swim school/health club. She just forgot her pill for a weekend. She also wants to have the baby and move her boyfriend into my house and whilst I tolerate him staying over every weekend and one weeknight I am not keen on living with him full-time. I find him really boring and he makes very little effort to relate to me. I have reacted badly to the news saying that she should terminate and decide to get pregnant when she has started earning money and has moved into her own home so that they can provide for a child. I know that I have caused her a lot of pain with my disappointment and anger but I have said that I would always support her and never kick her out. However I am struggling with the idea of him moving in. He has almost finished his apprenticeship and should earn fairly decent money soon. She wants to stay at home for the support I can give her as we are very close but insists that he has to move in too. I am sad and depressed at all of this and not handling it well. I feel as if I have only just got back a little freedom from mothering and really wanted a couple of years relaxed living with her before she went off to uni.

OP posts:

kilmuir · 29/08/2014 19:30

How can it be an unexpected pregnancy when contraception has not been taken?

grocklebox · 29/08/2014 19:41

"Some people have said [not word for word, but general gist], that they are adults now and must deal with this situation like adults, well, isn't that what they are trying to do?"

No. How is, hey, "lets both of us live with my ma and have a baby in her house whether she wants us to or not" acting remotely like an adult?
"lets find our own home and look after our own child" is dealing with it like adults.

Annarose2014 · 29/08/2014 19:49

3 years? 3 years??? 3 years of washing his Y fronts whilst he sits there in an awkward silence?

HELL NO.

Original poster

Reeling14 · 29/08/2014 20:01

Ok, so the conversation has just been held between the 3 of us. It went a lot better than expected. I agreed that it was not my choice whether or not they had the baby, I said that I was not prepared for the bf to move in but that he could stay half the week when the baby was born. I also asked that he speak to his family about them staying a couple of nights at his each week. He wants this too as he wants to get his estranged family more involved. However, he does understand that if they don't agree that he will have to spend time away from his baby and girlfriend. I managed to get all my points in and he was apologetic that I felt he had not always respected me in my home and that he hadn't meant to be disrespectful. I told him he had to act more like a grown up and make an effort to relate to me more. I'm sure there will be lots to iron out along the way but tbh he was a lot easier to deal with than my daughter! I made her read all of this discussion so that she could understand how it was not just me being unreasonable. Thank you everybody for your input, it has been so helpful and considered, it really means a lot to me. Now wish me luck I gave a rocky path ahead, but at least I can now start to focus on the positive, even if it's not what I would have chosen. Thank you!

OP posts:

Original poster

Reeling14 · 29/08/2014 20:03

They want to be out in 18 months if possible and are both 18.

OP posts:

KneeQuestion · 29/08/2014 20:05

Sounds like positive progress.

Good luck with it all

AgathaF · 29/08/2014 20:42

You'll find the solutions that are acceptable to all of you.

All I would add is that this is a new little family in the making. I personally, would want the dad to be involved full time, not as a part time dad from the beginning. For the sake of having this young man a little more, I think the long term benefits will pay off for you and for them

You will get to know him better, he will become less shy around you.

I think that I would let him move in around the time that the baby is born, with the understanding that they get themselves sorted with somewhere else to live within a specified amount of time.

Applefallingfromthetree2 · 29/08/2014 23:24

Good luck Reeling to you and to your family. Looks as though you are hopefully all on the path of turning the negatives into the positive. Some really good examples of people on here who have done just that so it can be done

Lally112 · 29/08/2014 23:36

I wouldn't let him move in, and I had my baby at 17. His father (who is now DH) luckily stepped up and sorted us out after some time in a scatter flat. Do you think he will support her? actually support her in a way that a young mother will need supporting and not just the words that leave his mouth? I may sound harsh but if she is going to be a parent then she needs to learn to stand on her own two feet without you being at her beck and call and her calling all the shots, support her yes but teach her to support herself too.

Greenrememberedhills · 30/08/2014 13:46

Good luck Reeling.

Abilly72 · 04/09/2014 17:12

Oh Dear -stupid irresponsible Adult behaviour [over 18right?]
How does one get 'accidentally pregnant'' other than by an immaculate conception.??
She 'just' forgot to take the pill..just forgot..come on how many more excuses for her.
She wants her b/f to move in.wow.....firm answer...NO way
Support her ? emotionally and as a mother fine.financially she must face up to that problemand the b/f who,presumably,will say he also 'forgot his condom.

victoria3984 · 07/09/2014 18:44

Hi,

I feel for you, hard decisions ahead.

Whilst 18 is technically an adult, she is no age at all and will need you. A trial move-in of boyfriend is difficult to find a reason that doesn't offend if you do not want to continue at end of trial.

his mum died of cancer when he was a young teenager and his family life has been really sad so he feels isolated and rejected by his dad's current family - boy, you have to be sensitive to this poor guy.
his lack of communication with me is in part due to his extreme shyness and inability to relate easily to people - so it will improve, but let's be honest 18 yo boys are not good communicators usually.
him not being around will mean that my daughter will have lots more to do and will be much more reliant on me - hmm, not sure about this one. You will be the go-to person no matter what (his mother is no longer alive and during the day he will be working)
will it split them up? the person you find attractive at 18 is not often the person you find attractive at 30 when your perspective shifts. Who knows? But they need the chance to be an autonomous couple. You know how it is, with mum around you don't make your own decisions.

I think they need to live in their own place together (you won't be offending him, there are a number of solid reasons without touching on not wanting him in your home). Also, if things do go wrong, your daughter has somewhere to go/escape to. You might offer to have them stay for a short while after the birth to help them with practicalities and then support by visits to them or visits by them.

I'm not sure that they would even have this baby if they didn't have my safety net, as they seem to be pushing me for a quick answer, but I don't want to be responsible for making them terminate, even though I think it is the more responsible thing to do
I feel as though I have been put into an impossible situation. - not really.

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