18yo daughter is pregnant

[Reeling14]

My 18yo daughter who lives at home with me is accidentally 9 weeks pregnant after only just leaving school and starting a very good apprenticeship with a swim school/health club. She just forgot her pill for a weekend. She also wants to have the baby and move her boyfriend into my house and whilst I tolerate him staying over every weekend and one weeknight I am not keen on living with him full-time. I find him really boring and he makes very little effort to relate to me. I have reacted badly to the news saying that she should terminate and decide to get pregnant when she has started earning money and has moved into her own home so that they can provide for a child. I know that I have caused her a lot of pain with my disappointment and anger but I have said that I would always support her and never kick her out. However I am struggling with the idea of him moving in. He has almost finished his apprenticeship and should earn fairly decent money soon. She wants to stay at home for the support I can give her as we are very close but insists that he has to move in too. I am sad and depressed at all of this and not handling it well. I feel as if I have only just got back a little freedom from mothering and really wanted a couple of years relaxed living with her before she went off to uni.

You have indeed been put in an impossible situation.
I wouldn't be suggesting my dd move in with a boyfriend - I'd be suggesting she either lives with me or lives on her own. It's hugely stressful having a baby and trying to maintain a relationship with someone who doesn't sound like he has much other support simultaneously would be my idea of a nightmare.
If she decides on her own to move in with him, fine, but personally I wouldn't push it.
Your daughter is probably quite right that it won't be as easy for her to have a baby without being able to live with you, but you're not saying she can't. You're saying her boyfriend can't move in. Which is because that would be silly. You're entirely within your rights.
You wouldn't be forcing her to have an abortion at all - if she decides to do that based on all the facts, that's up to her.

Reeling I'm not sure that they would even have this baby if they didn't have my safety net, as they seem to be pushing me for a quick answer

This paragraph is quite worrying. From how I read this, it would seem that life is going to carry on quite well for them, and you will change your life. They will be together with their baby in your home, and you will still be there for them. This isn't fair on you.

I am sorry that your dd's bf has had a tough time. But don't let them blackmail you because of the past issues.

Such a terrible situation to be in. You cannot make the decision for your dd as to whether to keep the baby or not, but you can be there for her as support. But you aren't there to do everything they demand to make lives easier for them.

All the best OP.

I agree that you shouldn't let her boyfriend move in. I agree with sitting down and talking through their options re renting and what support is available. I'd be furious as well. But it has to be dealt with. Hope things work out.

sit down with your DD and look at some costs:

Rent
Bills
Cot
Basic baby grows
Nappies
Food

for a month, and get her to see that this is a grown-up situation that she, and the BF have to manage. Have the BF round for the conversation as well. This isn't "I'm telling you what to do about the baby" but it is "Have you realised that this is what this will cost and you need to afford this?" and gives them information to make decisions on. can you also give her the details of the council's housing team, so she can get on a waiting list for her own property / see what is available in what areas?

I guess I come from a different culture but no way would I tell my daughter she and her (new family?) cannot stay in my house in these circumstances.
Don't you want her to continue with her education? How will she do this without any support from you?
Maybe it will give you an opportunity to get to know her boyfriend more, the poor guy has had a tough time.

They need to live together before the baby arrives to have a at least a small chance of normal life.

I was pregnant at 18 and had DD at 19 and everything has turned out fine for me, so don't worry too much that she's ruined her life or anything.

However, regarding the boyfriend, if she wants to live with him, it's up to her to find appropriate housing and to figure out how to fund it all. It is not your responsibility to house the boyfriend and you shouldn't feel obliged to in any way.

I think you need to stay calm and simply repeat that whilst you are willing to help support her and that you don't want to throw her out, you are not willing to house the boyfriend. Don't get into arguments. Just keep stating the facts. If she wants help to see if she qualifies for social housing with the boyfriend then offer to help. Be supportive. But don't feel you have to let him move in.

well, they sound both irresponsible and immature in that she forgot her pill but then they proceeded to have unprotected sex and she didn't take the morning-after pill, so how she thinks they're going to cope with a baby I don't know. But I would categorically make the point that whilst you will support her and help out where you can, you are not the baby's mother, and you cannot have your life turned upside down by their irresponsibility. And if she wants to be a proper family with her boyfriend, then they've got 7 months to sort out a home for themselves, but he is not moving into your home.

They don't need to live together with the mum, Time.

Plenty of people have a 'normal life' as single parents, too.

If he is nearly finished his apprenticeship it is time for him to support his family.

Tribpot the op's dd most likely didn't forget about the MAP she could well be anti abortion.

Three years ago I was in this same situation. Dd didn't ask if her bf could move in, I said I was quite happy for him to stay weekends and occasionally through the week but didn't want him here full time. Partly because I didn't know him all that well, and partly because of finances. She ended up moving in with his parents for a couple of months until they got their own place. Unfortunately their private rented house went tits up and he did eventually end up moving in here with us. But by that time my granddaughter was a few months old.

Before she had the baby, my dd insisted it was an accident (bollocks, but I didn't press the issue) but has since admitted it was a choice. She was over 18, it was her choice. I wasn't overly happy at first, because I was 17 when I had her and knew how hard it was, I wanted more for her. But, as I said, she was a legal adult and she made her own choice.

Before dgd was born, I got on okay with dd's bf. He was quiet and polite but we didn't have much of a connection. But when dgd was born, the three of us spent almost three days in the labour room together and my relationship with the bf changed. We really bonded over those difficult hours.

When he moved in with dd and dgd back to my house, we developed a proper relationship. So, whilst it was difficult and crowded, having 7 of us living in this house (I have three other kids), in retrospect it was actually a good experience. They managed to secure a HA tenancy a couple of miles away and after almost a year with me, moved to their own place. And they had a little boy.

So four years ago my dd was in college, now she's a mother of two with a lovely partner. I do support them. My dd has been ill for the last year so I've been helping babysit when she's had hospital appointments, and I've had my granddaughter overnight a fair few times. But to be fair, she's babysat her younger siblings when I've needed it. (I'm a lone parent).

Although early parenthood wasn't what I wanted for her, it's what she wanted. And it's worked out. It doesn't always but in her case it has. I didn't expect to become a grandmother in my 30s, but I adore my grandchildren and I'm closer to my dd than I ever have been before. And to her bf, who I count as one of my own now.

Good luck, it's a hard road but it may turn out to be a surprisingly enjoyable one.

She does not need her boyfriend to move in. She wants him to, which is different. If she wants to set up a marital home type arrangement, she needs to create her own.

There are two issues here and they aren't really entwined. One is the decision to keep the child or not, and the other is whether she chooses to stay at home or not, which you have agreed to.

She can choose to stay at home and keep the baby. You are not responsible for her choices, and in any case I don't think it is right or healthy for there to be any suggestion that you are responsible for her decision. You aren't. You've offered a home. There is a tiny hint of emotional blackmail in it.

I would house the bf. even less so since you are a single parent yourself.

I was living at home when I got pregnant and my dp lived 2 hours away from me, we didnt have the option of moving into my mothers but she supported us and got us settled into a new house. Honestly it was the best thing she could have done for us, I think still living at home with a baby and my dp would have caused massive stress to everyone involved.

I think you are right not to let BF move in. You don't want to be parenting 3 children. Maybe you can help them find out what they would be entitled to/have to manage on if they got a place together not far from you - IF they are adamant they have to live together. Alternatively, allow your daughter to stay living with you and perhaps as a compromise offer the boyfriend one night per week when he can stay over? (You say he does this now anyway). That one night would show your daughter and you a lot about how much of a hands-on dad he is prepared to be.
You aren't going to lose your daughter. She would have left home at some point soon anyway. If anything, having a child will make her want to see a lot more of you than most young adults see of their mothers!

his mum died of cancer when he was a young teenager and his family life has been really sad so he feels isolated and rejected by his dad's current family

That's really sad, but you can't fix all the problems in the world. He has a home to live in and he will be working soon, he can move out and flat with mates of DD if he wants to. He must be around 20, so not a young teenager. Even if he was, in the nicest possible way, he's not your responsibility.

I wonder if part of the reason for having this baby was to create a family of their own?

his lack of communication with me is in part due to his extreme shyness and inability to relate easily to people

Again - that's a shame, but it's not your responsibility. He's going to make YOU feel uncomfortable in YOUR home? He has other options.

him not being around will mean that my daughter will have lots more to do and will be much more reliant on me

Nope. She chose to get pregnant, if she chooses to keep this baby she can look after it like any single parent. YOU were not part of the decision making process when she decided to have a baby, you don't have to step in and do all the hard work for her. She has to make the choice - she terminates this pregnancy or she takes the responsibility for it.

will it split them up

If not living together will split them up then they aren't that solid are they? IF DD isn't happy with him once the baby comes it is going to be much harder for her to split from him if he is living there, but do you want that added pressure on her??

I'm not sure that they would even have this baby if they didn't have my safety net, as they seem to be pushing me for a quick answer, but I don't want to be responsible for making them terminate, even though I think it is the more responsible thing to do. I feel as though I have been put into an impossible situation

Look, THEY are choosing this situation. She didn't take her pill, he didn't use a condom, they didn't go and get the MAP. Were you consulted in any of that process?? NO.

You have not thrown DD out.
You have told her that her & the baby can live with you.

If they want to play happy families they need to move out.

It's not as if you are saying 'Have a termination or I am washing my hands of you' is it?? NO.

If they choose to have a termination simply because you wont let him live there, then frankly a termination is the best solution until they both grow up.

MIL allowed SILs boyfriend to move in when SIL became pregnant and it was a nightmare. The difference here was that SIL was 15 when her son was born and the BF was 17, so they would not have been able to get a house anyway. When SIL turned 16 she did get into a house for young mothers and their babies and eventually her own place. She is 23 now and although she is a lone parent (the less said about her dick ex-BF the better) and she has had to do everything the hard way; education, finding a job that works for her along with childcare, she is a fantastic mother and her son is a credit to her.

Good luck OP in whatever you decide. It is your decision though.

Definitely no to the moving in. He is already stopping over virtually half the week - that is enough. There is going to be enough change without that. Also I would be aware of the fact they might slowly up the number of nights.

Are you on benefits of any kind? If so, they could well be affected if he did move in. You do not want to be financially worse of because of this

:( I feel for your dd op. Try not to be too hard on her.

I had dd at 19. My mum was fine, but (now) DH's parents went bonkers. Said I was holding him back. We shouldn't live together etc etc. it was pretty hideous tbh and it took a number of years for our relationship to recover. We are happily married now with 2 little boys as well.

I would let him move in myself and support them as much as possible. But encourage them to move out and get their own flat and talk them through the logistics of that practically and financially. Make sure they realise that this is just temporary, but nicely. Because really - how will they have any sort of family life in your house? And put it to them that way. And if they say well - it will be more work to live on our own, it won't be because you wouldn't be clearing up after them if they lived with you would you?!

Good luck op, be kind to yourself and dd. She is probably emotional and needs love and kindness.

Well in our grandparents time this type of situation meant that the young couple lived with parents, his or hers, or stood on their own two feet with the young father taking responsibility. It was expected that they married. If this was not possible then the young woman would live at home with her parents who shared the responsibility with their daughter, usually with financial support from the father or his family. There were very few single mothers compared to today, no single mothers living in taxpayer funded accommodation with the state taking on the financial role of the father.

There were things wrong with this way of dealing with things but at least the taxpayer wasn't expected to support the situation. We have become a very selfish society IMO very concerned with rights and entitlement and less concerned with responsibility.

There are so many families on these threads desperate for some form of social housing who have been living in difficult circumstances for years for social housing to be offered in this situation. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but I do feel that this young couple must sort themselves out with the support of their families, as this is where responsibility lies, not with the benefit system or anyone else.

We don't live in our grandparents age. It's 2014 now.

I had my dd at 19 and was able to get a council house so I'd encourage your dd to be looking at the social housing list. These days it may well be her best chance of getting a home of her own. I was not with the father but I had tons of support from my mum which I couldn't have done without, and which enabled me to continue my studies and get a degree and Master's. Now I've been able to buy my house outright and am able to help my own mum out, so it could all come back to you in the longer term!

If it were my teenage daughter I would want her with me while the baby was young, until she found her feet. I would let the boyfriend move in, but if you do that it would of course mean a big change to your life. As someone said, you'll have three kids! But better this, I think, than your DD struggling in some grotty flat. But I'm in the minority here.

I was pregnant at 18 and had my DD at 19 whilst still at home (I came back from uni and had a year out then transferred to local uni). DP stayed at his parents' home. We saved up and after 3 months moved in together in a really crappy flat which was all we could afford. Needless to say, when DD was about 5 months, we split and my parents asked me to come home.

They did a lot for me - I went back to uni with their blessing and lived with them. I did a BA, an MA and then a PGCE with a view to starting a teaching job and moving out. I actually ended up staying there with DD, paying good board, until I met my now DH and married him when DD was 8.

I owe a lot to my parents as they went above and beyond to support me. I would never have expected my DP to move in as I already felt that having asked for their support for me - and, frankly, after disappointing them - that I'd already asked enough. I don't think DP would have wanted to live at my house anyway! His mum offered for us to live there, but there was no chance of me moving in.

The funniest moment was the night when I brought DD home from hospital and DM was not happy to let DP stay in my bedroom even though I'd a) just given birth by CS so no way was sex a possibility and b) it was a bit late by that point having already had his child. We respected her wishes and he stayed in another room though.

Now, DD has just turned 16, I have a DS now with DH and a lovely home. DD still has regular contact with her DF and his family. It's all turned out well, even though emotions ran high and it was chaos at the time.

Rainbow certainly it is 2014 and we have a huge welfare bill and national debt to show for it. Lots of young girls pregnant by young men who cannot or won't take on the role of father.

I do have sympathy for those in need and admiration for those like colourworks who deal with such a difficult decision so well. However responsibility needs to be taken by the young couple and their families. There is no suggestion that they are not young enough and fit enough to do so.