18yo daughter is pregnant

[Reeling14]

My 18yo daughter who lives at home with me is accidentally 9 weeks pregnant after only just leaving school and starting a very good apprenticeship with a swim school/health club. She just forgot her pill for a weekend. She also wants to have the baby and move her boyfriend into my house and whilst I tolerate him staying over every weekend and one weeknight I am not keen on living with him full-time. I find him really boring and he makes very little effort to relate to me. I have reacted badly to the news saying that she should terminate and decide to get pregnant when she has started earning money and has moved into her own home so that they can provide for a child. I know that I have caused her a lot of pain with my disappointment and anger but I have said that I would always support her and never kick her out. However I am struggling with the idea of him moving in. He has almost finished his apprenticeship and should earn fairly decent money soon. She wants to stay at home for the support I can give her as we are very close but insists that he has to move in too. I am sad and depressed at all of this and not handling it well. I feel as if I have only just got back a little freedom from mothering and really wanted a couple of years relaxed living with her before she went off to uni.

The other thing I learned from the experience is that it was down to me to put together a foundation to support DD. I know my parents helped me, but I was well on the way to being independent of them when I met DH. Now, I work FT and earn a good salary as I am determined that I will never need to rely on anyone again to support me and my DC. If anything happened to DH, I would be able to run the house and pay the bills by myself.

He's not shying away at all, far from it! They want to get married. They anticipate living with me for 3 years!! I just don't want the drudgery of his washing, cooking, cleaning etc. I think I am tending towards saying that he can stay over like he does now, a bit more if necessary, but that he doesn't move in and that his family also share some of the care and responsibility so that I don't feel as though I am shouldering it alone and really resent it.

I would be taking her to local housing assiciation and Working out her entitlement to benefits.
You need to let her see what she would be getting. If she is respinsible enough to hve a child she/ they must provide for the child. It is not your job to help/bankroll them.
You will just be enabling them if you give over your house.

It might make her rethink her decision. I, like you, would want her to terminate and live a little

She can't have it all ways. If she wants to be a grown u and play families then you need to set the ground rules now. Prehaps reality will set in and she may decide to terminate.

I would say no way to db moving in. And make it clear while you are happy to help and have her live with you, its her baby not yours.

Picking up on what murphys has already said, what does this mean, OP? I'm not sure that they would even have this baby if they didn't have my safety net, as they seem to be pushing me for a quick answer, but I don't want to be responsible for making them terminate

Are you saying that unless you agree to all of their demands they will terminate the pregnancy? Which is why you have to make a decision quickly given she is already 9 weeks along? Sorry, life doesn't work like that. They have made the decision to have a baby, they can't now make you hostage to that decision.

I just don't want the drudgery of his washing, cooking, cleaning etc.

Why would you be doing those things for another adult living in your house? Frankly it sounds as if you are letting them exploit your good nature. You are entitled to live your life. Not play nanny-housekeeper in your own bloody house for 3 years.

Their past history of cleaning up after themselves is also not great so I would have to lay down strict rules about looking after the house, being sociable and making an effort to improve relations.

Do you remember how messy babies are, sleepiness night, grumpy parents....

Then they get married. They want a live in nanny and maid for three years.

No. You need to say NO. And to allowing him to stay over anymore than he does, or he will gradually move in.

You have done your bit, you deserve some freedom. You did not do this.

I would make it very clear to her now that you are not bringing up this child. No skivvying after her, either. She is an adult.

I think I am tending towards saying that he can stay over like he does now, a bit more if necessary, but that he doesn't move in and that his family also share some of the care and responsibility so that I don't feel as though I am shouldering it alone and really resent it. That sounds totally reasonable.

encourage your dd to be looking at the social housing list

Unless the OP throws her out, she won't have a hope in hell as she already has somewhere to live.

I just don't want the drudgery of his washing, cooking, cleaning etc

Make him [like you would I assume with your 18 yr old daughter] pull his weight!

Given all the info you have provided, particularly his background, I would, in your position, consider letting him move in, but obviously, with clearly defined expectations of contributing to the household, both financially and by way of doing his bit in regard to housework etc.

I agree with those who say no no no to him moving in. However do let her know you will support her in having the baby. Do not pressure her into a termination she will never forgive you.

Agree that she needs your encouragement and love, but you can't raise this child for her. I know several young parents who've left their babies with their parents to raise pretty much, and it has never ended well - they have several babies, and don't take responsibility for them.

It is possible to get out and do well, but it takes a lot. OH and I are both at uni, I had a baby in April at 19. We live together, two hours away from family, and have been lucky enough that we won't have to take any time out of university. My parents' involvement extends to absolutely adoring her, showering her with treats and they babysat for us for the first time the other night so we could do a favour for the IL.

I would recommend strongly that you tell them both to stand on their own two feet - you will be there to support, if YOU want to, but not to raise the child for them. Maybe a crash course in what it's really like looking after a baby, too - I know it's all a bit fresh, but do you think they're expecting it to be easy?

You really do have my sympathy on this - I remember my mum's reaction when I told her I was pregnant. She had an absolute shit fit (understandably), although things are a billion times better now. It gets easier.

i was 18 when i had my dd1. dh (was dboyfriend then) was already practically living at my mums anyway so it wasn't ever really an issue. dd1 is now 11, starting grammar school next week, dh and i are still together and expecting dc5 next year. its not the end of the world having a baby young.

Sorry George but I cannot agree with your suggestion of leading this young couple down the benefit route. Now is the time for them to take responsibility, it is not for the state to take on the job of father and family when everyone is able bodied.

Kinky -what a reasonable and rational person you are, and a great role model.

OP you should definitely not take on any of his washing or extra cooking and cleaning. And Yes, it's a good idea to ask his family to help out financially and practically

Moomin I remember your thread. You wasinduced due to p.e? Hows your lo?

Yep ilove that was me! The 4-day-long induction followed by a 2 hr labour

She's amazing thanks, she'll be 5 months old on the 10th and she's just a little character in every way

I remembered you as ive just had ds3 after4day induction and 2 and half hours labour lol.
Hes 10days old

Aww congratulations!

Thanks
op you can have your thread back now

You need to sit them both down and lay down some rules.

He does not move in.
They clean up after themselves. She does her own washing, and babies.
They are responsible for the baby. It is for them to think about using a child minder or a nursery. That you are not giving up your life to look after their child while they do their own thing. You are not saying that you won't babysit, however, it wont be all the time.
How are they going to support themselves and a child? Again, not saying you won't buy the odd thing here and there, but they have a financial responsibility.
Of course you will be there. But it should not be expected. You should not have to give up your life to raise their child. Like others, they are going to have to make sacrifices and realise it's all down to them with minimal support from you.

If she is not prepared to live by your rules. Including paying rent. Then, they will have to look into going into private housing.

So basically they want to move in and play house in your house so YOU can look after them all? That's really what it comes down to right?

Hell to the NO. Like others have said you need to sit them down and get them to work out the finances and don't let yourself be blackmailed by them. You won't lose your daughter over this, she may be furious that you're not slotting in with their neat little plans (3 years!!!! living with you), but they're adults now and need to step up and sort this out themselves, not you.

Ive been thinking about this and just re-read some of the replies.

Some are a bit harsh IMO.

Some people have said [not word for word, but general gist], that they are adults now and must deal with this situation like adults, well, isn't that what they are trying to do?

I can totally understand the OPs feelings of dismay and her not wanting to be catapulted back to the way it is when you have a small baby in the house, I think it is normal to have these feelings. Your teen being part of an unplanned pregnancy is always going to be difficult to process, she also has the added pressure of having to make a decision. Not easy.

It, to me, sounds like they as a couple, are trying to plan a situation where they can both be responsible for the baby/situation that they have created. They want him to move in so he can support her through her pregnancy and so they can both parent the baby, I think that that is actually quite a mature approach.

They have a [possibly presumptuous!] plan of 3 years, but again, planning in that way is mature and sensible, they have the right idea, but are probably going about it in an immature way? stands to reason, they are 18.

Is the 3 year plan so they can save up, get themselves sorted career wise and then set up in their own home?

Most parents don't expect their offspring to leave home at 18, most are open to the idea of them staying at home until a time where they can afford to leave.

Obviously they must pull their weight in the household, the OP says they don't have a great track record of doing this, but show me an 18 year old that doesn't have a similar track record in their recent life history. That doesn't mean they can't change/improve. They must do so.

Yes, they have made things much harder for themselves in getting pregnant at this stage in their lives, that doesn't have to mean they have automatically forfeited any parental support. I don't agree with the idea of them being pushed out into the big wide world and made to 'get on with it', that sounds punative, which is how we deal with children, or criminals. They are neither, they just need support.

OP I have a son similar in age to your daughters boyfriend, he has a girlfriend and if they got pregnant, I think I would feel the same sense of disappointment and worry that you do, but I would also feel proud that he was trying to plan at being a parent and not running away from the situation.

They may not be going about it 100% in the right way, but they are trying.

knee - my replies have been quite harsh. Mainly because I think this pregnancy was far from 'unplanned'. I think the pair of them have it nicely planned out - and it all revolves around Reeling14 housing and looking after all 3 of them for three years.

They are 18 & 20 something, they had unprotected sex, they didn't get the MAP - what did they think was likely to happen??

She is 18, he is older, they aren't a couple of 15 year olds.

Reeling14 has got to the stage where she would like some of her life back, the boyfriend is already there more than half of the week and every weekend. They don't pull their weight when they are there as it is, can you imagine what it will be like with a baby too??

They have chosen this for their lives Reeling14 didn't. She wasn't consulted when this grand plan was being discussed... and now, to add insult to injury, the pair of them are blackmailing her into letting him move in or hinting they will have to terminate the pregnancy.

He has almost finished his apprenticeship and should earn fairly decent money soon

So why aren't they making plans to set up home instead of staying with Reeling14 for 3 years.

No - just NO.