violent angry teenager

[SusieQ64]

How do i cope with a teen girl 12 nearly 13 that liturally hates me! Cant even ask her a question without the threat of a full on war!
Im not sure how much more i can take and she seems to of turned into a bully i wouldnt take this from a stranger yet she is wiping the floor with me sneering at me, she wont clear up she wont even wash a glass! Help....!!

Are you a lone parent?

Narrow your eyes & see the stroppy 2.5yo toddler still inside her. Fall back on routine & don't engage in (detach from) her irrational or hyper-emotional responses. Just go for factual, A and B and C need to happen in this order every time. Do you best to not give her the power to upset you. Don't engage in discussion, just make it clear that the long established basics (like bringing her dirty clothes to the laundry basket every Saturday morning, whatever minimum standard you require) still need to happen. Do not discuss, just reiterate the basic facts (do your best not to make it sound like nagging).

Sorry, I know, easier said than done!! I fail at half this stuff myself most days.

Oh, and listen. If all she opens up about is the stupidest poster on Instagram, then listen to her babble & admire it anyway. It's her way of communicating.

I find taking DD's things i pay for away if she is overly rude.I kind of expect a bit of stamping moaning eye rolling ect but if she goes way over i take her phone and ipad. She crumbles without it and is instantly helpful and sorry ! Just pick your battles I was rowing with DD daily but now she knows phone goes if she goes to far(being abusive or incredibly rude) we only have the odd run in. When she asks for money i say yes if you do x y and z just things like hoovering her room washing dishes ect! Teenage girls can be very volatile and I have quite a temper so not a winning combination! Good luck

I agree with lljkk, try to keep calm and not get drawn into her dramas. It's hard, I know, I frequently fail on this front but we must keep trying! Is there anything you can do together that won't end in a fight? Cooking? Art? If she plays sports, do you go and watch? She might say she doesn't want you to but deep down she will be glad you're there as long as you keep in the background.

Can you write her a letter?

Dear DD
I love you very much. As a member of this household you have privileges which include:

• cell contract
• clothes
• food
• school supplies
• music lessons
• pocket money

etc.

With privileges come responsibilities. As a member of this household you are expected to:

• put your dirty laundry in the wash
• fold clean laundry on a Saturday
• do the dishes on Monday and Wednesday
• feed the dog twice a day

etc.

If you choose not to do any of these things I will do it myself or offer the chore to one of your siblings. Whoever does it will be paid for it out of your pocket money.

Love
Mum

Thanks for the advice here - I'm at the end of my tether with my 16 year old DD, and ended up getting drawn into one of her 'dramas' last night - she has never been helpful at all. SusieQ I empathise with you - truly, and I have tried the removal of priviledges perks and pocket money etc., offered incentives to do stuff etc. before - she must think it is worth it, or just whinges to DH she has no money, and he always gives into her (which adds fuel to the fire, because that means I am completely overruled). It's dragging me down, and I worry she is setting her 5 year old brother a very bad example to follow - right now he is a very helpful type. I will try Lasting Light's suggestion of the letter. Any further advice from anyone would be appreciated. Does anyone elses partner overrule them? We used to be so consistent with how we treated behaviour when she was younger, but lately DH is very soft and thinks I'm making unreasonable requests of her if I so much as request she takes her laundry down, or take her stuff back upstairs - she knows she can kick off and get away with it!

Lady and all the other mums, I feel for you. I am nearly at the end of the s*t as my DD is approaching 18. She can still be a complete b**h but nice sometimes. I wish I had done it all differently. I should not have raised to the bait, ignored most of it and kept a sense of humour. Must easier said than done! Please check out Michael J Bradley's website at www.docmikebradley.com/. He has some really good short videos giving advice on how to deal with teens.

He recommends doing what I never did i.e. be nice to the little buggers and get them on your side. I have ended up with a DD in care for a while and a DS who has railed against everything I tried to do. Check out the site. I wouldn't put a dog through what I have been through and would love it if you learned something from my experience. Don't do what I did and walk into fights you will never ever win. Be the adult. It will seem like forever but it isn't. Try a different approach. Don't do what I did and constantly try to exert control the way I tried. You have to try a different approach.

Good luck! It can still all go spectacularly pear shaped but you will have the satisfaction of knowing you tried a different approach.

Check this video out. This man knows a thing or two
www.docmikebradley.com/qa_docmike.html

Chose the video entitled 'Angry teens' by clicking on one of the pics at the end of the video at: www.docmikebradley.com/qa_docmike.html under Q&A videos on 20 teenagers issues with Dr Mike.