Post GCSE partying

[Claybury]

DS is planning to spend his summer partying, coming home at all hours (2,30am last night ) and sleeping in. We have tried and tried to get him to do something vaguely constructive - voluntary work, menial work, the Challenge ( he turned down his place ) - are we unreasonable to suggest he should do SOMETHING?
Partly because if he had to get up in the morning he wouldn't be able to party so much.
This week there has been one illegal rave and two other parties past midnight. DH and I aren't sleeping because we worry where he is and what he is going. ( knowing he has experimented with drugs so are fears are not unfounded. )
How to make a 16 yo do anything ? He doesn't need much money, so not much leverage there.
AIBU?

he's doing it because he can; free lodging, free food etc. Not suggesting you chuck him out or make him pay his full way, but time to stop the piss taking.

you confiscate the beepy-beepy toys and put a password on the router. You start reducing the concierge service. You certainly withdraw all funds.

if he wants to guzzle and smoke his mind to mush, he does it when he leaves home on his own money.

Are you having a family holiday with him?

Do you have family elsewhere who might have him for a fortnight (to get him away from his mates)?

Sport camps? (probably not from the sound of it) Gym membership?

Would he do a walk with friends or hill-climbing? (I don't know the Challenge - I'm Scottish)

Guitar/drum lessons?

A bit of me is quite liberal about partying when you're 16 - great to be young and free and all that, but I know I wouldn't like it if it were my DS. FWIW - my DS who is 15 will probably hang out at the park with his mates, practise skate-boarding and go to skateboard parks with his mates, spend hours in front of various screens and play his guitar and other instrument. Hopefully they'll climb a few hills

DD went youth-hostelling with a couple of mates last year aged 16 - to a Scottish island. Would something like that be possible?

What about trying to interest him in cooking? (you might need the patience of a saint....)

My dd is the same but, luckily for me, she means all her mates pile over to mine where I can control alcohol, idiocy and bed time (by which I mean I tell them all to shut up around 1.30 am!)

I don't think it's unreasonable to insist he does something but equally I don't think he is unreasonable to want some serious down time after the pressures of school. Maybe compromise? He can have a few weeks to chill then he has to get a few hours work to save for the stuff he'll need for college?

As for how to make it happen, I'm afraid I'm no help. I've resorted to bribery and only having difficult conversations by text so it can't descend into screaming/ignoring/generally being a teenager!

Maybe clutching at straws - does his room need redecorating? Could he make a project out of that?

Thanks for all the replies, all of which make total sense
However with some teenagers anything you suggest as a parent will be met with total derision - the same suggestion from a mate might be considered the best idea ever....
I don't want to be sleep deprived on account of a 16 year old's nocturnal habits - how do people cope ?

Special - your posts are always distinguishable in their direct tone - I stopped doing his laundry and he makes few demands on me ( he doesn't need lifts as we live in town ) - do you have teens btw?
Chocco - your ideas are the sort of thing I would suggest. Yes we are all going away for 2 weeks and he's ok with coming due to the location , we don't have suitable family for him to stay with, he does have a musical instrument and weekly lessons , and finally he mentioned youth hosteling to Spain but hasn't got round to organising it. I can understand the need to relax after exams ( he worked hard ) but I worry as they party so hard and there are drugs everywhere and I think they are still so young for this at 16. I also think this summer should be an opportunity to do something to enhance your cv , not just partying. I think in his case the draw of the peer group is massive.

I'd say for a week or two- let him have his fun, assuming he has worked hard to do his best in his exams. He does deserve that.

But as soon as the start of the next month comes- he needs to get off backside and do something.

DS was the same 2 years ago- he lounged around for weeks (his depression didn't help really) but DH drove him round one Saturday to drop off CVs and has worked since and enjoys making his own money and the independence it brings him.

My almost 16 year old DS is at a party right now. Just had a text to tell me that he is staying at a friend's house (I knew he would be staying out but asked him to confirm what friend). Also said they are getting a cab there so I feel reasonably resassured. I did have a moan this morning and told him he is pissing me off and he seems to have listened. He hates me being short with him. We've known about this party for weeks and were quite happy for him to go because the boy's parents will be there.

He did go to work with his dad yesterday but the actual formal job search is yet to be started. He doesn't actually need a lot of money day to day as he gets free bus travel (live in London) and him and his mates are happy to be at the skatepark.

I am trying not to worry and stress and I keep thinking back to my summer of freedom when I was that age. They will never have this time again and I think some fun and some work is the right balance. Sorry OP I haven't actually got a lot of advice because tbh we are making up as we go along too!

is 'direct' bad?

doesn't sound like you have much leverage. No, I don't have teens but I don't know anyone that does who would put with endless doing nothing coupled with drug/alcohol use.

Does he have a job at all? I'm asking, as what you say your DS is doing is what DS1 did during the summer after his GCSEs. He did have a part-time job, so always got up for that, and we didn't fund any of his social life. He really remembers that summer with great affection. We knew his friends at that time. They sometimes came back late and crashed here, or he crashed there. All in all, he had a great time.

DD is completely different and didn't do that and neither will DS2.

What I'm asking is, why are you so against him having a lovely summer? I wouldn't worry so much, but I definitely wouldn't fund it.

So tricky.

It's all very well for people to advise not putting up with things from teenagers but how you manage that without kicking them out of the home I don't know.

Two further thoughts.

If you could get his friends to come to yours sometimes you might have more influence.

It might be that your DS gets the desire for wild parties out of his system this summer, rather than when he leaves home aged 18 without the safety net of the parental home and a group of friends who look after him.

I might be wrong, but CVs/personal statements are not often as useful for getting into uni as you might think. DD was told (admittedly by a very specialist uni course) admissions officer that "we don't mind what you write on your personal statement." And the wife of a uni head of dept who receives applications maintains that his decision is based solely on grades and subjects taught and he doesn't even read personal statements.

Obviously you won't be telling your DS that.

Ilovejudgejudy- I'm not against him having a lovely summer. However his idea of a 'lovely' summer is a total absence of rules , sleeping until midday every day, and partying in a drug induced haze most nights. Once you know your child is willing to use drugs ( I'm talking ketamine, MDMA, cannabis ) you can't ever relax when they are out partying. The illegal squat parties they go to are totally uncontrolled, sadly a young boy (15) died at one my son went to last week, apparently from drugs but nobody really knows what happened.

Chocco - you re right, not 'putting up with something' is meaningless , we have no choice really !

We have agreed 11 pm curfew every night, with just one night a week much later. I don't think we are overly strict or controlling !

I really do sympathise. If he doesn't need much money or lifts, and doesn't care about your opinion of him, then you really don't have much leverage.

The only thing I can think of is writing a list of everything he relies on you for - presumably some money (or how does he buy drugs?), clothes and so on?

Or maybe think about something he'd really like, and dangle it as a carrot?

Then wait for him to be in a receptive mood and try to broker some sort of compromise, deciding which of his behaviours you most need to curb, and which issues are most important to you.

But I guess that, if you genuinely can't offer him a single thing that he wants more than partying hard until the small hours, and he's willing to just walk out of the door without a backward glance, then your hands are tied.

He's going to parties where a child just died, and you're wondering whether to stop him?

Bloody hell.

Are you funding him? Are you reporting every single illegal-druggie party to the police?

Yes, I have teens.

Sorry, re-read your OP and I see you say he doesn't need much money, but he must be paying for drugs if he's using them. How?

Wondering how to stop him KittiesInsane.

claybury has your DS talked about the death? Do you think the tragedy will make him more careful?

Is this a new group of friends he's going with? Could you hold a party and invite his old friends, who might lead him down a different path?

Do you think he's addicted? Or is there a chance that the novelty of his lifestyle will wear off soon?

In a Scotland it's a bit different, you don't leave after N5 (=GCSE), all schools go on for 2 more years.

Around my dd1s friends (she's 14, end of S2) there's one aim.

Sit your exams, then go to T In The Park.

Apart from that you work. If you're in my dd1's group of (traditional music) friends, you might try to wangle HebCeltFest in Stornoway too.

But no elder siblings of my dc have had a "whole summer" off.

Partly because they are in the same school so start the next level of classes before the holidays, and have coursework. Partly because they don't think they've "left school".

Pretty much everyone does some kind of job. Dd1 has babysitting lined up even this summer. Friends elder sibs/older pupils from school are working from Maccy D's to Lush to volunteering as a guide in a museum!

Cut off the cash and concierge. What will he do?

Chocco - it's not a 'new' group, he's at a large London school & has a wide circle of friends. I would never have a party at my house, I can't police teen behaviour, there's cannabis everywhere. My son tells me several of his friends grow it, hence it not costing much.

Kitties - I posted elsewhere about illegal raves /squat parties. There were almost 2000 at the one on Croydon last Saturday where sadly the boy died. It was in the news. Many will have lied to their parents about their whereabouts. These parties are uncontrolled and the riot police were there. No point in me telling the police there were drugs there, they would laugh at me ! My son knows the bottom line is we can't stop him going out, but he must be honest about his plans. ( last year he would lie about his whereabouts which I used to think was worse, now sadly we just worry more )
If you have teens who are not part of the rave/drug scene it must be v hard to understand. I know this because I have a similar age DD who does not behave like this. I really can't lock up a 16 year old boy forever and I have to maintain some dialogue with him.

His attitude to the boy who died was that he drank ketamine in beer which was a stupid thing to do.

Sorry for my unhelpful suggestions. You need someone whose child has been involved in this scene to post. It sounds like your DS has the typical teen mentality of "It'll never happen to me". Or that's the image he likes to project. Hopefully the recent death will make him think.

Also obvious, but are you friendly with the parents of any of his friends?

(We've never held a party for teens either!)

How much does his drug-taking cost him? If you reduced his pocket money would he get money from somewhere else?

Sorry - home-grown cannabis.

He needs a different circle of friends really....

I do feel for you FWIW. Hopefully this will be a short-lived phase.

One of the 'party' drugs wisely used round here is nitrous oxide - ie cannister of laughing gas administered via balloon. It's very cheap & easy to get hold of.
People think you can control behaviour via withholding money. It's not that simple. The kids can easily make cash with selling stuff like n2o canisters , & by means such as pooling taxi money and taking a bus instead. And if you have mates growing weed it's a cheap source.

And they'll probably enjoy finding a way round the 'challenge' you've set them....

What does your DD say about his drug use?

Chocco - he would say he uses drugs socially eg to help have a good time at a rave. He knows the dangers and has seen friends get into more regular use which he knows can be a problem. He studies hard and wants to succeed ( unlike such friends ) - and just doesn't see that it's a problem to indulge sometimes. He doesn't like alcohol. However, I'm not ok with with any drug use at all especially at age 16, and his argument comparing weed with alcohol is irrelevant - not a debate I wish to open here either.
He has had sessions with the school drug counsellor - so is reasonably informed. There's really not much we can do other than try to maintain a healthy relationship at home and keep some communication open.

I would be amazed if one mumsnetter could come here and honestly say they stopped their kids pocket money and their DC suddenly stopped smoking.

Punishments like removing phones are not appropriate either - I need to keep in touch with him.
It just seems where I live there is an extreme party culture in this age group, and it's a stressful environment to be a parent in if you have a teen who is part of that.

Keep talking to him. Let him know you don't like the behaviour but u love him anyway. Drugs are everywhere and just saying don't do it will have no effect whatsoever. Suggestions from parents will be blanked usually. Do you have any younger adult friends that could have a chat and make some suggestions to him about alternative fun things to do ? And try and get over to him that the partying needs to be balanced - which with the 11 o clock curfew it sounds like you are doing. He will be a challenge but usually work through this as a phase - particularly if he planning uni - I had 18 months of it. Now he is a model son !

Could you try a longer term incentive? Eg.He gets a job, saves his money, whatever he has managed to save you will match at a specific point? So Xmas/next summer/at 18

I was a similar teenager to your son, but mostly lied to my parents about what I was up to. If you have an honest dialogue with him that has to be better than that, however much you wish you didn't know what he was up to!

Perhaps if he is incentivised to hold down a job he will be less inclined to get totally wasted? Obviously you might not want to/be able to afford this though!

Does he know that his brain is still developing and more susceptible to damage from drugs than older adults? Increased chance of developing paranoid schizophrenia? And the rest? I expect he does and thinks it won't happen to him. Just a thought though.

Do you know (of) any 'straight edge' young people?

Why does he feel he can't have a good time without drugs? Is he shy? Does he enjoy the rebellious aspect of contraband? If you were to suddenly change tack and pretend you've thought about it even more and decided that he is managing with his current level of party-going and you're okay with it - would it lose its appeal? Or just stopped mentioning it all ?

I'm sorry if this is way off the mark. I'm sure you've considered all sorts of things. Hopefully he'll get tired of this scene and settle down when school starts again.

I really feel for you. My DC are 17 and 15 and my biggest worry isn't pregnancy or failing at school but getting into drink and drugs. Hopefully your DS' drive to do well academically will see off the lure of prolonged excesses. Plenty of very successful people have come through a wild phase.