Best lines from teens (lighthearted)

[3catsandcounting]

"You think you're funny, but you're not"!!
(Oh, but I am, I'm hilarious!)

"You are a technological retard" ( I am not at all, but this is because I am resistant to getting a smartphone and don't get on very well with touch-screens)
"Your legs are looking hench, Mum" (This was intended as a compliment, but I would have preferred 'buff' I think)
The one that made me seethe laugh the most recently was when I was babbling on about some car reg no. ( I was driving at the time) and why I found it amusing when a text message arrived, dd picked up my phone and said, " Oh look mum, you've got a text. It says NOBODY CARES"

My two regularly ask me about my childhood as if I were born in the nineteenth century...

'So, Mum, when you were growing up were there telephones?'

They also relentlessly quote a review of one of my books that stated I must have a 'sick and twisted mind' .

"You are a technological retard" ( I am not at all, but this is because I am resistant to getting a smartphone and don't get on very well with touch-screens)

If my teenager used 'retard' they would get handed their arse in a sling.

I agree with Pag over the use of 'retard'!

I know! Imagine talking to me using the language she and her friends use amongst themselves all the time!
I of course reprimanded her for this, as well as "Oh my God", and "Jesus Christ" as automatic openers for any repsonse to requests for chores to be completed, the use of the word 'gay' as a negative adjective, and so on and so on...

Retard is not the same as omg
And if my child is being a dick I tell them.

They can use twat or fuck and be admonished. Using retard is a whole barrel of unacceptable . I don't give a shit if their friends use it. Like nigger or paki or spaz.

Pagwatch- that is an impressive number of offensive words in a single post!

Perhaps i will get a badge or something?

That should have been 'a fucking badge' really

Me-have you eaten any fruit today
Dd - eh not eaten fruit but had fruit juice at lunchtime
Me - what kind?
Dd - orange Tango

A home made Christmas card drawn in pencil on lined paper ( by a 16 year old) with the cracking line
'Happy christmas sorry there's no present '

(I didn't know whether to laugh or cry )

It's okay, your ego is seven foot tall.

Step-son to DH re depth of a swimming pool

I once went into DD2's bedroom, I was feeling brave to find 8 wettish towels on her floor/bed/chair.

I texted her "why are there 8 towels in your bedroom?"

Her reply- "why are you in my room?"

[comfused]

I saw two teens arguing at the bus stop in front of the college yesterday. The boy told the girl that she must have "one of them split personalities" and she responded by yelling "No, I haven't, my personalities both think that you are a fucking prick!"

I giggled childishly.

DD before school yesterday "where's my phone?" I replied "in your hand". She looked really puzzled then asked "how did it get there?" I needed a laugh.

Me to ds (13)(I have a new car)...tell me how you do the cruise control again?
Ds...shall I just drive?

13 year old dd to her 11 year old sister: "Being an immature child... achievement unlocked!"

Ds (then 17) to me: "You're not a very mature adult are you?"

I put The Clash on the car stereo last week while taking DS & his friend to the cinema. Always trying to broaden his musical experience.

DS 'What is this noise? I can't understand a WORD they're saying. It's just noise.'

Isn't that the wrong way round?

I was just about to go for a rare evening out and popped into DDs room.

I ask her if she likes my new dress.

DD looks up from her laptop and says "I hate you" then looks back at laptop.

My lovely friend to her under confident daughter "Oh dd, you do look pretty!"
"Mum"
"Yes dd?"
"Do you wish you were pretty?"

Letter pushed under living room door at 10.30pm from 13 Yr old ds who had been apoplectic that I wouldn't let him have Grand Theft Auto V and was trying a new tack:
"...yes this game does have hookers and crime but the real world does too and I am mature enough to understand these things and avoid them in future life as I would in the game..."

Me: This room is a total mess
DS: Yes. Suck it up old lady.

Me: This room is a total mess.
DS: Tidying is not a good use of my time.

(Like he's the CEO of a FTSE 100 company or something)

'You treat this place like a bloody hotel'