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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD decided she doesn't want to go to a family wedding.

22 replies

Rennie23 · 04/06/2014 16:25

My DD is travelling at the moment and is loving it so much she wants to stay in NZ until she goes to Uni in September.
Trouble is she said 'yes' she'd go to her cousins wedding when we the invitations were sent. The wedding is in a few weeks time, so it's not giving much notice.
I think it's bad mannered to say 'no' at this stage but DH says as she's in NZ it would be silly to come back just for a wedding and have to spend the whole of the summer here when she obviously would prefer to be there. (she had planned to come back in a couple of weeks, but now wants to change her flights)
I really don't know what I should say to my DD. Do I say she should really go or not?

OP posts:

wannabestressfree · 04/06/2014 16:27

No but tell her she has to send her apologies and explain the situation as she is an adult.

longtallsally2 · 04/06/2014 16:27

I wouldn't. You have to be really close to someone to fly back from New Zealand for their wedding. There is time for them to cancel a place, or invite someone to fill it.

IDoAllMyOwnStunts · 04/06/2014 16:27

I wouldn't force her too, it does se a bit mad for her to fly over just for that. Get her to send them a card etc, and offer to pay for her meal so the hosts don't lose out.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2014 16:28

what she said ^

longtallsally2 · 04/06/2014 16:28

She could even offer to reimburse them for her place. I would be surprised if they accepted with still a few weeks to go but it could make sure that they are left with no hard feelings.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2014 16:28

they said

ajandjjmum · 04/06/2014 16:29

I think it's understandable for your DD not to want to come back - but I can see why you'd be embarrassed at a late change of plan. Could you speak to whoever the relative is, and say that DD has been offered a longer stay and is quite keen, how would they feel? When all's said and done, you can't force her to do anything - as I'm finding!

AmberLeaf · 04/06/2014 16:29

A wedding or New Zealand?

No contest for me. I do think that generally if you say you will do something, you should stick to it, but in this case, a wedding just doesn't compare to travelling.

If it were her sister and she was meant to be chief bridesmaid or something, my opinion would be different.

fusspot66 · 04/06/2014 16:30

Tell her to make her polite excuses as soon as possible, follow it up with a decent wedding gift, be sure to visit cousin to see the wedding pics. Send a telegram of congrats on the day. She's in NEW ZEALAND FFS! Unexpectedly detained? Noone will judge that. (Noone sensible, anyway)

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 04/06/2014 16:30

If she's old enough to be travelling she's old enough to make a decision to continue her travels and miss a wedding. There will be few other opportunities for her to spend so much time travelling like this seems a shame to cut it short for a one day event

Original poster

Rennie23 · 04/06/2014 16:31

Ok. Thanks very much for the advice.
Still think it is bad mannered but maybe I'm old fashioned.
Will ask her to contact the happy couple to explain.

OP posts:

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 04/06/2014 16:32

I think it would bad manners to accept a wedding invite and then book a weeks holiday to maguluf a few weeks before but this is really a different situation.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 04/06/2014 16:35

Another vote for New Zealand.

Mrsjayy · 04/06/2014 17:00

I think its quite rude too op she did say she would go but anyway as long as your dd contacts cousin herself and makes her apologies there is nowt else you can do I wouldnt get involved in the apologising for dd

PrimalLass · 04/06/2014 17:14

Crickey there is no contest. She is on the other side of the world. Just get her to email today, they probably won't even care.

AnyFucker · 04/06/2014 17:23

I don't think it is rude unless she simply neglects to turn up the the wedding with no explanation or contact at all

Certainly when I got married, there was no expectation from me that people put their actual life plans on hold simply to watch me say a few words, waer a nice frock, sign a book, have a fairly mediocre meal, get leered at by creepy Uncle Roger and dance to crappy wedding music

< not a great fan of weddings, even my own >

SconeRhymesWithGone · 04/06/2014 17:37

I agree with AF. It's just a wedding; it's not a command performance. And it's several weeks out.

Original poster

Rennie23 · 04/06/2014 18:23

Thanks. I can see NZ is a lot more appealing.
AnyFucker -of course if she'd said no in the first place that would have been absolutely fine. I suppose I see it as being rude, when someone says yes to something and then when a better offer comes along changing their mind.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 04/06/2014 18:31

NZ versus boring wedding

It's not even in the class of "better offer"

I would give my daughter my blessing in your situation. You are young and fancy free only once in your life. Don't make her feel bad...she has no reason to. Weddings are for stuffed shirts, not teenagers having to cut short the time of their lives.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 04/06/2014 18:48

My feelings on this are based on the time I spent traveling the world when I was young and fancy free. It was many many years ago, but still the best memories of my life. The family weddings I have attended, on the other hand . . .

BackforGood · 05/06/2014 00:09

Have to agree with everyone else - no contest really.
You say there's still weeks before the wedding, they can adjust numbers for the caterers or invite someone else.
As someone said ^ it's not like she accepted, then is 'dropping' the wedding for a Citybreak, or a last minute holiday or a party at her mates, she's having what is presumably going to be a once in a lifetime experience that she is enjoying so much she wants to extend - the bride and groom aren't going to begrudge her that.

EverythingCounts · 05/06/2014 00:33

I would normally share your view, OP, that you ought to stick to a commitment like this, and if it had been your DD saying she wanted to go to a music festival or a party instead I'd have taken a dim view. BUT it being a longer-lasting thing plus the fact that she's 12,000 miles away does change things, and it's not like she can pop back for the day and then resume her travels. If there are several weeks yet then they will be able to change numbers, or invite an extra person - right beforehand would be bad but not this. I would get her to email them asap and explain and then she can get on with her travels. It might be nice if she bought them a small wedding gift from NZ - would be more unusual too for them. But I really don't think it's wrong of her to withdraw at this stage for this reason.

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