I'm exhausted and worn down by DS - and he's only 12

[minxthemanx]

Sorry to off load, need a gentle shoulder. I'm feeling like a crap, inept parent at the moment, as every day is a huge battle with DS1, who is 12 and a half. Basics: he has always been very full on, v bright kid who needed loads of stimulation as a baby/toddler and never stopped talking/questioning/thinking. Generally a lovely child, sensitive and caring, but very very argumentative. He is always right, of course. Now hitting teens, and horrendous. Every day there is a new "I want" - beats headphones (£150), new phone, new guitar bigger and better than the one he has, new control for PS3 (he broke the 2 we had, by throwing them on the floor in temper.) We say NO to all of these demands. On a daily basis. Which then erupts into a tantrum, door kicking, sulking in room, spending hours on instagram.facebook and other works of the devil like those. He's had his phone confiscated many times, and PS3 games taken away.

I feel so drained tonight - it has all kicked off again because I said, for the umpteenth time, no I will not buy you a new PS3 controller. You broke it, you buy a new one. Argues: but I need my money for other things, (trendy t shirts, etc). Tantrum, stomping. It gets worse - having been told 'no' to the new guitar, he wrote a letter to my Mum, asking her to buy it for him!!!

Horrible behaviour, and I know you're all going to tell me it's normal. How the heck do you cope with it? We're trying to be firm and consistent, but very supportive in terms of running him around to his beloved cricket matches, training, meeting friends. Just finding it very hard to battle with him every day, and having no 'nice' time together at all. He is so vain, and stroppy, that I don't really want to spend too much time with him! DS2 is 7, and a dream, thank God. Any advice welcome.

I think that a child, who obviously isn't in a position to earn a wage, should have some money- it's very hard to function in society without any money. And they need clothes and club subs and so on. Their job is going to school, learning, growing up. They don't get paid for that, obviously, so parents have to provide a bit of money.

The OP's child is demanding stuff, and it's causing hassle. So to stop this, if he has a certain agreed amount of money every month that he can do whatever he likes with, it removes a point of conflict.

And I believer very strongly that everyone in a family should contribute to the smooth running of that family without expecting to get paid for it. Everyone has jobs because we like to eat, to live in a reasonably ordered house and we have animals we are responsible for. Nobody should expect to get paid for that. Above and beyond jobs, yes. Maybe the fence painting the OP mentioned if it was done properly.But not day to day things

I'm not getting why your compromise for not getting him something is to -well- get him something else?

That doesn't make sense to me and I'm 37 not 12.

I'm sensing you actually feel a bit guilty about not getting him the things he's asking for.

Teenage tantrums - fine, go to your own room and get on with it. Door kicking - not fine, if it's his bedroom door he's doing it with then Even the threat to remove might be enough?

ha balloon slayer v funny. All your, posts are good and, make sense; it does feel like we endlessly say no. Wearing in the extreme. But thanks for all your v messages and I'm going to try not to engage so much. An drink more.

I'm not sure that's what I would call 'normal'. My 12 and a half year old son understands that we are not in posession of a money tree, and cannot pluck notes from it every time he should want something.
He certainly doesn't have tantrums over not getting ray-bans or designer t-shirts, or break his stuff in temper and expect to have it promptly replaced...there-there-my-little-prince.

You've spoiled him. Sorry to be blunt...but that's the problem.
Stop doing it.

but we don't replace things! Or give him the things he asks for! As I've said, we endlessly say no, and take sanctions when he acts up; gadgets taken away, grounded etc. hopefully he'll come out the other side a nicer person.

I recently went to a talk by someone who does research in the area of the effect that screens have on children. He said that more than 4-5 hours a day leads to a marked decline in their ability to think creatively and critically. He also said that you must have at least an hour of no screens before sleep, otherwise it impacts on the quality of your sleep.

I agree with the posters who said that a child must be responsible for some household tasks simply because he is a member of the family, and get pocket money to spend for the same reason, not as payment for the tasks. However if he chooses not to do his tasks and someone else must do them, that person gets paid out of his pocket money.

Maybe you can ask your son to make a list of the things he wants and how much it costs, sorted in order of importance. Then sit down with him and plan how he could save up for it. Draw up a budget. Maybe offer to give him 1 pound for every 2 pounds he saves, or something like that, but only once he has saved up enough to buy whichever item he wants first. Suggest that he finds ways to earn extra money if just saving up his pocket money will take too long. My 11 year old needs to earn a lot of money and has been washing and vacuuming cars, cleaning my horse's tack, washing dirty marks off the walls, cleaning out and tidying kitchen cupboards etc. This is in addition to her normal chores which she doesn't get paid for.

That's why I think giving him control of some money might help. If you can stop the "saying no" cycle things might get better.

Then you can stop all the conversations being about "stuff" too.

How about, after a tantrum and confiscation of stuff, he has to earn whatever was consfiscated back?

So 'I want x'
Sorry no!
Huge tantrum!
Phone removed.
Now, to show us that you can treat us with respect, what do you intend to do - you have to earn your phone back .
If another tantrum ensues, remove PS2

And so on.

I feel your pain, it's exausting. But at the moment the consequence are a punishment with a time limit and require no real thought or remorse from him.

Get him to write down everything he wants.
Everything on a white board.

Whenever he says "I want..." Get him to write it up.

Then at the end of the week have a meeting.

Write up what you want. Politeness, a peaceful house, respect, good family relationships and a lovely home environment.

Ask him why he wants the 'things' has listed.
Ask him if he doesn't want what you've listed.

His priorities are skewed. Your job is to get him back on track.

Buy him a punch bag if he's got a temper. Tolerate no tantrum outbursts unless he's punching his bag. Video him if he kicks off anywhere 'unauthorised' play it back to him when he's calm.

Get some boundaries established. House rules need to be decided on and written up and signed.

Maybe his school is too pressurised. Maybe he needs to download and let off steam. No mention is made of going to the park for a game of footie, or what his dad is doi g to show him how to be a man.

NO Facebook - he's underage. Change the passwords.

Be compassionate, good humoured and persistant. Teens are like large toddlers, and need boundaries and rules. Giving in to him is doing him no favours at all for his future life. (His future partner will thank you for the spade work you do with him now).

Sorry good point, I haven't mentioned dh in all this; he and I are pretty consistent and singing from same hymn sheet. He comes in from work, straight out in garden playing football/cricket with the ds. Or snooker indoors. He is pretty good, for all his other faults, at spending time with then, v active. Ds 1 does a, lot, of sport, in all the school A teams and plays cricket for local u 15 & 16 teams, even tho he's 12. Able sportsman and gets loads of exercise. This coming week, he, has 3 cricket, matches. You would think he was too knackered to keep arguing the toss with, me! Thanks for all your posts.

Do you take him to his matches? If so, then that should be contingent on him keeping his side of the bargain and being reasonably polite and civilised.

Martorana that's a, valid point, and we, have considered it, but can, mean, the team, don't have enough players, and match canceled. Seems a bit unfair on coach and rest of team. Plus the sport and exercise is a good way for him to let off steam. Hey Ho, we'll survive!

Maybe he is tired. Teenagers need lots of sleep how many hours does he get each night ?

Frankly,under the circumstances, I would say (and actually have said in similar circumstances) tough.. If he knows the consequences, then it's his fault that the match is lost/cancelled not yours.

I don't think thre is a way of changing things without making tough choices.

Ok my ds is 12, will be 13 in October
He doesn't have Facebook.
He is allowed on line obviously but asks permission first and is supervised and not on his phone.
He has just shown interest in Hollister and Vans , I bought him a vans hooded jacket for Easter and a vans t shirt. My dh bought a Hollister t shirt on e bay three pounds and a salt rock t shirt reduced to five quid. HW has jeans from H and M from his sister. That's the total of his trendy stuff.

Unless my ds is seriously behind, I think you are allowing too much and it needs to be toned down and his priorities put back on track... ShoolWork, sport, manners, helping out, friends .

Can you enlist the coach's help? Have a meeting with the coach and ds. Explain that specific behaviours is not acceptable to you and that you will have to ban ds from the next match if he continues to behave in this manner. Let the coach explain to ds what the impact on the team will be. Then follow through on this... at least once. Ds must know that you're serious... if cricket is important to him this might be enough to bring about a change. It's a difficult situation, I would also lean towards taking him to matches regardless because he has a responsibility towards the team, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

And if he broke the controller he obviously doesn't care that much about stuff does he, he has a problem with his behaviour and getting his own way . Trouble is, now is a difficult age to address this if he has had his own way a lot previously.
A serious chat is in order about what sort of young person you want him to be and grow up as and the reason you are not allowing free rein.

Some days, I feel there are massive advantages in having a ds with aspergers. Mine is 12 and a half too, also in grammar. He never asks for anything at all. He has no interest in labels and I have to insist that he wear things that will not make him a laughing stock (eg if his 10 year old brother's jogging bottoms were accidentally in his drawer, he would put them on and wear them half way up his shins and not give a flying toss.) The worst we have with him is trying to get him to wash with reasonable frequency and being disorganised with his homework :)

My NT 10 year old however does understand that money doesn't grow on trees. He is interested in fashion and stuff and goes to clubs etc but thankfully he isn't yet giving me this kind of grief. In fact he worries that things might be too expensive. Maybe when he is 12 he will be like this but I will not worry at all about saying 'tough' to some of the more ridiculous excesses whilst ensuring that he has enough materially to not be socially excluded (we do this with 12 year old DS too, but the other way round, buying him stuff -within reason - that friends have even though he never asks for it).

There has to be a middle ground.... Ds wasn't bothered about a new phone but we gave him his sisters cast off.

My older dc were much more like this and I have been much stricter with ds for this very reason. The older two still tend to ask for and expect quite a lot.... It's definitely a behaviour issue rather than a wanting stuff issue.

minxthemanx
Hi. Just too say I sometimes feel the same. My ds is just 12, also a GS.
I often feel he doesn't appreciate all we do for him or spend on him - but I kind of think every generation of children have this feature,, it is not until we become parents that we realise how much hard work and sacrifice our own parents made.
(Exception being super rich families).
My children have always been bought up hearing me say "no" "I can't afford it" or "I need to save up".
So expecting me to buy things isn't a problem.

Facebook - you have to be 13 according to the rules of FB so why has your son got a FB page?
e.g. My son did buy his own iPad with savings and selling old lego. I thought it was a waste of money and we did have debates about it for several days but finally against parental advice we let him use his own money to buy one. But you have to be 13 to have an iTunes account. So any download to his ipad has to go through dad's iTunes account and as my son does not know the password this means myself or DH must approve.

Interesting your deadline for computer.phone is 8.30. In our house it is 8pm in order to leave time for reading before sleep.
Lengthy arguments about this as DS friends are on line later and laugh at him logging off at 8. DS wants to change the time to 8.30 (note he is usually asleep before 9pm.
We suggested a compromise, he must read for about 25 per day at an earlier time. We were amazed that my son did not want to do this so he has chosen himself to stick with the 8pm time.

Got to go.
But just a thought there is an excellent book How To Talk To Kids so Kids will Listen, or something like that xx

Sounds to me like he has had too much stuff and is allowed to much stuff. And he has become spoilt. I realise that it may not look like it to him or even you, especially as he mixes with people with even more money.

God it's a different world isn't it from when we were kids. I am really tired of reading stuff like this because what comes across is that parents seem to think it's their children's human right to have all this stuff, and be attached to a screen most of the time. It isn't.
He shouldn't be on Facebook, end of. and OP, you said he is always on Instagram and his phone, with all these girl followers and "I've no idea who these girls are, and I don't like it, but I suppose that's par for the course"
er...
You then go on to say that maybe you should be more lenient about the screen time..!

I can sympathise, honestly, and I do think the posher the school sometimes the worse the materialism and sense of entitlement is, but the last thing you should be doing is giving him MORE of what he wants.

I am starting to see signs of this in nearly 8 yr old ds, and I know it's going to be a struggle, but even now a conversation might go like this:
"Mum, can we get an I Pad? Everyone else has got one"
"Sure, you can get an I pad. When you get a job you can save up for one"

It ain't happening, and he knows it. He isn't getting a smart phone when he goes to secondary either. And yes, other kids will laugh at him. He will have to put up with it.

OP, you have been spoiling him, and letting him basically treat you like a chaufeur/cash cow. I don't honestly know what you do now, but I am sure someone with teens will come along and give you some more strategies.

Have some

I think in the non confrontational times you could discuss money matters / budgets/ consumerism/ advertising etc and just reach some consensus on what is within your budget and your values.

You can link his wants /needs into working hard/ saving/ getting a good job etc

I would also disengage in the difficult times( unless blood is being spilt) and I would have let him stay on the roof until he felt able to come down.

From his pov he is powerless and nagged at and I would try to empathise with that .

DS is a year older than your DS, though as he hated the all-boys' grammar school he attends the excellent mixed comp instead. He is also sporting - football in the winter and cricket in the summer, table tennis as well - and enjoys time on the PS3, Kindle and phone. He also needs ferrying to jazz band and music lessons each week. However, if I can't manage it for some reason - for example last night i was unavoidably out with DD - he will voluntarily walk or cycle several miles to get to where he needs to be.

He wears jeans from H&M, Animal hoodies, and polo shirts and shorts from Sports Direct. This has been his personal 'uniform' for several years and he shows no interest in brands. He gets pocket money (£2 per week into a 'vuirtual bank' totted up on a computer spreadsheet) but virtually never draws on it. He has jobs around the house that are 'his', e.g. mowing the lawn, and the only thing he has ever grumbled about is if his load of chores seems unfairly greater than his sister's.

He has no access to facebook, and must give me access to his phone, kindle and computer history if required (the only occasion I have looked at his texts was in a case of cyberbullying, but I know the names of people he is in contact with, and I know what websites etc he accesses). The wireless router is locked down in a variety of ways. All electronics are stored away from his room after evening bathtime.

We trust him with a lot - he is home alone for an hour before school and usually some time after school each day, for example, and he has more freedom to roam and more travel independence than many kids his age. However, any abuse of that trust gets very strictly dealt with - it's a quid pro quo.

OK, DS may turn into a monster in a year or two - but i suppose I read OP's post and I think 'no, that's not normal'. None of DS's social circle have those things, want those things, or behave in that way, and certainly didn't a year ago.

Agree with teacher.
Ds isn't even allowed on the Internet on his kindle or phone and has to ask to download any games onto kindle...and I get an e mail as its " my " kindle