I'm exhausted and worn down by DS - and he's only 12

[minxthemanx]

Sorry to off load, need a gentle shoulder. I'm feeling like a crap, inept parent at the moment, as every day is a huge battle with DS1, who is 12 and a half. Basics: he has always been very full on, v bright kid who needed loads of stimulation as a baby/toddler and never stopped talking/questioning/thinking. Generally a lovely child, sensitive and caring, but very very argumentative. He is always right, of course. Now hitting teens, and horrendous. Every day there is a new "I want" - beats headphones (£150), new phone, new guitar bigger and better than the one he has, new control for PS3 (he broke the 2 we had, by throwing them on the floor in temper.) We say NO to all of these demands. On a daily basis. Which then erupts into a tantrum, door kicking, sulking in room, spending hours on instagram.facebook and other works of the devil like those. He's had his phone confiscated many times, and PS3 games taken away.

I feel so drained tonight - it has all kicked off again because I said, for the umpteenth time, no I will not buy you a new PS3 controller. You broke it, you buy a new one. Argues: but I need my money for other things, (trendy t shirts, etc). Tantrum, stomping. It gets worse - having been told 'no' to the new guitar, he wrote a letter to my Mum, asking her to buy it for him!!!

Horrible behaviour, and I know you're all going to tell me it's normal. How the heck do you cope with it? We're trying to be firm and consistent, but very supportive in terms of running him around to his beloved cricket matches, training, meeting friends. Just finding it very hard to battle with him every day, and having no 'nice' time together at all. He is so vain, and stroppy, that I don't really want to spend too much time with him! DS2 is 7, and a dream, thank God. Any advice welcome.

[TeaMakesItAllPossible]

I have started responding to all requests that start with 'I want ...' with 'I want a unicorn that sneezes fivers.'

You have my sympathy. Some kids like 'stuff' more than others. I have one that values brands highly, the others don't. My only suggestion is to increase your time with him doing things that are fun so at least it feels fun some of the time .... and do things that require some concentration so he can't demand things. I've noticed I enjoy my 12 yo and 13 yo DSs company more if we go walking or climbing big hills, play tennis or hockey together, wrestle, dance, cook, do maths homework etc. Basically I've taken up things we can do together.

The other thing I do which seems to turn it into a more positive conversation is 'grant their wish' (see 'how to listen so children will talk etc') by responding to requests like that with the game .... If we won the lottery what would we buy. I get them things like beats in our fantasy word. I have my unicorn with fivers and feel much better.

[TeaMakesItAllPossible]

My boys about this age have access to FB, iPads, the internet, have kindles etc. and honestly I don't think it is a factor in our house .... one is very materialistic and quite entitled, the other has two years worth of money sitting around because he has no desires beyond the iPad he saved up for. It seems DS3 is going the same way as DS2 - can't even think of a list of birthday pressies. Whilst DS4 - who is only 4 - coverts belongings already. I find it odd how different they are.

[RhondaJean]

I heard someone say about an interesting way they dealt with constant demands

"I want/can I have a new phone/trainers/unicorn*/gold plate rolls Royce"

And you don't say no.

You say okay, how are you going to get the money together for that?

It takes away the constant no and flips over to make them think oh, it costs, how WILL I get it?

• unicorns should not be kept as pets, they are wild animals

[3littlefrogs]

I had one like that.

We used to find a picture of whatever it was he wanted and stick it on the fridge. He would have to think of ways to earn the money to get it.
He started his first business in Year 7, taught himself numerous useful skills, had several jobs/businesses, until now, in his 20s, he earns more than I do.

You need to channel that personality in a positive way.

[Takver]

OP, we were having a hideous time with 12 y/o dd. She's also v. bright, always been very full on, lots of AS traits according to EP at school, the whole package.

Not the same things, in that she isn't into 'stuff', but tantrums, door slamming (to the extent of broken door handles), fights over homework, chores, screen time etc etc. Getting anything to happen, even a shower, was painfully slow at best and could potentially turn into a hideous row.

I do wonder if your DS's demands aren't so much about stuff, as about control - certainly with dd it was a whole package of different things going on - problems in school, uncertainty about growing up, having grown out of lots of stuff she used to spend hours doing (makebelieve play) quite suddenly and being at a bit of a loss as to what to do instead.

There's a really good book 'Divas and Doorslammers' which was recommended on here, I found it really helpful. A few different suggestions - the '7:1' I think it is where you have to make sure to say 7 positive things to every negative.

About a month back DH& I started a tweaked version of a rewards/sanctions plan from the book and while I have no idea how long it will last the results have really been so miraculous I actually find it hard to believe. DD is not just checking planner, doing homework, taking showers without argument but also cooking once a week, washing up, all without fuss . . . I am actually quite dubious about writing this in case I am tempting fate that it won't last!

[minxthemanx]

Thanks ladies, interesting. I like the idea of saying ; how are you going to, pay for, it" rather than "no." I don't accept that, he is spoiled though; the point, of this, thread is, that, we DON'T give him the things he asks for, and endlessly say no. Facebook was allowed once, he started secondary school on.condition that I have access to it and can monitor. All the other lads, had fb and I felt it was important as he was trying to make new friends. Ditto mobile, condition was that I could see texts etc. other than that, I don't think we have spoiled him. I am going to put a, stop to instagram as he has no idea how, much internet usage it racks up. Hopefully the " I want" is an ugly phase, that, he'll grow out of, once he realises that he doesn't get these, things.

[Takver]

"Facebook - you have to be 13 according to the rules of FB so why has your son got a FB page? "

Tricky - we gave into facebook because in dd's school FB messaging seems to be the social contact of choice between friends - so if you have a child that struggles socially, making them yet more 'out of the loop' can seem like a really bad idea.

[Takver]

X post minx.

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

YY RhondaJean, that's it exactly.
When I get the "can I have an IPad" thing, well, I genuinely couldnt buy one even if I wanted to, so when I say "yes-you can save up for one when you get a job" is me holding up my hands and saying "I have no way of doing this for you-how are you going to plan to do it for yourself?"
The ball is batted right back to them straight away.
I do think it's a control thing, definitely.
It's like, you are the providers of all that is desirable, and maybe it's worse when your child thinks you are saying no just because you can, rather than because you can't afford it, or don't want to encourage label worship etc.

[Timetoask]

It is certainly a different world for kids these days! When I was 12 I was aware that my parents had to think carefully before spending (having 5 children and with my dad not a spring chicken anymore, didn't leave a big pot to play with). If I wanted to go to the cinema with friends, my parents would give me the money needed for the ticket and something to eat.
The idea that at 12 I need to have money to survive in this "world" was ridiculous.

I see friends of mine giving their 7 year olds £5 or even £10 for "feeding the pet" and I really think they are giving the kids a very wrong message. The kids should be feeding the pet because that is what their job at home, not in return for any money. I agree that kids need to learn the value of money and understand that you have to earn it, I gave my 7 year old £10 after he passed his grade 1 violin exam, he had to work for months to pass the test, that took work therefore I rewarded him with £10.

[rabbitrisen]

I have had a reread of your posts, and no perhaps he isnt spoilt. I think it was your use of gadgets taken away, and all the sport that you take him too which made me think that.

You say that he is very very vain. And that is a problem, together with the things that he sees others have.

As another poster may have sent, I think that he needs to see some of your finances to see that it just isnt possible.

As regards his vainness, either he is going to have to work for it, or perhaps learn to track down some bargains?

[Sigyn]

I don't have a kid of this age quite so no advice.

Just to say one thing. I went to a grammar school-one of the girl versions of one of the best grammars in the country.

And it was hard financially. My parents were poor as hell, basically. Students for part of my childhood, then on low wages. Totally understood all of that but it was just hard when other kids were off to their second homes in France for the half term and my parents were trying to work out whether we could afford the National Express to go see my granny in the country.

OTOH, I was aware of this, and I would never have dreamed of nagging my parents for stuff. They were open about money because they had no bloody choice . I got a job to pay for the stuff I wanted.

This is a suggestion from someone who is about a year behind you so feel free to ignore it. But one thing that was helpful for me was that we had a family identity that wasn't tied up in money. In our case we were dirty hippies. But I'm just thinking, time together which is specifically not about in any way the spending of money, might that work?

(watching thread with interest for general tips)

[LastingLight]

If a family simply cannot afford all the luxuries and that's why a child cannot have stuff then he must definitely know and understand this. However that doesn't mean that if the family can afford luxuries their children should have it all. Our job as parents is to prepare our children for adult life and in adult life you don't get something for nothing.