Does anyone want to talk to me about their 14 year old son? Is he anything like mine?

[Pollycazalet]

This weekend he:
Didn't leave the house despite the weather being glorious.
Didn't see friends but played Fifa online with them.
Fiddled with his phone for hours at a time watching youtube.
Mumbled about the cinema but didn't manage to organise it.

He's driving me mad. He does play football but the season has finished, he also has a job a couple of hours a week. Should I be relieved he's not drinking and smoking in the park?

Martorana - my DSSs, like all French DC, got themselves to and from school on foot morning noon and night as soon as they went to secondary school. They went away on residential holidays on their own to foreign countries from the age of ten and took Eurostar and international flights by themselves from the age of 12. They are very capable at being on their own outside the home. There is no correlation between parents giving their DC independence and DCs' own motivation to get themselves organised.

My DS is 15 and spends a lot of his time on the PC but I am not even remotely worried as long as he is happy, revising

martorana I think all social groups really benefit from an 'instigator'. So good on your DS. I suspect 14 and 15 are funny ages. They feel they've outgrown sleepovers, under 18 movies etc yet they're too young for parties, girlfriends, gigs etc.

It can be frustrating! I do get mine involved in household stuff, shopping, cooking and cleaning; that gives him a bit of motivation to come up with a plan with "the guys".

It is worse if they give up on organised sport or rather it gives up on them as lack of skill comes to the fore in secondary: I wish there were more opportunities for physical exercise for average kids. In our case I am grateful for scouts.

wiggly I am using the lack of daylight impacting on shortsightedness on days when the lure of the X box is too strong! I forced him to have his lunch outside one day at Easter - that's micromanaging isn't it?

My DH also points out to me that given I work mostly from home, DS actually spends a lot more time than me being sociable. And probably less time online!

I am currently shadowing my DSS2 being the instigator for groups of DC doing theatre visits before their bac de francais. This involves me looking for plays and dates on the internet, asking him which playwrights are on his list, badgering him to text his friends with suggested dates and, several nags and texts later, me purchasing and printing thé tickets. And then, as the date approaches, suggesting arrangements for getting there, having supper etc...

I certainly haven't been a helicopter parent! DS has been out and about alone since year 5 so it's certainly not a confidence issue. I tend to think wordfactory is right in that 14 is a tricky age. Having looked into it a bit since I posted the boys who do a lot tend to be involved in a lot of sport - playing competitively so lots of practice.

No helicoptering here. My son was happy roaming suburbia up until age 11 when there was a shift and only the super sociable kids were out and starting to be a bit loud, at which point he returned to the family hearth and X box.

Now the different social groups seem to have settled and are less antagonistic (or embarrassed!) and his group do sometimes manage to get themselves out for a kickabout and take trips on public transport to town and the cinema. He knows his way about on public transport and is confident enough. It is just a bit of an awkward age to find new activities if they have dropped out of organised sport.

YY to it being an awkward age. Friendship groups are shifting too.

Ooh, I feel good about DS1 now. He's 14 too. Loves YouTube, plays Fifa on Xbox with his mates.

Luckily he plays cricket and football too, so he was out all afternoon yesterday at a match. When I nag him to go out, he says its boring and he prefers being on his own!

And in credibly, someone's coming round to watch the match today

Oh goodness - we all seem to have the same DSs!
Mine will be 14 in July. He has two sporty sisters but he hasn't got that gift. But we have always insisted that he has at least one sporty hobby that he sticks to. To date, since aged 7, we have tried cricket, football, rugby, swimming, tennis, karate, golf and rowing, most of which he gave up because he wasn't world-championship level from the off (my husband says 'he wants to win but he isn't competitive' and that sums him up perfectly). But rowing he has stuck to, thankfully and has to cycle down there and back twice each weekend which gives me around 3 hours of peace each Saturday and Sunday.

Otherwise he spends the WHOLE day in the study on the PC unless I ban him. It drives me mad! Why can't he go and mope around on his ipad in his pit bedroom like other people's DSs? My DH is very active and sporty and told me that he was never ever at home as a teen, always out on his bike with friends, or playing tennis at the village club, or making things out of wood out in the garden.

There is just too much to do indoors these days for boys.

BUT he did organise a trip to the cinema after school with a boy two Fridays ago and also organised for him to come back to ours for a sleepover so things are looking up.

I have started another thread on the Teenagers thread to see if anyone can recommend a residential summer camp for DS and a friend to go to as the thought of another summer hol like last one will drive me to .

But, OP, it is exhausting, I agree, having to ensure they get their dose of Vit D and learn real, not virtual, social skills!!

Don't knock it! My DS16 is revising but is also trying to plan his latest "nights out"-with borrowed ID for the tricky venues and his ability to grow a substantial beard for the others! That also involves girls! He choses those based in how good they'll make him look on FB/snapchat etc!!

Wish my 14 yo was a bit more like yours. He had a sleepover with some friends in the garage (his room is too small to fit anyone else in there). They went out about 8pm on their bmxs. When they weren't home by about 11pm I sent him a text and tried phoning. No answer to either. Called again and texted an hour later threatening to call the police if he didn't come home now. Thought better of involving the police as I was sure they were all safe, just having too much fun to come home and phone probably on silent as usual.

4am I heard them roll in.

Mine is 15 and exactly the same. I read a few very similar posts to yours and to be honest it made me feel so much better. It definitely seems to be the age.

My son, however is involved in a sport and goes to his practices regularly, and also works, but if he is not in school, working or at his practice he will be at home, playing games or watching TV, no social life what so ever.

I am glad I found this thread.

DS1 is a fairly introverted character and always has been. He finds other people a bit riksome in large doses basically, although
He does have friends. Lately some rough and tumble has become too rough and I'm toying with going to the school.

But apart from one after school club he comes home from school alone every day and does not have friends round, apart from his oldest friend, and then only when me and his friend's mum initiate it.
He does come out with us as a family at the weekend when we make him, and enjoys it, but he never really wants to.

I am trying to work out what is normal and what is worrisome.

He would be on Minecraft all the time if I let him, and he jokingly reassures me that he is socialising, but these are not people he knows in RL. Today he actually said that he finds it easier to talk to people on Minecraft.

Sorry to hijack. Just needed to get that off my chest

DS2 is the opposite. At 11 he is off out with friends a lot.

Irksome, not riksome!

He is 13and a half.

Funny

What you say rings a bell. There is a group which is out and about a lot, but from what friends tell me, their boys are also as you say, coming back to home and hearth.