Does anyone want to talk to me about their 14 year old son? Is he anything like mine?

[Pollycazalet]

This weekend he:
Didn't leave the house despite the weather being glorious.
Didn't see friends but played Fifa online with them.
Fiddled with his phone for hours at a time watching youtube.
Mumbled about the cinema but didn't manage to organise it.

He's driving me mad. He does play football but the season has finished, he also has a job a couple of hours a week. Should I be relieved he's not drinking and smoking in the park?

[JonesRipley]

Funny

What you say rings a bell. There is a group which is out and about a lot, but from what friends tell me, their boys are also as you say, coming back to home and hearth.

[JonesRipley]

Irksome, not riksome!

He is 13and a half.

[JonesRipley]

I am glad I found this thread.


DS1 is a fairly introverted character and always has been. He finds other people a bit riksome in large doses basically, although
He does have friends. Lately some rough and tumble has become too rough and I'm toying with going to the school.

But apart from one after school club he comes home from school alone every day and does not have friends round, apart from his oldest friend, and then only when me and his friend's mum initiate it.
He does come out with us as a family at the weekend when we make him, and enjoys it, but he never really wants to.

I am trying to work out what is normal and what is worrisome.

He would be on Minecraft all the time if I let him, and he jokingly reassures me that he is socialising, but these are not people he knows in RL. Today he actually said that he finds it easier to talk to people on Minecraft.

Sorry to hijack. Just needed to get that off my chest

DS2 is the opposite. At 11 he is off out with friends a lot.

[liveoutloud]

My son, however is involved in a sport and goes to his practices regularly, and also works, but if he is not in school, working or at his practice he will be at home, playing games or watching TV, no social life what so ever.

[liveoutloud]

Mine is 15 and exactly the same. I read a few very similar posts to yours and to be honest it made me feel so much better. It definitely seems to be the age.

[ForeskinHyena]

Wish my 14 yo was a bit more like yours. He had a sleepover with some friends in the garage (his room is too small to fit anyone else in there). They went out about 8pm on their bmxs. When they weren't home by about 11pm I sent him a text and tried phoning. No answer to either. Called again and texted an hour later threatening to call the police if he didn't come home now. Thought better of involving the police as I was sure they were all safe, just having too much fun to come home and phone probably on silent as usual.

4am I heard them roll in.

[Nowitscleanugobshite]

Don't knock it! My DS16 is revising but is also trying to plan his latest "nights out"-with borrowed ID for the tricky venues and his ability to grow a substantial beard for the others! That also involves girls! He choses those based in how good they'll make him look on FB/snapchat etc!!

[peanutbutterandbanana]

Oh goodness - we all seem to have the same DSs!
Mine will be 14 in July. He has two sporty sisters but he hasn't got that gift. But we have always insisted that he has at least one sporty hobby that he sticks to. To date, since aged 7, we have tried cricket, football, rugby, swimming, tennis, karate, golf and rowing, most of which he gave up because he wasn't world-championship level from the off (my husband says 'he wants to win but he isn't competitive' and that sums him up perfectly). But rowing he has stuck to, thankfully and has to cycle down there and back twice each weekend which gives me around 3 hours of peace each Saturday and Sunday.

Otherwise he spends the WHOLE day in the study on the PC unless I ban him. It drives me mad! Why can't he go and mope around on his ipad in his pit bedroom like other people's DSs? My DH is very active and sporty and told me that he was never ever at home as a teen, always out on his bike with friends, or playing tennis at the village club, or making things out of wood out in the garden.

There is just too much to do indoors these days for boys.

BUT he did organise a trip to the cinema after school with a boy two Fridays ago and also organised for him to come back to ours for a sleepover so things are looking up.

I have started another thread on the Teenagers thread to see if anyone can recommend a residential summer camp for DS and a friend to go to as the thought of another summer hol like last one will drive me to .

But, OP, it is exhausting, I agree, having to ensure they get their dose of Vit D and learn real, not virtual, social skills!!

[Susiesue61]

Ooh, I feel good about DS1 now. He's 14 too. Loves YouTube, plays Fifa on Xbox with his mates.

Luckily he plays cricket and football too, so he was out all afternoon yesterday at a match. When I nag him to go out, he says its boring and he prefers being on his own!

And in credibly, someone's coming round to watch the match today

[chocoluvva]

YY to it being an awkward age. Friendship groups are shifting too.

[funnyossity]

No helicoptering here. My son was happy roaming suburbia up until age 11 when there was a shift and only the super sociable kids were out and starting to be a bit loud, at which point he returned to the family hearth and X box.

Now the different social groups seem to have settled and are less antagonistic (or embarrassed!) and his group do sometimes manage to get themselves out for a kickabout and take trips on public transport to town and the cinema. He knows his way about on public transport and is confident enough. It is just a bit of an awkward age to find new activities if they have dropped out of organised sport.

[Pollycazalet]

I certainly haven't been a helicopter parent! DS has been out and about alone since year 5 so it's certainly not a confidence issue. I tend to think wordfactory is right in that 14 is a tricky age. Having looked into it a bit since I posted the boys who do a lot tend to be involved in a lot of sport - playing competitively so lots of practice.

[Bonsoir]

I am currently shadowing my DSS2 being the instigator for groups of DC doing theatre visits before their bac de francais. This involves me looking for plays and dates on the internet, asking him which playwrights are on his list, badgering him to text his friends with suggested dates and, several nags and texts later, me purchasing and printing thé tickets. And then, as the date approaches, suggesting arrangements for getting there, having supper etc...

[TheWordFactory]

My DH also points out to me that given I work mostly from home, DS actually spends a lot more time than me being sociable. And probably less time online!

[funnyossity]

It can be frustrating! I do get mine involved in household stuff, shopping, cooking and cleaning; that gives him a bit of motivation to come up with a plan with "the guys".

It is worse if they give up on organised sport or rather it gives up on them as lack of skill comes to the fore in secondary: I wish there were more opportunities for physical exercise for average kids. In our case I am grateful for scouts.

wiggly I am using the lack of daylight impacting on shortsightedness on days when the lure of the X box is too strong! I forced him to have his lunch outside one day at Easter - that's micromanaging isn't it?

[TheWordFactory]

martorana I think all social groups really benefit from an 'instigator'. So good on your DS. I suspect 14 and 15 are funny ages. They feel they've outgrown sleepovers, under 18 movies etc yet they're too young for parties, girlfriends, gigs etc.

[SacreBlue]

My DS is 15 and spends a lot of his time on the PC but I am not even remotely worried as long as he is happy, revising

[Bonsoir]

Martorana - my DSSs, like all French DC, got themselves to and from school on foot morning noon and night as soon as they went to secondary school. They went away on residential holidays on their own to foreign countries from the age of ten and took Eurostar and international flights by themselves from the age of 12. They are very capable at being on their own outside the home. There is no correlation between parents giving their DC independence and DCs' own motivation to get themselves organised.

[wigglybeezer]

Iihavejust read an article about how too much screen time and not enough time outdoors makes children shortsighted, I am planning to attempt to frighten mine with that. As I am specify my argument may not work.

[Sparklingbrook]

Ds1 is 14 and is exactly as you describe OP. footy training and matches and a paper round and that's about as far as going outside is concerned.

He has loads of mates that he games online and Skypes with. His school is 12 miles away and his friends are dotted about and v rural, so that's how they are sociable.

he is happy.

[EduardoBarcelona]

gah

your sons sound crap!
i have a 15 yo and a 13 yo and rarely see them unless revising for exams

Out with girlfriend or skating with mates, or playing sport both days each weekend

TURN OFF THE PC

[Martorana]

I was just wondering! I am constantly amazed at the proscribed and managed lives some children seem to have and I do wonder how it impacts on them later in life.

Interestingly, my own ds has a very active social life, but thinking about it, it's always him that organises it. He was, however, practically brought up by an adored big sister ( "I know you're really his mum but when you don't do it right I have to step in" was one memorable quote) so maybe his friendship group is benefitting from her training and all the others would never leave their bedrooms if it wasn't for his constant chivvying.......

[TheWordFactory]

Nah martorana I don't think its got anything to do with that. These boys aren't remotely scared of the world, they just can't or won't get themselves organised to pick up their phones and make arrangements to meet their freinds. DS says all his mates are similar. They just never get around to sorting stuff out.

[mummytime]

My DS was allowed out, and did a lot of activities when younger, and has babysat from 14 (certainly allowed home alone). He doesn't mind being home alone.
He is actually coming out of his shell a little bit, but still doesn't go out much. At one point if we needed to go into town to buy him something eg. shoes, we would have to take the route where he was least likely to be seen.
My DD is worrying me a bit as she is going the same way a bit. However she is forced to keep some interests going, and will still go shopping with her friends.
Both of them prefer going on country walks to visiting new towns.
With my DS I worry he was mildly depressed.

However as a teen I had friends (well outside of school) and activities. However I did spend a lot of time reading. I was perfectly sociable when I went to University.

[mummytime]

Matorana - sorry but thats not true! My kids were all allowed out quite a lot when young. I just think its a natural stage some teens go through of not wanting to go out much. Mine will when forced/persuaded. DD will happily go shopping in town with friends, but doesn't like going to a strange town. DS would only go into town at one point if forced, and we had to choose the route where he was least likely to be seen on the way there and back.
Both seem to prefer country walks to going to strange towns.

But I spent a lot of my teens reading.
I was a perfectly normal social person once I went to University. So I just hope age over comes it.

I think making them do things and go out for things helps. Not letting them drop activities where they do go out is good too.