Does anyone want to talk to me about their 14 year old son? Is he anything like mine?

[Pollycazalet]

This weekend he:
Didn't leave the house despite the weather being glorious.
Didn't see friends but played Fifa online with them.
Fiddled with his phone for hours at a time watching youtube.
Mumbled about the cinema but didn't manage to organise it.

He's driving me mad. He does play football but the season has finished, he also has a job a couple of hours a week. Should I be relieved he's not drinking and smoking in the park?

[chocoluvva]

My 15YO goes to the local sports centre, to a skate-park, the park or just hangs out with friends at the weekend. Last summer their organisational skills were mind-blowingly hopeless but they've definitely improved recently - still not great though.

DD at 14 would always wait to be asked to meet up with friends - as many of her friends took the same approach (fear of being turned down/too full-on or something) weeks would go by without much happening.

TBH my instinct is that your DS' level of activity/social interaction isn't healthy - not that I'm an expert - but then it's knowing how much to interfere at this age isn't it? And, the social lives of many teenagers seem to blossom when they're in sixth form so this is hopefully just a 'phase' he's going through while he catches up with himself.

I'd try to take an interest in his interests/opinions to encourage communication with him as much as possible. He might respond well to a gentle nudge from you now and then. or he might think every suggestion you make is stupid, what with you knowing nothing about anything

[TheWordFactory]

Same here pLoppy DS will cheerfully join in anything we suggest from the theatre to walking the dog. He just won't come up with anything and actually organise it himself! Left to his own devices he will play PS and kick around a footie in the garden. That's it!

[Ploppy16]

Thing is would we have been any different if we had the technology available when we were teens? I'm a bit of a tech geek and have FB etc and spend a bit of time chatting to friends on there, if I had it at 14 and all of the gaming choices my DC's do I would have probably been very similar. As it happens there was bugger all else to do apart from going out to see friends and hang around the park.
When our lot grow up they'll probably be asking other parents of teens if their children do XYand Z instead of what they did at the same age

[annielostit]

Mine doesn't get dressed unless I tell him (15) they appear so lazy these days. He is surgically attached to his ps3/4 and only comes out of his room at meal times. At least he's not getting into bother.

[Martorana]

Not normal in my ds's circle, no.

[Bonsoir]

I'm not sure boys' organisational skills ever really catch up with those of girls, tbh.

[yourlittlesecret]

Mine are 18 and 16 and that pretty much sums up DS2 from the age of 14.
I suggested Dof E but it was a no.
He would argue that he is socialising on line and things are different now. I guess it's a fair point. If I had t'internet I think I would have spent more time at home instead of out up to no good at the park.
To be fair it seems the norm for all the teen boys I know, apart from the ones who are micro managed by helicopter mums.

[Bonsoir]

The no-organisational-skills stage made me realise what a brilliant idea 13-18 boarding school is for boys.

[Catsmamma]

I find saying things like:

if you have no plans you can mow the lawn

I am glad you are not busy you can help strip the beds

I'll dust you hoover....

focuses their minds into getting themselves out of the house :D

[BreakingDad77]

Playing games online with friends is pretty much the same as seeing them.

[Pollycazalet]

Ok so most of you saying it's pretty normal and things might improve as he gets older.

Chocoluvva I have made loads of suggestions but he's not one for just doing an activity because he's interested - he generally wants a friend to be involved which limits things if you look at this thread as imagine all those other 14 year olds who are sitting around the house!

[Claybury]

As soon as my DS was old enough to go out without parents ( around 13) that was it, he went out whenever possible. I was glad as the years prior had been all about the Xbox. He rarely does the online gaming stuff now. However I have no idea what he does when he's out, most often smoking weed in the park probably.
You can't win as a parent. If they are at home you want them out, if they are out you worry. They can't win either. You'll either be telling them to go out more or you are policing curfews. I doubt anyone on here thinks the balance is perfect !!

[Bonsoir]

My DSSs always used to ask to go on holiday "with a mate" but they wanted us to find the mate

[yourlittlesecret]

all those other 14 year olds who are sitting around the house That is always the answer when I ask DS what his friends are up to. The same as me.
To be fair we are very rural and his friends live in villages miles away, skype and online gaming probably means he has more social contact than he would otherwise.

On the subject of organisational skills. I am wise now, but when I first had teens and they said "can I go to x with my friends?" I would worry, give it careful thought and then , usually agree. Now I know that unless girls are involved in the planning it will never happen.

[MrsDmitriTippensKrushnic]

DS2 would be out more if they could stick to plans. He'll tell me that a group of them are off out to do whatever and then it always falls through.

[littlegreenlight1]

my ds 14 can spend a whole day in his room playing guitar and skyping mates.
he does go out too so I hope that balances things out and he's more than happy to come to family barbecues etc
sounds fairly normal!

[Travelledtheworld]

Tell me about it ! I could weep with frustration when I see my tall, handsome, spotty, intelligent and articulate 14 yo son spending the entire weekend on the sofa, in his pyjamas playing computer games. I really do feel he is wasting his life.

No friends or socialising outside school. No hobbies or interests. No desire to join in any clubs or societies or participate in team activities. He is at a good school which expects the boys to participate in extra curricular activities. He won't. His saving grace is that he is clever and well behaved, and consistently in the top of his year group at a selective grammar school.

Last year we went sailing in the Caribbean. When he wasn't actually involved in hauling the sails up and down he spent most of the holiday on his bunk watching Minecraft videos on his iPod.

However, this weekend he did also admit to being bored. Tonight he came home from school and went for a run. I just wonder if he might be turning a corner....

[Martorana]

I do wonder how many of these boys who won't go out were not allowed to when they were younger. You can't go from not being allowed to walk to the shop or be alone at home for half an hour or go to the cinema with your friends at 11 to a full and active independent social life at 13..........if you don't know how the world works it's a big and scary place. Particularly if you've been told all your life it's a big and scary place.

[mummytime]

Matorana - sorry but thats not true! My kids were all allowed out quite a lot when young. I just think its a natural stage some teens go through of not wanting to go out much. Mine will when forced/persuaded. DD will happily go shopping in town with friends, but doesn't like going to a strange town. DS would only go into town at one point if forced, and we had to choose the route where he was least likely to be seen on the way there and back.
Both seem to prefer country walks to going to strange towns.

But I spent a lot of my teens reading.
I was a perfectly normal social person once I went to University. So I just hope age over comes it.

I think making them do things and go out for things helps. Not letting them drop activities where they do go out is good too.

[mummytime]

My DS was allowed out, and did a lot of activities when younger, and has babysat from 14 (certainly allowed home alone). He doesn't mind being home alone.
He is actually coming out of his shell a little bit, but still doesn't go out much. At one point if we needed to go into town to buy him something eg. shoes, we would have to take the route where he was least likely to be seen.
My DD is worrying me a bit as she is going the same way a bit. However she is forced to keep some interests going, and will still go shopping with her friends.
Both of them prefer going on country walks to visiting new towns.
With my DS I worry he was mildly depressed.

However as a teen I had friends (well outside of school) and activities. However I did spend a lot of time reading. I was perfectly sociable when I went to University.

[TheWordFactory]

Nah martorana I don't think its got anything to do with that. These boys aren't remotely scared of the world, they just can't or won't get themselves organised to pick up their phones and make arrangements to meet their freinds. DS says all his mates are similar. They just never get around to sorting stuff out.

[Martorana]

I was just wondering! I am constantly amazed at the proscribed and managed lives some children seem to have and I do wonder how it impacts on them later in life.

Interestingly, my own ds has a very active social life, but thinking about it, it's always him that organises it. He was, however, practically brought up by an adored big sister ( "I know you're really his mum but when you don't do it right I have to step in" was one memorable quote) so maybe his friendship group is benefitting from her training and all the others would never leave their bedrooms if it wasn't for his constant chivvying.......

[EduardoBarcelona]

gah

your sons sound crap!
i have a 15 yo and a 13 yo and rarely see them unless revising for exams

Out with girlfriend or skating with mates, or playing sport both days each weekend

TURN OFF THE PC

[Sparklingbrook]

Ds1 is 14 and is exactly as you describe OP. footy training and matches and a paper round and that's about as far as going outside is concerned.

He has loads of mates that he games online and Skypes with. His school is 12 miles away and his friends are dotted about and v rural, so that's how they are sociable.

he is happy.

[wigglybeezer]

Iihavejust read an article about how too much screen time and not enough time outdoors makes children shortsighted, I am planning to attempt to frighten mine with that. As I am specify my argument may not work.