Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

Original poster

Could he be gay?

24 replies

sami1985 · 14/03/2014 21:38

My son didn't have a best friend until recently. Now every weekend or school holiday he keeps saying he can't wait to go back to school to see his friend, tells me nearly every day how much he likes him and how he's his best friend. If he was a young child I wouldn't be worried, but he's 13. Should I be worried?

OP posts:

invicta · 14/03/2014 21:40

I think boys go around in groups, and don't always have best friends. My year 9 hasn't really had a best friend until recently. He maybe gay, or enjoying having a best friend.

RiaOverTheRainbow · 14/03/2014 21:42

Definitely be worried. Gay is, after all, synonymous with serial killer

Bursarymum · 14/03/2014 21:43

Why would you be worried if he was gay? The important thing is he's happy. Let him figure out who he is in his own time.

Original poster

sami1985 · 14/03/2014 21:46

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not homophobic at all! I would just worry because I know the kind of crap he'd have to face, and he already gets bullied. I'm probably over reacting anyway, but I don't really get how boys work, he's my only child and I brought him up on my own...

OP posts:

Roseformeplease · 14/03/2014 21:51

My son is gay and 13. Oddly, he feels uncomfortable with his best friend sometimes but gets on very well with the girls. He is only "out" amongst immediate family and two female friends at school. He can't tell his friend because he is worried the friend might find it hard to cope with at the moment.

Being gay and 13 and out to his family has been a wonderfully liberating thing for him, and for us. He has chosen to keep it quiet at school at the moment - small rural school - and he is not ready yet.

Just go with the flow. He will know when he is ready and will tell you when he wants to.

Original poster

sami1985 · 14/03/2014 21:57

I'm glad to hear your son is comfortable enough with himself to be able to talk about it with his family. I hope that my son would do the same if he felt that way. I just wory that he might try and hide it as we are Christians and attend church regularly, and he knows the churches view on these things.

OP posts:

RiaOverTheRainbow · 14/03/2014 22:11

If your church is homophobic and you aren't it may be time to find a new church.

Roseformeplease · 14/03/2014 22:17

I am afraid I can't imagine being a alert of any organisation that discriminates for any reason. I imagine, if he is gay, you being part of something like that will make coming out very hard for him.

If you belong to an organisation, you are, by definition, endorsing its views.

drspouse · 14/03/2014 22:28

Plenty of churches are very happy affirming straight and gay sexuality. Just ask our vicar .

Original poster

sami1985 · 14/03/2014 22:31

You misunderstand me, my church isn't homophobic, its just a regular Anglican church. Its the view of the church in general, not specifically my church, that Christians should not engage in relationships with same sex, because of what is written in the bible.

I'm not saying this is necessarily my view. I love going to church, and so does my son, we both believe in a loving and gracious God. I'm just saying that it might make it hard for him. But if I'm wrong and he's not gay anyway I guess it doesn't matter.

Meh, I'm not sure I'm doing a good job of explaining what I mean. Don't worry!

OP posts:

afussyphase · 14/03/2014 23:37

Even if he's not gay it still matters. It matters because he might have friends who are gay, he might find himself saying things that are hurtful to colleagues, and ultimately, he is going to be voting one day and participating in society, helping to make and continue policies and attitudes that affect everyone. And he's being brought up, even if you don't rant about sexuality issues at home, to believe what the Church does. That includes a fair amount of negativity towards gay people. So if you have even the slightest inkling that he might be gay (and if you feel that gay people should be able to be out and gay and safe and not discriminated against) I think you should communicate your views to him! It matters whether he himself is gay or not.

Original poster

sami1985 · 14/03/2014 23:56

So do you think I should talk to him about homosexuality in general without relating it to him? I have a couple of gay friends that he knows about and adores, so I don't think he's likely to say anything offensive to people later on in life. Argh sometimes I just start worrying about one thing and it leads on to loads of other stuff.

OP posts:

JapaneseMargaret · 15/03/2014 00:03

Looking forward to seeing a new-found friend doesn't necessarily mean anything.

He may be gay, he may not. This particular situation is not indicative of anything per se.

In case he is gay, and you are in any way worried that he might try to hide it, it is important to start giving him the impression that it most definitely wouldn't be a problem for you (even if it is for the church; after all, the church is wrong on many things, this being just one of them).

And even if he's not gay, giving this impression to him is still important.

LizardBreath · 15/03/2014 00:05

Sami you sound v nice. I think yes, maybe introduce a general topic about your friends just about how all fine etc, possibly about how they came out / when they knew. (This may be step too far though). If just make sure he knows thT you are there to talk about anything at all.

Original poster

sami1985 · 15/03/2014 07:38

Thank you for your advice, I'm really new to mumsnet and its been a great resource so far, I've had lots of questions answered that I just can't talk to my friends about! its a relief to be able to openly discuss stuff like this.

OP posts:

drspouse · 15/03/2014 10:01

If you were young and gay in our church, you'd be hearing "some people in and outside the church think homophobia is acceptable, neither we nor Christ think this". If your church is saying something other than this, I'd say find a different church.

Roseformeplease · 15/03/2014 10:13

My son has been brought up with my gay cousin and my gay friends. He knew, when he wanted to talk, that it would not be a big thing to us (although, privately, I found it hard just because you end up rethinking the future of someone you love - not that it will be worse, just different).

He loves being open about it at home but does not feel ready to go beyond immediate family, my cousin and 2 female school friends.

My cousin was able to talk to him and confirm it was the case (I think they talked about fantasies, dreams etc) and it may be that a gay male role model is a good idea.

But, don't rush anything. He will be going through puberty and will realise, slowly, who he is attracted to. If it is more Harry Styles than Taylor Swift then he needs to know you will be supportive and happy.

I would leave well alone but be very, very open about your own feelings that being gay is just something people are (like being born tall or with green eyes) and that they deserve happiness as much as anyone else.

Original poster

sami1985 · 15/03/2014 10:29

drspouse, sorry I'm not sure what you are getting at, but it was advice on my son I was asking for, not my church, which I am very happy with.

OP posts:

drspouse · 15/03/2014 11:02

What I'm trying to get at, because of what you are saying about your church/"the church general", is that if you are worried that a child of yours who is gay would feel the "teaching of the church" would make him or her feel rejected, then perhaps your particular congregation is not standing up enough to say this "teaching" of "the church" is wrong.

I know that not all churches are actively homophobic but my feeling is, for a church to be welcoming to all, they need to actively say they don't agree with homophobia.

So maybe this is something you could ask the vicar about - e.g. are they able to say in the pulpit that gay Christians are also blessed by God, do they discuss homophobic bullying at school at youth group, etc.

Maybe they already do in which case, fabulous!

Original poster

sami1985 · 15/03/2014 14:43

Its not an issue that's ever come up in a sermon, however the message has always been to love others. Persecution of any kind is not encouraged in Christian communities - that's not to say it doesn't happen, were all only human after all. But Christ's message is one of love and kindness, and accepting people as they are. Look at the sort of people Jesus associated with - people that were shunned by their communities, but Jesus didn't care about that, he looked deeper at who they were.

Sorry, I appear to have gone off on a tangent! Lol.

OP posts:

RiaOverTheRainbow · 15/03/2014 15:38

If your son might be gay and you're worried he thinks Christians are homophobic, you need to make clear that lots of Christians, including you, aren't.

TeaAndANatter · 26/03/2014 11:02

My best friend's son wrote a piece on facebook about not knowing what his orientation is yet (he's 13, so I expect he has a small idea in any direction - I did by that age, but then not everyone does), but being totally cool with whatever his future held, and hating that people use 'gay' as an insult. I just hope my son's that awesome at that age.

Original poster

sami1985 · 26/03/2014 21:35

Well, he said to me in the car this morning "mum, what's it called when you like both girls and boys?" so I answered "bisexual" and he said "I think I might be that"

I know I had my thoughts already on this but honestly I'm feeling a bit floored by this. His best friend admitted he is gay a couple of days before hand, so I wonder if its anything to do with that.

He is just such a young 13, more like 9, he has ASD and ADHD, and I don't think he has any sexual feelings yet, so it could be just that he hasn't ever had a best friend before, who is so nice to him etc. I'm thinking maybe he is confusing friendship feelings for more.

Its really silly of me, because whatever will be will be, but I'm feeling really emotional about all this :-(

OP posts:

fubbsy · 27/03/2014 10:23

I think it's really good that he feels able to confide in you about it. Long may that continue!

Maybe he is confusing friendship feelings for more, maybe not. There is no way for you to know if he has any sexual feelings yet, other than for him to tell you about his feelings, which he has.

It's not silly of you to be emotional. It's your little boy growning up.

Flip