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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS-16 aggressive, abusive and using cannabis

14 replies

M2GMOJK · 13/03/2014 02:31

l am the parent of a 16 Yo whose behaviour is out of control. He is increasingly aggressive, and has been to CAMHS on 3 separate times through different stages of his adolescence. I have raised him on my own but am remarried now. My husband is incredibly gentle and caring but can't take much more.
DS regularly smokes Cannabis and this has an extremely negative impact on his mood, and our house is like a war zone. He is in the process of failing his GCSE'S.
He does as he likes and shouts and swears at us almost constantly. l am now being treated for anxiety and panic attacks, and my husband is at breaking point.

OP posts:
NigellasDealer · 13/03/2014 02:41

do not know what to suggest OP - how long have you been married? was it just you and your son before you re-married? have you discussed the dangers of cannabis with him?

LiberalLibertine · 13/03/2014 02:47

Have you told him if this carries on he can move out?

Don't let your health and marriage become sacrificed in all of this, can you talk to someone about options for him living elsewhere?

Original poster
M2GMOJK · 13/03/2014 07:28

I wish I had somewhere to send him, even just for a short break. He hurt me on Friday night, this was the first time this has happened. He shoved me against the Corner of the wall and bruised my back.
His Dad is no help to us, he is aware at the problems and has told Ds never to turn up there as he will be turned away.
I have been remarried for 2 yearsbut I feel selfish for asking my husband to live like this with me.

OP posts:
Slapperati · 13/03/2014 07:42

What are the consequences of his behaviour? And where does he get the money to buy cannabis?

Original poster
M2GMOJK · 13/03/2014 07:51

The money does out Come from me-ever, which worries me more than I can tell you. I have removed every 'perk' Such as Wi-fi, contract phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
M2GMOJK · 13/03/2014 07:54

Also, if he does not complete an attendance Report at school, he-is not given bus fare to see his gf or welcome to invite her round.

OP posts:
serene12 · 13/03/2014 08:27

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Your story sounds similar to mine. My son used cannabis, became aggressive, failed his exams. After all the insanity, I started to get tough, I said NO to giving him money, he then became abusive, so I phoned the police, who were very understanding. No matter how many chances, our son got he carried on using drugs, funded by stealing money and items from the family to sell. We told him if he went out at night, he would not get back in and we'd be phoning the Police. That's what we did, the Police took him to the council, where he declared himself homeless. The council has an obligation to house him. He's now 20, living in a supported flat for young people with 24hr staffing, counselling etc. He now is planning to go to university! He's thanked me for throwing him out, he knows how difficult it was and he knows he wouldn't have progressed if we had not.
I started to go to Families Anonymous (12 step programme) this has changed my life, one of their important sayings is do not accept the unacceptable.
My family is a lot happier now, and my son and I have a good relationship now. Good luck

specialsubject · 13/03/2014 11:30

This is now domestic violence and you need serious help.

call the police. Nothing else has any chance of working.

and they say cannabis is just harmless recreation...

flow4 · 13/03/2014 11:50

Sorry things are so tough at the moment, M2G. I've been in a similar situation with my own DS1 and I know how miserable and stressful it is. Like serene, I ended up calling the police, and the third time I had my son arrested. I also told him he had to find somewhere else to live, but after a week, agreed he could come back under certain conditions.

Only you can decide whether to throw him out or hang on in there. There's no 'right' thing to do in these situations; you have to find the 'least worst' option for your family.

I decided to try to hang on in there. If you do that, with hindsight I'd say that the most important things you can do are...

  • Introduce a 'no violence' rule. If he hurts you or threatens to, or makes you afraid that he will, call 999. You have a right to be safe and feel safe. If he's violent and he can't control himself, you need help from the police to control him.
  • Work out your other essential rules. Not things like tidying his room, or even perhaps coming home on time, but things that are really important to you. For me it was no violence, no stealing, no strangers in the house and not damaging things deliberately. These were thing that I found so stressful they were intolerable, and I called them my 'bottom line'. I told him if any of those particular things happened again, I would ask him to leave, and I meant it. There were so many things he was doing that I hated - drug taking, getting arrested, lying, swearing at me, not going to school/college, etc - but I couldn't fight all those battles, and couldn't control what he did. Identifying my 'bottom line' was useful to do this because it increased our safety, but also because I separated out the things that really mattered to me from other things I could overlook.
  • Look after yourself. Do nice things. Exercise, laugh, eat well. You need to keep your 'batteries' topped up to deal with all the awfulness, and keeping some pleasure in your life is good for your health and reminds you what 'normal' life can be.

You might like to look for the 'troubled teens' threads started by Maryz. There's a lot of us who are or have been in your situation, and you'll find understanding and advice there.

It might help to know that 2-3 years on, my son has grown up a lot and is back on track. For a lot of teens, this seems to be a phase they grow out of.

Good luck. Keep coming back here if you need support.

Original poster
M2GMOJK · 13/03/2014 17:03

I'm so grateful that u have all taken the time to offer support. I just feel like I'm at the end of the road but there is no support or help from anywhere. Ds has a MAT team worker who is worse than useless. She won't refer us to any support services and just tells us she is here to support ds and not his family.

OP posts:
Claybury · 13/03/2014 20:39

You can get support for yourself at www.drugfam.co.uk
They are good on the phone and you might like to talk to someone who understands what you are going through.

Claybury · 13/03/2014 20:39

www.drugfam.co.uk

flow4 · 13/03/2014 20:50

I got good phone support from Family Lives too.

I found the lack of support very upsetting. I tried so many places. Mumsnet was a bit of a life-line.

Theoldhag · 13/03/2014 21:06

Poor you M2 and dh Sad, I hope that you find support and a silver lining. It is well worth you logging things with people such as police, gp, school) etc as well as gaining as much support as you can, the links others have posted should give you something to work with. Is it possible to change his MAT team worker?

Just such a hard time for you all, I hope things change for the better soon.

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