Teenage Revenge

[angelabeck]

Hi....New to this but desperate for any advice/help my 14yr old son has totally changed in last few weeks, all started when he had 2 fights in 1 day with 1 of his friends, he was punished by school as that's were it happened things became a bit out of control over internet and text messages so as parents we stepped in and helped resolve it with help of parents of other children involved since then he has become increasingly rude and nasty to certain teachers for what we see is him just being difficult. Yesterday things came to a head when he jumped into a fight to defend a friend who was being attacked by several others this then turned into him being physically attacked by between 5-8 other boys but on way to medical room with teacher he attacked a boy involved in front of teacher, he is now saying when he attends school he will be picking out children involved and attacking them 1 by 1 not matter what we say not making him sees how his actions are wrong he is very angry and aggressive when talking about this so we decided to leave for few days before trying again any ideas would be a help

Sounds like hormones gone into overdrive - it will get better but that's not going to be much help just now. Teenage boys can be horrible, mine at 14 was a complete nightmare for the year but magically improved as he turned 15.

Can you meet with the head teacher for an informal chat? They might have some ideas on how to handle things. Are there other areas of his life that are causing him frustration? Eg, struggling with any subjects at school, issues with a girl, problems with a sports club?

No problems elsewhere grades dropped little in subjects he choosing not to take next year but excellent grades elsewhere, have a arranged a meeting with the school but dreading it to be honest taken his phone etc so he has no access to social media to flame the fire, he is saying will sleep on streets don't care if gets locked up etc getting revenge is his only priority, his brother is 22 and think got lucky with him never behaved like this, how can 1 child throw a strong stable family into such turmoil,

Although puberty/testosterone can lead to these sorts of outbursts, a sudden change in personality in a previously laid-back child is potentially a cause for concern. Can be either due to something external (bullying, bereavement etc) or internal (depression, anxiety etc). I don't want to worry you unduly (I'm probably one of the least alarmist posters on Mumsnet) but don't be too quick to put everything down to hormones.

Thanks I was already thinking bit more than hormones but don't want to push things and make things worse, he has had a stable normal up-bringing there has been no changes to his life at all and he has totally change in last 6 weeks very aggressive even to point of picking up a crutch indoors in front of me and his dad and smashing it into the wall totally out of character I was thinking of taking him to GP but worried it may make him worse,

DS1 is 14 next week. He has his mood swings but does not turn into a completely different person. Your DS's sudden obsession with revenge is concerning. I think that you should trust your instincts and talk to the GP.

I would certainly find this a bit worrying. Boys who are aggressive and impervious to rules in their teens have often been struggling for years with social norms; this is a sudden personality change and to me it would suggest something is not well. Depression can cause aggression, other illnesses can cause aggression, and then of course there's always the possibility of drugs...

Thanks but I am 99% certain drugs not involved, he seems to be calming down and back to his normal loving self for now I think I will def be going to my GP to seek advice on what to do, have not discussed his outburst for now want to give him time to digest thing and know we still here for him, on holiday next week and dad taking week off to spend with him and talk about things gradually in a non confrontational way, I think at minimum he needs help to deal with his anger or has some form of depression,

Poor you angelabeck - this must be upsetting and worrying.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice as such to add, except to say that I think many younger teenage boys do get very angry. It must be a particularly difficult stage for them; they usually have little scope to make their own decisions and are at an awkward stage of puberty.

It could be that this other boy annoying him is the final straw for him if he already feels annoyance with the injustices he probably feels (having to follow rules he doesn't agree with etc) and is worrying/troubled by the usual teenage boy worries (physical appearance) etc.

It sounds to me like you're handling this well. I hope he feels able to tell your DH about his problems. At the very least he will know that someone is listening to him.

Thank you chocoluvva, he seems back to his normal loving caring self after few days of no school he is normally a very considerate child, having spoken to few people about this general advice is keep close eye on him when he goes back to school, pick our arguments wisely with him but most important make sure he knows no matter what we are here for him to talk to and will support him, a friend reminded me that for a while he was verbally picked on because had few health problems that meant he could not participate in any sport and he did not cope with the disabled remarks made to him he is now able to take part again thanks to a marvellous consultant who has looked after him very well suppose as a family we forgot this as he is over worse of it now. Seems we may have been panicking a bit too quickly just needs close supervision and help and guidance to deal with his emotions better hopefully, thank you all for your help and advice was a great help over a difficult few days Xxx

I'm glad to hear he's back to his old self.