Dd , 14, no self confidence after persistent bullying

[Carolj4725]

My dd has been bullied by a group of boys, 2 of which she has known since they were babies, both on the bus to school and in her form group. The school dealt with it as soon as we told them, but it had been going on for months before ds told us about it . Dd refused to talk, but eventually broke down after threatening to leave home, and told us , they were taking her stuff from her on the bus, calling her names, being physical with her, put up a Facebook page about her, emptying her school bag in form room and taking her books, this went on every day for months. It all seems to have died down after school came down fairly hard, but now dd is constantly teary and lacks self confidence, and says she is becoming aggressive when other kids are mean to her. How can we help her?

Have you seen the other bullying thread with the ten year old. The mother phoned the police and got a crime number, the police have gone into the school.

It's time for major action.

Carolj, I feel for you. My dd was bullied at school and the school didn't do very much about it. Unfortunately this led to my dd having self esteem problems/confidence problems and led to some very bad stuff happening. Luckily we are now on the slow road to recovery with her.

Showing aggression in a normally passive teen is a sign of depression. Make sure the school have really sorted the problems and then ask your g.p for a camhs referral. Don't let them put you off, your dd will need help to feel good about herself again and they can help her get over the horrible memories of being bullied.
Good luck, don't delay getting help.

Hi again, the low level stuff has started again, and she is really unhappy. She has asked to move forms and we are supporting her in this, but the school are refusing and saying it is not policy to move form groups. They recognise the problem and have said they will ensure she is in different teaching groups in yr 10 as they are at different academic levels and all of Their options apart from 1 are different. They have also said that they will put them in different re, citizenship and pe groups. All this is great, but they are refusing to move her form group. Hoy has been very helpful and supportive, dd has accepted a counselling referral from the school. She gas to get the bus with this boy, both husband and I unable to drive her the 20 miles each way to school. She is still upset over form group not sticking up for her and still some kids making comments and being hurtful. I am trying to encourage friendships in the form ( she has a girl here for a sleepover tonight which I virtually made her do) but I don't know what else to do. I think the hoy hinted that they could move her form group if the gp was involved, but I don't know how this would impact on her in the future! I don't know if she needs a cams referral, or how this could affect her university prospects ? Do unis get info like this from schools? Sorry to go on, but I just don't know what to do for the best. Surely if they recognise the problem and are willing to separate them to that extent, they can move her from that form? Or do we continue to encourage her to see the positives in the new academic year in September ? She says she wants to move schools if she can't move forms, but I really don't want to do this as she lives her teachers and lessons and has chosen a very specific set of gcses. Please help with some advice!

Obviously if she needs external help we will get it for her, but I don't want her to think she us a victim, or be stigmatised for getting help.

Carolj4725, I so know what your going through and it's hard. Who have you spoken to at the school? If it's the form tutor try head of house or head of year depending on how the school works. If you've done that then you need to approach the next in the chain of command and so on until you reach the top. It may not be their policy to change forms but they can do it if they want. Tell them she is refusing to go to school (it looks bad on their attendance record and they have to do something).
Is there any chance dd can stay at school a little later, club/library for homework and get a later bus home? Same for the morning, breakfast club or a different way of getting to school? It shouldn't be this way but in our society the bullies control the situation (survival of the fittest).
Please don't be put off going to your g.p. sod any stigma you may think is attached to asking for help, if your dd had a massive lump on her body you wouldn't hesitate, just coz you can't see mental health problems doesn't mean that it's not equally important. Make sure you tell your g.p that her personality has changed and she is showing signs of aggression. There will be a waiting list so please don't waste any time.
If you need anymore support you know where I am just pm me and we'll keep it off line. Good luck

We have been talking to the hoy, now the dh, and are now waiting to hear back from the h. They have to due they will separate them in classes from September but refuse yo move her from the form.

the important thing now is your DDs self esteem. My DD was hospitalised at 14 with depression, has been very public about her difficult experience, won national awards for this, and has an unconditional place at the uni of her choice (where there is plenty of support). But no-one has to disclose mental health issues if they choose not to in terms of education. Its hard to hear parents in 2013 might not seek help with this fear but I appreciate your honesty . It sounds like you need to understand if the school are not dealing with a situation, or if it is your DDs resilience and other issues which mean she is struggling to cope. For the school to say they might move her with a GP letter, makes me feel they are maybe not the right place for her. She is young, so moving school is an option in the great scheme of things - but please pursue some professional advice if you think she might be depressed to help you decide. does your area have a walk-in for teens at camhs? I hear Relate offer youth counselling now in some areas ?best of luck.

OP I would get her out of that school pronto.
20 miles on a bus twice a day with a group of bullies? That must be torture.