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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

I feel like leaving home

198 replies

Doinmummy · 27/01/2014 23:43

DD15 nearly 16 has been very difficult( think drugs, police, violence etc) she has been so good the last few months though.

However, in order to keep the peace I have found myself tiptoeing around her. Thinking twice about what I say , being careful not to even bloody sigh as it can set her off into a screaming fit. I'm sitting here tonight thinking ' what the bloody hell am I doing ?' I'm fed up of walking on egg shells just to keep her happy. She asked me if I thought silver hair would suit her. My reply was 'Weeeeell I'm not sure if it would' cue shouting and screaming that I don't care and I think her hair is shit.

I can't carry on like this. I want to leave home( yes seriously ) and see how she gets on without me.

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CouthyMow · 28/01/2014 23:03

I don't think that thought has actually occurred to MY DD yet - her current squeeze (for all of two weeks...) is over 17... She is going to booloo when she realises that they probably won't let her see him...

CouthyMow · 28/01/2014 23:06

Tbh, my jaw is still on the floor that the police can think that it is in ANY way, shape or form appropriate to release a minor into the care of their overage boyfriend's mother??!!

Despite all the underhand tactics I've dealt with in the last couple of days, my brain can't compute that one!

Doinmummy · 28/01/2014 23:07

Tbh it never occurred to me. Was just glad to get her out the house.

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Doinmummy · 28/01/2014 23:08

She has been with BF for about9 months. Not that it makes any difference

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RhondaJean · 28/01/2014 23:10

Fecking hell doin.

You lot are so strong, there were a couple of points a year or two back I was terrified dd1 was heading this way but she's evened out and is even dare I say it a pleasure to be around sometimes. I was abut demented with her, I cannot imagine how strong you all are to cope ?ith this.

I'm here for tea and sympathy and if I can suggest anything helpful.

Maryz · 28/01/2014 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doinmummy · 28/01/2014 23:45

I know I'm running out of time. I'm in a real panic.

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Maryz · 28/01/2014 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CouthyMow · 29/01/2014 00:05

MaryZ - I would have to say that the police, unfortunately, don't seem to give a crap about that - as they were seemingly the ones who released her into the care of her Boyfriend's mum...

And yes, Doin, I fear you are going to have to do exactly what I have just had to do. MaryZ is right.

CouthyMow · 29/01/2014 01:04

How are you doing, Doin? Is everything ok? (Well, stupid question, of course it isn't, but are YOU coping ok?)

Doinmummy · 29/01/2014 01:16

No I'm not ok. Sad I have to go to work tomorrow .

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CouthyMow · 29/01/2014 01:33

Aw bugger. Can you call in sick?

Doinmummy · 29/01/2014 01:43

I really can't . We have a three strikes policy and I'm at my limit. Last time DD kicked off my boss sent me home for a week with stress , I can t do it again

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CouthyMow · 29/01/2014 01:52

Shit. Erm, is your DD likely to come home while you are at work?

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 29/01/2014 02:55

Not the same situation but I thought I'd pop here and give both you and couthymow virtual hugs.

My dd was 7 so I guess I was lucky (in that she wasn't big enough to physically assault me or I'm sure she would have) after trying to access services only to be told they didn't exist or were only for YP in care, the frustration got so bad that when they said eventually it looked like I had reached the end of my tether, I agreed for them to take dd under sec 20, I then didn't get her back until she was 17 Sad

Be careful of the road you're about to go down. Seriously hope it gets the services you both obviously need for your dd's .. A damn shame SS seem to spend their time firefighting and not doing a brilliant job of it when with a little support for both parents an yp, this situation or type of situation could often be averted or lessened somewhat.

In my case my younger ds was also badly affected by dd's behaviour but he was never offered support either.
Prevention really would be better than cure here.

I'm so sorry you're both going through this Confused

Doinmummy · 29/01/2014 06:55

Thanks for the warning ThingsThat my DD is nearly 16 so she can leave home then anyway.

Couthy I've been thinking about my plan of action all night. I will tell the school , Family Solutions lady and SS that I refuse to have Dd back . But I did wonder how it will actually happen. DD will almost certainly have a key and I don't get home til 6 tonight. What if she lets herself in?

I was thinking of disappearing for a few days and saying I've abandoned her, would that work ?

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WynkenBlynkenandNod · 29/01/2014 07:54

Doin, really sorry to hear this. I'm making this up a bit as I go along and I'm a but bleary eyed but . My Mother has Dementia so I've spent time on the Alzheimer's forums where people are fighting to get care packages. The key it seems in those cases is to say you are suffering from Carer Breakdown and that your parent is a vulnerable adult who needs safeguarding.

What about finding somewhere to go for a few days citing parental Carer breakdown due to Domestic Violence from your DD. That you are removing yourself to a place of safety and if your DD let's herself into the house she will be alone which as a vulnerable minor who has had previous CAHMs involvement, needs further assessment. If she is left alone in the house you will consider SS have failed in their duty of care to safeguard a vulnerable minor.

You've got the previous episode of absence due to stress as evidence, a police arrest, SS /CAHMs involvement all to cite which is a fair bit. I'm sure others more clued up than me will be along with good advice.

CouthyMow · 29/01/2014 10:52

Actually, I think away ken has it on the nail, I think in your circumstances, that would be the best way to approach this if at all possible. Only issue I can see is that she wouldn't be 'alone' as you have a lodger.

(Sorry, thinking 'out loud' here...)

It was different for me, as DD didn't have a key, as she had lost her 4th key in 6 months in this house, so she couldn't get back in. And I didn't have the complication of having a lodger...

CouthyMow · 29/01/2014 10:53

Away ken = Wynken. Autocorrect

Doinmummy · 29/01/2014 12:03

Have told SS that I refuse to have her home. They said could I ask boyfriends mother to have her again, I said no. They said she'd have to come back to me then . I said absolutely not .

They are going to get back to me

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ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 29/01/2014 13:59

Loss of parental control is already in the children's act 1989 as a reason to begin intervention - you don't need to threaten abandonment or shouldn't bloody well have to in order to get some bloody help
As I said I really don't understand why preventative services aren't top priority instead of leaving people in limbo and at the end of their tether.

If you hit dd, and this is aimed at both of you, ( couthymow too) they would be taken into care but you would be 'an abuser' even if it was noted you'd reached the end of your rope or had hit in response to being hit.
This is so wrong I can't even begin to work it out or justify it.
I recently had a problem where my dd got a job an didn't tell me, no, actively HID it from me.
She shows no remorse or understanding of how I'm cross at being deceived for so long, plus the fact I could have owed a lot of money out.
If I try to talk to her about anything past 'how was your day' and gets angry, then tearful/frustrated,

I fear for her future. Often I have visions of being so fucking frustrated with her I could slap and shake her. Obviously I wouldn't do this, but you can't help feelin it. And it's because I'm afraid of how things are going to be for her.
Also believe and have from when she was taken, that she has aspergers. I can't force her to go to the doctors. Encouragement has been met with disgust and refusal. If she had been diagnosed when I asked, all those years ago, almost ten years in fact, things could be so different.
The SS have ways to jump waiting lists and other hoops, gaining access to services that simply don't exist to joe public, they just don't fucking bother to use them.
They let children in care down, like once they have them, they can't be arsed any more, or their thinking is as long as they're away from parents, that's the end of that.

Then those kids act out and say, have a baby, the baby gets removed from their care, no wonder the SS are accused of 'baby trafficking' when people don't see they have done anything to help the vulnerable yp, just taken the resulting baby.

I'm so torn here because I can see you guys at the end of your tether, but know the world of crap your kids will be enterin once they're involved with SS. And it's far reaching consequences which may even affect grandchildren and further. This always makes me want to scream 'don't do it, do whatever you can to stop them being taken'

What a shit situation.

Doinmummy · 29/01/2014 18:37

SS have ok'd it for DD to go to her boyfriend tonight. They haven't asked his mother if she's ok with it. They said that there's nowhere else she can go .

SS are going to visit me tomorrow . I don't hold out much hope . I am adamant she's not coming back home.

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PacificDogwood · 29/01/2014 19:04

How can they 'ok' anything? Confused
That is not an active act of 'safe guarding' at all - not asking BF's mum, previously stating you could ask BF's mum to take DD again, not providing a safe FC placement.
Honestly, my mind boggles.

I have no advice.
Thinking of you and wishing you strength - sadly, it sounds like you'll keep on needing it.
Thanks

Doinmummy · 29/01/2014 19:10

I know . How can handing a minor over I a teenage adult be ok?

School safeguarding officer told me he's tried to call DD and her boyfriend but they're not answering their phones

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RandomMess · 29/01/2014 19:16

Geez, it's just rubbish isn't it. It terrifies me, I really really hope that I don't go though this with any of my teens because there is just no help or support Sad