I feel like leaving home

[Doinmummy]

DD15 nearly 16 has been very difficult( think drugs, police, violence etc) she has been so good the last few months though.

However, in order to keep the peace I have found myself tiptoeing around her. Thinking twice about what I say , being careful not to even bloody sigh as it can set her off into a screaming fit. I'm sitting here tonight thinking ' what the bloody hell am I doing ?' I'm fed up of walking on egg shells just to keep her happy. She asked me if I thought silver hair would suit her. My reply was 'Weeeeell I'm not sure if it would' cue shouting and screaming that I don't care and I think her hair is shit.

I can't carry on like this. I want to leave home( yes seriously ) and see how she gets on without me.

[Doinmummy]

Posted too soon

And as I can't then they have chosen the easiest best option

[WynkenBlynkenandNod]

Is the school safeguarding officer on board with this ? Couthy's DD isn't allowed to see her boyfriend as she is underage so how earth can it be appropriate for yours to be living within hers ?

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

There's no hard and fast rule about boyfriends and underage girls as far as I'm aware.
SS used to allow dd (then 15) to stay at her boyfriends.
He was physically abusive to her, they were definitely having sex, no one but me ha spoken to dd about safe sex ect, an I'd had contact stopped for doing just that. So I went to the school who huffed and puffed a lot, but reported my concern to the fc who eventually dealt with the PA side of things, I also supplied dd with condoms and told her where she could get more from her most local fp clinic, didn't help that she wasn't allowed out without the FC though, I had to keep supplying BC or risk ending up with a GC who would most likely have ended up adopted out.

Sigh.

There are so many things about the system a it stands that need to be overhauled.

[flow4]

Oh Doin, sorry it's all kicked off again. :(

I'm afraid you are in very difficult position. I'm afraid because your DD is nearly 16, SS will just drag their heels for a couple of weeks, then wash their hands of it. There are simply too many troubled 15 year olds, and too little money - it makes them very 'pragmatic' and unlikely to help in all but the very, very most serious circumstances. :( I'm afraid they will see DD's BF's mum as an acceptable place for her to be, under the circumstances. I am afraid I think it is unlikely you will get even the (last minute, reluctant) help that Couthy has, because you do not have younger DCs with SN/disabilities, nor a disability yourself. In C's case, they have made the judgement that it will cost more, and be more difficult, if they do not help than if they do. I'm afraid they won't make the same judgement with you. :( :(

I'm sorry to be such a gloom-monger and of course I hope I'm wrong... But I think you have spent such a long time and so much energy trying to get her help, that you need to be careful not to spend the little bit of time and energy you have left on things that probably won't work.

I think your options are different from Couthy'. I think they are:
(a) Ask yourself honestly if DD will be OK at her boyfriend's. It isn't what you'd choose, it isn't ideal... But is it better than having her home? If so, then I'd say you should seriously consider leaving her there.

If his mum refuses, then you are back to the 'choice' you had a year or two ago:
(b) kick her out, or run away yourself, or
(c) hang on in there.

ALL these options are going to be very hard. It is awful - heartbreaking and unfair - that that's what it comes down to.

With ANY of those options, you can continue to ask and fight for help for your daughter. But 16-18 is an awful 'twilight zone' age, where there is very little support.

All of them need you to look after yourself. I seem to remember you saying you didn't feel you could or should look after yourself unless/until you had sorted your DD out... But you are at a point, I think, where you won't be able to help your daughter if you don't help yourself. It's like being in a plane crash: if you don't put the oxygen mask on your own face, you'll be finished before you can help your DD. :(

I am so sorry, Doin. I wish I had a magic wand. All I've got is a ton of sympathy and a glimmer of hope: you have been handling this for years now: you know you ARE strong enough. It will pass. It will get better.

[CouthyMow]

There are some cogent points in the last post, unfortunately.

The fact that I have younger DC's I have to protect HAS made a difference. As has DD's own vulnerability due to her own issues. As has the fact that every member of my household has their own medical or SN issues.

Even back when I was 15, very close to 16, a healthy DC of that age was offered VERY little support.

There is also the fact that unfortunately, your DD is just that bit closer to 16 than mine is. At this point, I fear even three weeks would make a difference. It's not easy for SS to drag their feet for 6 weeks when faced with this, far easier to drag their feet for 3 weeks.

What would have to happen for you to feel SAFE living in the same home as your DD? What are your main concerns with her living with her Boyfriend? Do you have concerns for her MH? Do you feel that they are appropriately safeguarding a vulnerable teenager? Because I bloody don't!

These are all things that you need to be stating to SS.

[Doinmummy]

Thanks all for your replies. I've accepted that her staying with her BF is the best/only option.

It seems so wrong that there is support for victims of domestic violence if the perpetrator is an adult but none if they are a child. I know SS are only interested in the child but what about me? If I crumble then DD has no one .

SS phoned this morning to say we will be referred to an agency called DBIT who will offer 'intensive' support. It has to go to panel which is on Wednesday.

I'm am aware that time is running out, my anxiety is at an all time high ( and I don't suffer from stress in any other aspect of my life). I feel so sad for my DD - it doesn't have to be this way .

[CouthyMow]

Dbit do seem quite good, Doin. They will ask questions about what it would take to make you feel safe with your DD living in your home, what you would like to see, their remit is to try to repair the relationship between you and your DD. I'm holding out hope that they will help me and DD.

[Doinmummy]

That's good to hear Couthy

[Doinmummy]

Just has a letter from the school saying that even though she was in school on the 13 the jan she failed to turn up for her GCSE English exam . It's just getting worse

[CouthyMow]

What? How can she 'fail yo turn up' for an exam if she is at school. Forgive me or being a bit but don't the school FIND pupils that aren't where they are meant to be, on the basis of Fire Safety?!

[CouthyMow]

And do the school not PHONE you about things like that? DD's school will ring a parent by 9.30am if their DC wasn't in school and the parent hadn't rung to confirm absence.

And if DD went missing IN school (which HAS happened, though not in an exam), they would be looking on the CCTV to find her, as it's a H&S thing to know where the pupils are and how many are on site...

[PacificDogwood]

Thinking of you, Doin.
I have no practical support or experience, but wishing you strength.
You are doing the hardest bit of parenting, I think.

[CouthyMow]

I'm cross on your behalf that the school don't seem to be supporting you as a parent. I hope you are resting and being kind to yourself.

[Doinmummy]

I can't get my head round the fact that she should have taken the exam week beginning 13th jan . We had parents eve last Thursday and nothing was said. If they saw she was not in the exam but knew she was on the premises, why didn't someone go and find her?

This has sent me into a blind panic. Something is very very wrong because up until this week I thought everything was fine.

I'm in bed and have taken a handful of sleeping pills - I just want to remain out of it

[Doinmummy]

Unless she can sit the exam she will get a U

[CouthyMow]

Doin - I'm worrying about the same stuff, but really, in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing. She can choose to do resits if and when she wants. I am right now...

Yes, it DOES mean that there have been bigger issues for longer than you thought, but at least you are getting more information now.

Still think the school is crap - my DD's school would have been all over that like a rash!

Sleeping pills are NOT the answer. How many have you had?

[CouthyMow]

Doin? I'm a bit worried about you. Are you sure you haven't taken too many?

[Doinmummy]

About 8 I tnnk I just need the rest. I don't want to think

[CouthyMow]

Doin, you need medical attention if you have taken too many. Isn't 2 a usual dose? That means you would have taken 4 times the usual dose. I'm asking you to be sensible. Go and drink some water and call OOH doctor. Please.

This will not be solved in this way. However badly your DD is treating you at the moment, if anything happens to you tonight, she will carry that forever.

(Childhood survivor of parental suicide here).

Please, get some medical advice pronto.

[Doinmummy]

Il be fine

[Doinmummy]

Just need sleep

[CouthyMow]

Doin, sleeping tablets can be dangerous if OD'd on, I'm pretty sure. What type of sleeping tablets?

[Doinmummy]

Zopiclone

[CouthyMow]

Hang on a sec. Be back in 2 mins.

[CouthyMow]

Stand up and try to walk in a straight line. If you are clumsy, seek medical attention. If you feel drowsiest than you usually would with your usual dose, seek medical attention. If your breathing is slower than usual, or shallower than usual, seek medical attention.

Tbh, you should be seeking medical attention anyway.