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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My nearly 13 year DS has been looking at naked girls on You Tube....

36 replies

josben · 23/12/2013 19:36

Found it all on his history on his kindle... Am trying to be calm and realistic about things but am still struggling with it :(

Not sure what to do..? :(

OP posts:
exexpat · 23/12/2013 19:43

I think youtube's porn restrictions mean that he probably hasn't been watching anything too explicit (though have you checked what else is in his history?).

I think at 13 it is fairly normal to want to look at that sort of thing - these days they use youtube, in the old days it would have been playboy/underwear catalogues/copies of the National Geographic - and I probably wouldn't do very much at all except check up and tighten your parental controls so that he can't access anything more hard-core. And maybe have a chat about sex, puberty, realistic/unrealistic images of women and sex, pornography etc.

Cherry34 · 23/12/2013 19:49

This happen to me earlier this year. I don't want to tell you what to do, as I not sure I am wisest person to give advice but I can tell you what I did.
I discovered it in the morning before he went to school. He has younger siblings and we were in the morning rush. So I just let him know, I had seen what was on his iPad and I would like us to discuss it late that evening. A) Because it was more convenient b) I wanted him to think about it and stew.

Later that evening, (him very red face) discussed the damage porn films can do, how they don't represent RL, are unrealistic etc.. )

I rather he didn't look, but understand he is curious!! Told him that I have the ability to see everything he looks at on all electronic devices..... Hope this deters him a bit!

Cherry34 · 23/12/2013 19:51

I can just point out my son was actually watch porn, not just looking at picture of women!

Original poster
josben · 23/12/2013 19:52

Thanks for your post, yes, we do have parental controls and so I will check that they are tight enough, it only looks like he has been on you tube, but there was some lesbian stuff on there too...!

I guess he is just inquisitive!

Am not sure what to say about porn etc, I have spoken to him about a bit about the horrible stuff that is on the web but I am not sure what to say about the porn side of things - it is a minefield...

OP posts:
lljkk · 23/12/2013 19:56

Find words to explain to him why you think he's too young to look at that stuff. He may not agree with you but he will take it in for consideration and hopefully not see the material as naively as he did.

TeamSouthfields · 23/12/2013 19:57

nothing. he is a normal 13 year old boy!

Original poster
josben · 23/12/2013 19:58

Hi Cherry, thanks for your post, yes my DS also has 2 younger siblings whom I don't wish for him to share this with!

I think that I should also speak with him about what I have seen, he has a password on his kindle that i don't know... he left it unlocked once and so that's why I quickly had a look!

DH says DS should be able to have privacy, but I don't necessarily agree...

How old is your DS?

OP posts:
Original poster
josben · 23/12/2013 20:02

Thanks for your posts, I am really interested in what other peoples reaction would be...

I have a younger brother and so I know what he was like, but as DS is not quite 13 yet and he is young for his age... (although he has gone through puberty) I guess I thought he is too young to be doing this...

OP posts:
TheXxed · 23/12/2013 20:04

team southshields it is not normal and can have long lasting damaging effects.

An example

Original poster
josben · 23/12/2013 20:12

Oh my god - that is terrible :(

OP posts:
exexpat · 23/12/2013 20:13

TheXxed - the OP said her son was looking at naked girls on youtube, not at hardcore pornography, as in the story you linked to. There is a big difference.

Curiosity about naked bodies is 100% normal; addiction to hard-core pornography is not. Lumping them together is not very helpful when you have teenage boys (or girls, for that matter - I seem to remember finding some sections of illustrated reference books we had at home very interesting at that sort of age...).

TheXxed · 23/12/2013 20:18

I was not trying to scare monger. And I did not make my point effectively.

Porn is not normal especially for young developing minds. OP I did not try to imply this is will happen to you AT ALL. Just that porn is dangerous and should not be down played

MissScatterbrain · 23/12/2013 20:32

Porn nowadays is nothing like the Playboy magazines of our youth - its far more realistic, invasive, interactive (e.g webcams) and addictive Sad

I feel sorry for young people as there are reports of young men suffering from ED and other sexual difficulties as a result of porn and women are being treated as meat and expected to perform all kinds of extreme sex acts.

Cherry34 · 23/12/2013 20:38

He is 13, it was a oversight Shock. Parental controls had been set on everything else except his iPad, my fault which I rectified immediately.
He thankfully hadn't accessed hardporn!! I did check!!!

Everything he owns I have access too, IPad, phone etc. I would not have a problem with him just looking at the female or male naked form but anything more than this, I would. Only because I don't want his brain warped in thing unrealistic or degrading!!

lljkk · 23/12/2013 20:49

My reaction was horrified but "lesson learned" kind of thing.
It's funny... I was talking with old friend about the plans to get ISPs to censor this stuff at source; he's very against because he thinks (for instance) it will ban gay kids from getting support. I guess I need to recognise that some kids won't be able to talk to their parents about anything to do with sexuality.

But not sure I believe online is generally good place to find good quality info about divergent sexuality, anyway.

Keep in mind He'll be seeing all kinds of gawdawfuls on friends' phones too that you can't control (do you have controls on his DSi-Ipad-Ipod-phone already?)

TheXxed · 23/12/2013 20:52

When I would commute into work I used to catch the train with lots of kids from a well known fee paying school in the area.

Some of the things they would say made me despair. Young girls 14/15 talking about shaving of all of their pubic. And laughing at the only girl in the group who didn't.

There was more but to grim to post.

MillyChristmas · 23/12/2013 21:37

That is the trouble with internet really, porn can easily be accessed. When my kids were younger they didn't use the internet or have any devices that were attached to the internet. There is nothing wrong with him been curious in looking at it though but just a shame that it is so easily accessible.

louby44 · 24/12/2013 16:28

I have had this with my DS14! It was a shock. Filters were put into place but he's still got past them ??? grrr

His dad had a long talk with him about how porn isn't normal sex etc. I just keep talking to him about girls and respect and if a girl says no, she means no.

It's very difficult because it's normal but it would be so nice for him to just look at photo's (like in the olden days) lol

mersea208 · 24/12/2013 19:41

I can trump this. DS spent a grand looking at a pornography website, could not get his money back but managed to close the account. Later this year used my c card small sum which he paid back to me along with various other money punishments. Got this account closed too. Remorse was shown 2nd occasion. Need to do angry smiley. Hard for me to face he is growing up but feel a bit sick about it too. Filters reinstalled on computer.

MerryBuddha · 24/12/2013 22:33

Mersea a grand Shock.

Bakingnovice · 24/12/2013 22:41

Can anyone recommend a good filter /parental control? My dec have access to an iPad but its not secure and I want to install controls.

Bakingnovice · 24/12/2013 22:42

Sorry to hijack op. I should add that my dsis caught my dn watching porn on his iPad and found it difficult to install controls which really worked. At 13 he's likely to be curious and a chat will help him realise how unrealistic porn can be.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 01/01/2014 14:42

I think these days they will find a way to watch porn if they want to. I have talked to my teen boys quite a bit about how I realise how easy it is to access very hardcore porn, and that it may be damaging to young minds, and that it bears no resemblance to real relationships, and that they should keep that it mind. Sad

MadameDefarge · 01/01/2014 14:52

I told my DS that as his parent I was responsible for his emotional physical and sexual health until he was old enough to manage it for himself.

I said that there things on the net which aren't even mainstream for adults, and how it can alter your brain chemistry if exposed too soon.

I told him I checked everything, and I would check his history, and if anything was deleted we would have to talk again.

I also said that if his friends wanted to show him porn, it was fine just to brush it off with a laugh, if he could. Or he could start a discussion about it with them.

I think he was grateful I had taken the decision out of his hands for a couple more years.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 01/01/2014 15:12

Madame defarge I don't think you have taken it out of his hands. Teenagers talk amongst themselves about how to access this stuff, and what about 'private browsing?' There are many ways to stop your parent seeing what you've been looking at, and it's naive it think he won't see it at other people's houses. He will probably want to look at it despite your little chat. It is normal to be very curious. Far more children are accessing hardcore porn than parents think. They just hide it well. I'm not sure what the answer is really, I agree I think it could be very damaging. But I think an honest and up front approach is probably best.