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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

visiting teen - am I asking too much to expect sentient life???

19 replies

shimmy21 · 19/07/2006 11:36

18 yo niece visiting from 'abroad' as a reward for working very hard for uni entrance exams. She is with us a month and has so far appeared from her room to eat, when she hears a wine cork pop and when we have forced her to accompany us on weekend outings.

She has spent 2 weeks so far msning her friends and watching dvds saying that after a year of hard revision she doesn't want to do anything else.

Should I expect some help with basic household tasks e.g. washing up?
or should I let sleeping teens lie and allow her to have a total holiday?
should I force her to take in some sights (bearing in mind her parents have forked out a considerable amount of money for her to be here)?

The sound of the keyboard tapping from her darkened room is starting to get on my nerves.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 19/07/2006 11:49

I'd talk to her parents, I think.

I ship over my nieces and nephews as they graduate high school. I don't think they've generally helped domestically. I think one of them stayed in and watched all my Friends videos. Their choice.

Actually, the last ones did help a bit with DS1. I have two fresh ones coming in a week and a half, and wondering how we'll get on, particularly as I now have two kids at home.

Original poster

shimmy21 · 19/07/2006 11:56

so I should just chill a bit, eh?

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 19/07/2006 11:58

She's probably worn out. You might manage to lure her out a bit, but it's hardly worth forcing her to do stuff when she's on holiday.

The household tasks is another thing, though ... does she help at home?

LucyJones · 19/07/2006 11:59

are there any 18 year olds in the area that she knows so she could go out and do some funstuff with people her own age? Seems a bit strange to visit you and then just do what she would do at home. I would have thought she'd rather be at home with her mates or get a summer job!!

KTeePee · 19/07/2006 12:01

Seems a bit odd (even for a teenager) to come all that way and then do virtually the same as they could do at home.....

Don't know where you live and what she is "into" but I definitely would encourage her to do more with her time - especially as she has spent the last two weeks relaxing.

I remember visiting my aunt in London just before I started uni - spent most of my time sightseeing and shopping for new clothes to wear at uni

Original poster

shimmy21 · 19/07/2006 12:04

no, probably she doesn't help at home which is why it doesn't cross her mind here. it's the clearing up after a meal that's annoying me most. seems like basic politeness to me just to help put plates in the dishwasher etc. we have actually 'told' her in a polite jokey way that she can't sneak off when there's washing up to be done but she doesn't seem to have taken the hint.

OP posts:

Original poster

shimmy21 · 19/07/2006 12:06

seems strange to me too ( and a big waste of money) but I can't even persuade her to go to the local shops let alone on an outing that would involve negotiating transport

OP posts:

moondog · 19/07/2006 12:13

I've got my niece and nephew with me from abroad.
At 8 and 11,they do their share (tidying,minding baby for 10 mins,bringing stuff in from the line,setting table,bit of cooking)

KTeePee · 19/07/2006 12:14

I wouldn't stress too much about helping around the house btw, fairly normal for it not to occur to teenagers to help out - if you do want her to help I would ask her directly rather than hint.

How old are you children - could she take them to the park for you for example?

Original poster

shimmy21 · 19/07/2006 12:15

I know she would do things if I told her to but I don't want to tell her iyswim

OP posts:

Original poster

shimmy21 · 19/07/2006 12:21

and yes to be fair, she has done a spot of babysitting for a couple of hours (kids 7 and 9). I suppose I'm uncomfortable because I don't want her to feel we are making her 'work' for us but I'd like a token gesture from her to take part in the household

and yes reading it back I do realise I probably am expecting too much

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 19/07/2006 12:23

If she does not help at home, then no wonder she doesn't help automatically with you.

If you were feeling charitable, you could try to train her up?

I'd be more bothered about her not going out and doing stuff.

(Thinking about it, I think my teenagers have generally been helpful. I remember the last one was interested in what I was cooking, and taking recipes away, so she was no doubt helping out.)

mell2 · 19/07/2006 12:44

Agree with NQC in that i'd be more concerned with her not making the most of her time with you.

Mind you, if my dd had gone to stay with someone, the last thing i would have said is "don't forget to help out".

mell2 · 20/07/2006 09:22

Meaning i would have said it. Have just re-read what i wrote and it sounds like i wouldn't have said "help out"

mumeeee · 22/07/2006 15:29

She is visiting yiu as a reward for working very hard. So I should let her do her own thing and relax and not expect her to help out with household tasks. Altohg I know my 19 year old will offer to help out when visiting someone.

Grasswidow · 08/08/2006 06:38

I would expect mine to help out when away from home, and would want to know if they did nothing.
But as said before if she does not help at home dont expect her to help when out.
It is down to how expectations have been set from home. Yes she is and should be relaxing, but it is not too much to expect her helping with the dishes, only common curtsey if she is eating the meals!
Let her know

podgegl20 · 08/08/2006 08:32

I've just had my 16 year old nephew to stay for a week, he helped out a bit but as his parents were on holiday somewhere else I thought he deserved a bit of a holiday too. When he did help I did say how grateful I was!

BadMuther · 08/08/2006 15:54

Sounds to me like this young lady needs to learn how to be a guest in someone else's house. It's only common courtesy to help clear up after meals etc...it's not like you're asking her to do chores like clean the loo! How much effort is babysitting your kids to her anyway? How much extra effort is her visit causing you? TBH, I think she's taking the mick and a conversation with her parents might be in order ~ for their benefit since they paid for her to be with you, and definately for yours!

I'm just wondering how much time I'll get to put my feet up and MSN my friends in two years time when I actually GRADUATE (I'm 44) ~ I guess I'll still be doing chores at home as I embark on my PGCE!

My point is that it is only Uni entrance exams that she has done, so if she needs to rest up now then how will she cope with her finals? LOL!

Seriously, NOBODY is entitled to a total holiday ~ and while you can cut her some slack for keeping 'normal' teenage nocturnal hours ~ she should be well and truly out of the grunty teenage stage where they don't always feel like interacting with the rest of the household. I think she has a real cheek in saying to you that is all she feels like doing after revising for a year, and if I were you I would INSIST that she goes out and makes the most of being in a different location.

I know I sound harsh, but if this were my daughter behaving in such a selfish and inconsiderate way in someone else's home, I would be mortified!

Good luck! .

WideWebWitch · 08/08/2006 16:01

Sorry but lol at "The sound of the keyboard tapping from her darkened room is starting to get on my nerves." I think my husband feels the same about me some evenings. sorry, OT and not helpful, good luck with this, how irritating but then, teenagers are iirc from having been one!

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