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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS did not start job after training for it

17 replies

mersea208 · 11/12/2013 15:30

That's just it really. Said he did not like the work and that it was shifts but no overnights. I am gutted. Similar happened before except he actually walked out of the job. Any ideas what to do? He is looking for something else. No rush as £ not a problem not much is spent. Can't re-sign on as they found the job. TIA

OP posts:

Moreisnnogedag · 11/12/2013 15:32

How old is he? And why isn't £ a problem? Because if you're supplementing anything but the most basic existence then that needs to stop.

FuckyNell · 11/12/2013 15:33

Two jobs? Bloody hell he's a choosy sod eh?

LIZS · 11/12/2013 15:40

How old is he ? Dare I suggest he needs to learn to stick at something before he starts to enjoy it more and find something more convenient. You say money is not an issue but how about any rent, living expenses and travel . Presumably you no longer get CB for him so he needs to be earning his keep. What does he propose to do instead ?

Original poster

mersea208 · 11/12/2013 15:46

He's 20 so I shouldn't really post here I suppose. But he's a young 20. He will eventually run out of £ (standing orders only). No rent paid lives at home. Not sure what he will do now. Will have a talk soon but don't expect to get anywhere. Just need help on how to progress things now with him altho feel it is his problem at not mine. No sympathy here!

OP posts:

Rosencrantz · 11/12/2013 21:22

Start charging him rent.

Moreisnnogedag · 12/12/2013 07:38

It is his problem. He's 20 and acting as if he's 15. Start charging rent and a condition of living at home that he has chores and responsibilities. He has no reason to get a job if he's cushy at home.

Tabby1963 · 12/12/2013 08:08

You may believe you are being kind and supportive by not treating him like an adult (and 20 is definitely an adult, whether a young 20 or not) but in reality you are setting him up for kidulthood. No a good place for either of you. Before you know it he'll be 30 (or older) and still living at home being supported by you. Believe me, it happens.

How will he ever get and keep a job if he knows mum will pick up the slack and pay for his expenses and let him live rent free. That is just fantasyland, isn't it?

Will have to talk soon but don't expect to get anywhere. This is your home and your rules, OP. Insist that a weekly rent will have to be paid (set a deadline). To do that he will have to find a job (any job) to earn money to support himself. Show him how much he would be expected to pay in rent and living expenses if he lived outside the home i.e. in a shared house/flat share. He needs a reality check.

It will help a lot if he sees friends who are moving on with their lives, working and supporting themselves. It is not a good look for a young man to be still living at home, supported by parents. Good luck, OP.

specialsubject · 12/12/2013 14:38

you know the cure for failure to launch? A bloody big rocket....

Original poster

mersea208 · 12/12/2013 19:37

WRT rent we previously agreed with him that he would pay this once he got a job so I don't thinks it's fair to back track on this. Had a talk and he wants an outside job so have agreed to help him look for something like this. Just want him to be happy tbh. Will try and give him more chores at home.

OP posts:

Moreisnnogedag · 12/12/2013 19:51

mersea why 'try'? This is your home ffs. At the moment he is actually disincentivised to work because there is no expectation to pay anything if he doesn't. If you don't want to charge him money, set out which chores are to be completed by him (and him alone) in order to pay for his keep. And make it so that it isn't just emptying the dishwasher but a proper list of tasks each day that would take him time.

At the moment you are coddling him from the real world. No rent and mum will try and find a nice job that fulfils some ever changing criteria. I reality he needs to suck it up and find any job, just like the rest of us.

magnumicelolly · 12/12/2013 19:55

You agreed he would pay rent once he got a job- well he did get a job. Not your problem if he promptly gave it up again!

MinesAPintOfTea · 12/12/2013 20:18

He got a job. Time he learnt not to walk out on jobs when he has things to pay for.

mumeeee · 13/12/2013 10:04

He needs to make the effort to find a job himself. Yes give him advice on his CV and how to go about it. Then leave him to it. Give him a list of chores that need doing and tell him you expect him to do them.

Original poster

mersea208 · 15/12/2013 08:18

Trouble is re. rent I decided with my husband to ask DS for this once he had started the job. I feel it would be punishment now to ask DS for rent if he is not earning. Re. chores. Often when asked he says it's not his job but will do jobs if he wants to, eg take out rubbish. I'll just have to woman up I suppose but it's put a downer on Xmas with all the family coming and they know what's happened.

OP posts:

blahe · 15/12/2013 08:35

Sorry to sound harsh but I firmly believe that our "job" as a parent is make our children capable of surviving in the adult world. You seem to have babied him and made excuses and now are playing the martyr of it putting a downer on xmas.

As you said Woman up and with your husband give him the kick up the back side to actually do something with his life.

If he doesn't earn his keep by doing chores then he needs to move out. He is coming across as a lazy good for nothing.

Branleuse · 15/12/2013 08:42

sounds like youre completely soft on him, and he will still be living at home when hes 30, or will make a shit wife for someone because you just patch up whatever he fucks up

mumeeee · 15/12/2013 11:24

You said that he needed to start paying rent when he started the job, Well he had the job and could have started it but chose not to as he didn't fancy it. Well tough he can't just pick and choose jobs lots of young people can't get one at all. We have always told our DDs we will help them but only if they make some effort themselves, As for chores he should be doing them even if he says it's not his job. You could say cooking his food and doing his washing is not your job.

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