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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Found condom packet in 15 yr old daughter's bag and not sure how to handle this.

49 replies

crosss · 28/11/2013 14:31

My daughter only turned 15 two months ago, and she has been going out with a boy who is one month older than her for about 5 or 6 months. Today, I have found a packet in her bag from a c-card scheme, where, I have since found out, that under 19's can go to get confidential sexual health advice and free condoms. The packet was empty of the 4 condoms that it apparently originally contained. I am now unsure as to how to handle this. I don't want to confront her with this knowledge and risk antagonising the whole situation, until myself and her dad have had time to think it through, and decide on the best course of action to take. Until now, I have believed her when she has told me that nothing has happened between them, but the trust I had in her is now in doubt. If anyone has any advice on how to handle this, it would be much appreciated.

OP posts:

ChristineDaae · 28/11/2013 14:34

She could well just be planning ahead for the if/when? She may have taken them out and put them in her drawers or something?
Shouting won't solve anything here I don't think, she will only deny it and then not feel like she can tell you when something does happen.
I don't know, my mum was useless at this sort of stuff when I was young, and my DD is only 3... Am sure someone with teens will be along to help soon

Casmama · 28/11/2013 14:36

Be pleased that she is being responsible?
You mention trust- how exactly did you come to be looking in her bag?

JeanSeberg · 28/11/2013 14:40

Not a great deal you can do, they've already had sex at least 4 times.

How do you get on with the boyfriend? Does he seem a decent type that will stand by her if she gets pregnant?

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 28/11/2013 14:41

It's so young isn't it :( At least they are using condoms, or at least intend to - she might have put them in his wallet/her bag etc.

It's hard to say what I'd do when I don't know your DD - but I think I would say to her that you have a feeling their relationship has progressed or is progressing to a sexual one and that you would like to make sure that if it has (or when it does), she is as safe as she can possibly be, including being on the pill.

Obviously you'd rather they weren't having sex, but you can't change that. A.ll you can do it help them be as safe as they can be.

My parents would have hit the roof, which of course, is precisely why I denied it when asked.

gamerchick · 28/11/2013 14:43

It's a horrible feeling when you realise your kid is securely active. Sadly there's little you can do about that. Once they start they won't stop.

Comfort yourself that she's being sensible though.

When you see her.. apologise for going through her bag if you didn't have a legitimate reason for it. Tell her what you've found and ask her if there's anything she wants to talk about.

I hot footed mine down for the implant but she was slightly younger. Taking the risk of pregnancy away really helps with the anxiety of the situation.

gamerchick · 28/11/2013 14:44

*sexually

2beornot · 28/11/2013 14:47

I think she is remarkably mature to have sorted contraception out. So regardless of what you think about her having sex, this is clearly something she is going to do anyway.

I would bring it up with her. Tell her your concerns but that you are happy to discuss anything with her in a totally non-judgemental way. Do anything else and you risk alienating her.

And make sure that this is what she wants, not her boyfriend.

[caveat - my dd is 3 so what do I know?]

insancerre · 28/11/2013 14:48

just be thankful that she is being sensible about it
you won't be able to stop her doing it
at least she is taking precautions and has access to advice and support

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/11/2013 14:54

Erm, yes, great she's responsible but she's not 16 yet. Having sex before you're mature/ old/ responsible enough to deal with the consequences is not a great idea. All things can go wrong with a condom, she can can pregnant.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/11/2013 14:56

And it will be the OP dealing with the aftermath. Easy to be glad someone else's kid is 'responsible' to get condoms, when it's not you being the parent if the child having sex.

GimmeDaBoobehz · 28/11/2013 15:01

All you can do is be there for her. She knew you would be angry and maybe act irrationally that is why she didn't tell you.

insancerre · 28/11/2013 15:10

drinkfeckarsegirls why do you think teenagers can get access to free condoms and health advice?
becasue they are already having sex.
The Op is not going to be able to stop her DD from having. All she can do is support her to make the right decisions.
If you think that teenagers don't have sex underage then you are very naive.
I speak from experience, my children are 24 and 17 and have been through this before.

insancerre · 28/11/2013 15:11

and I've had to deal with the consequences

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 28/11/2013 15:19

You handle this by being conscious this is her body, her life, her rights and her decisions. Then you be delighted you have bought her up to be sensible and mature. Then you say NOTHING about your discovery, but make sure you talk to her about contraception and sexual health soon, and the inadequacy of only relying on condoms and you offer to take her to the GP if she ever wants to start on the pill. then you remind yourself that her private life is indeed private.

Norem · 28/11/2013 15:20

I would congratulate her on being responsible in trying to prevent stds and explain the condoms are not 100 % in preventing pregnancy.
Offer to take her to family planning services to see about a long term highly effective method of contraception.
Good luck.

Brodicea · 28/11/2013 15:23

I would say, try to calm down, accept she is already having sex, or is at least considering having sex very soon. Try not to be judgemental or she'll be mortified and never want to talk to you about things. You could sit down with her and ask if she wants to go on the pill? And/Or do what my friends' mum did and leave some condoms in the bathroom for her to take if she needs to.
I started having sex at 15 and hid it from my mum until I got an infection, being sat in the Drs surgery revealing my sexual activity was so horrible for both me and my mum. She needs to feel this is something she can talk to you about and ask you about.
I know my mum was pretty stricken about it, and I understand that now, but feeling ashamed really didn't help me reach out.

AdoraBell · 28/11/2013 15:27

Being 16 doesn't automatically make people mature enough. I certainly wasn't I started having sex at age 16, almost 17.

It's the bothering To think about contraception and staying safe in terms of sex, and actually doing something about it, that shows marurity.

As has already been said you won't stop them if they have already had sex. Just be thankful she is being mature about it and let her know she can talk To you without being judged.

insancerre · 28/11/2013 15:45

The most important thing is to maintain that relationship. So don't judge or lay down the law- you risk alienating her.
That's not to say you have to like what she's doing, but you do have to accept that she has the right to make choices about her body. I see my role as a parent to make sure those choices are informed choices.
DD has a friend aged 16 who self-harms. She doesn't have a good relatonship with her mum- she can't talk to her, she just flies off the handle.
This girl last week slashed both her arms, left the house at 3am and was found wandering around, bleeding by a taxi driver. he took her to the local hospital where she was treated and returned home at 7 am. her mum knew nothing of this- the bandages were hidden by long sleeves.
I would rather have a relationship with dd where she could talk to me and be open about her life.

Sizzlesthedog · 28/11/2013 16:58

When my parents found the same thing when I was 15 they hit the roof.
But.....it was innocent. My friend whose parents are Drs and always has been very factual about sex, got me and another friend to go and buy some condoms to make sure we had some. For what purpose I never found out, it was something we did as a " aren't we grown up" sort of thing. We carried them around, again not sure why.

So there may be a different reason for why she has them. I think we wanted people to think we might have been having sex. But this is 20 years ago and maybe teens are more grown up now

trooperlooperdo · 28/11/2013 17:27

Worryingly, it is still sex with a minor

AdoraBell · 28/11/2013 17:32

According To the OP both teens are minors. DD turned 15 Two months ago and boyfriend is 1 month older.

wakemeupnow · 28/11/2013 20:06

There's a reason why there was a recent attempt to lower age of consent to 15. It's because a lot of 15 year olds are sexually active.

Having condoms doesn't mean you are sexually active , but it does mean you are thinking sensibly, being prepared and looking out for yourself.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/11/2013 20:26

There is one thing 2 15 year olds having sex together and another changing the law so an adult of any age can have sex with a 15year old. Me thinks the forces behind are pushing for the latter

AdoraBell · 28/11/2013 22:37

I am actually in favour of raising the age of consent because of the pressures on teens and the posibility of much older adults believing it's okay because it's legal. I do realise, however, that teenagers will have sex regardless of the law.

In this case, as I said above, both are minors and so the issue isn't of sex with a minor. It's fact that the OP isn't ready for her DD To be sexualy active.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 28/11/2013 23:38

I agree, Adora. I was just responding to the poster above raising the issue.

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