18 year daughter

[madwoman1979]

I have an 18 year old daughter who is in year 13 at school. she has some sort of phobia of public toilets and will not use them which mean she is holding on all day and when she is on her time of the month she does not attended school for the whole week.

so she misses.a week of skool every month, that's bad, what is she going to do when she goes to uni or starts work????

I really don't know I am at my wits end with her.

I have been a teen foster mum. Some girls find it a control issue and that going on the pill was useful. Then they could plan toilet stops and what they needed.

CBT is useful for phobias and this should be available through school.

Go camping.

Case solved.

I would sit her down and have a talk about it. Explain that while you understand she can't help it this is a serious enough problem to need specialist treatment, that she will not be able to earn a living in this way, and her life could be so much easier and more pleasant if she got help to overcome her phobia.

As KeziaK says, CBT is almost certainly the way to go about it. Even if the school can't provide this, they may be able to support her GP in speeding up a referral.

Does she use public toilets/toilets in restaurants & pubs etc - or is it just school? What is the real problem? Fear of other people's germs/using other people's loo paper/what? Talk her through the irrationality of this and the future reality of her behaviour - and explain how it will affect her adult life (college, Uni, a job - are all impossible if you stay at home in Mum's house 3 weeks out of 4).

The ultimatum has to be 'either you stop doing this or I take you to the doctor about it'. Teenagers usually dont like that sort of encounter - far too embarrassing especially when its about 'toilets'. She has to tell you that actually it isnt a problem (so go to school and stop using this as an excuse to stay home) OR that it is a problem (so go to the doctor and ask for psychological help). No 'wait and sees' - have the conversation now and either the silliness about toilets stops right now or she goes to the doctor. No 'nice' compromises. Bite the bullet.

I'd say don't go encouraging any notion that seeing the doctor about a phobia is embarrassing, though.

Using doctors as a threat can come back to bite you on the bum if it turns out to be a genuine problem that does need treating that way.

Also, she is of age, so the "either you do this or I take you to the doctor's" approach has to allow for that fact.

thank you for all the replies. she won't go to the doctors because she says these nothing wrong with and it is a waste of the doctors time.

ruddy teenagers, professionals at irrational thought.

Also point out to her she is in danger of getting a urinary tract infection if she doesn't wee regularly. And I bet she isn't drinking much or perhaps anything during the daytime either, which could lead to other problems.

How long has this been going on? I find it hard to believe that one week in four off school has gone unnoticed and no action taken by school for very long.

madwoman, you have two similar threads going... It might be helpful for people here to know that your daughter has Aspergers.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1926685-do-girls-with-aspergers-have-problems-coping-with-periods

there'll be something wrong with her kidneys if this carries on. As well as a huge hole in her education.

she needs treatment.

Are you sure this is actually about using public toilets? I would say maybe there's an issue actually going to the toilets in school? Bullying? Where the nasty girls hang out? Comments made? Doors ripped open whilst you're trying to wee? Embarrassment/harassment etc.

When I was in primary, I also didn't go to the toilet for all of the reasons listed above. My mother never knew this. At secondary, I managed to find one set of toilets that were 'safe' to use.

She's an adult. Why are you involved in her toileting habits?

she wont get off with staying of college or uni or work when she has her period, although my dds never used the school toilets

I would say that one doesn't stop being a parent when ones child becomes 18. We are parents forever and if THIS parent can come on Mumsnet and ask for advice to give her daughter so she isn't going to damage her health and mental wellbeing, then that parent is a good one.

You need to establish why she won't use the toilets. Is it a hygiene thing? Or a privacy issue? It could be for many different reasons and you'll only be able to go about helping her when you know exactly what her problem with the toilets is.