What should I do when I put in a sanction which is broken/ignored?

[febel]

What should you do? Further to my earlier thread...addicted to internet.....turned off wifi for punishment as agreed (won't let me have phone, scratched and kicked me when tried) 16 yr old YD sneaks in and turns it on when I go downstairs. Withholding money is no use as she has a job, grounding doesn't work..she is meant to be grounded this week but says she is just not coming home from college tonight and will go straight out...and possibley not come back. I am worried, and scared, at how things have got. She won't talk, is just very sarcastic, aggressive and in your face. Shouting match (not me, I stayed calm) last night and this morning. Violence and vitreol and lies (she hates to be in the wrong)l if you go against what she feels is her right. We are ob going very wrong somewhere,I am so very worried and upset, and it's really since she went to 6th form college

Well- any 16 year old that kicked and scratched me would be getting a visit from the police.

Forgot to say..she follows me shouting at me if I try to leave the room.she won't let go. Yesterday when the wifi was off she aggressively followed me round the house, breathing down my neck and treading on my heels, repeatedly saying,
"When are you going to turn the wifi on, when are you going to turn the wifi on, when are you going to turn the wifi on?"
It was actually quite scarey, she is as tall as me and strong, I felt threatened and bullied. In the end I locked myself in my room after saying to her, as she tried to come in, it will go on later.(didn't say how much later) We used to have a good relationship, I don't know what has happened

I'd be telling DD that she had two hours to hand over her phone and then I'd be cancelling the contract, assuming you're paying for it. And changing the wifi password.

I also think febel has a point about the police (although I know that's easy to say).

You are not going wrong.

If she lays a hand on you, you call the police. You keep the plug for the router in your handbag.

You tell her (calmly) the front door locks both ways and she won't get in until she is calm and reasonable.

Change your wifi pass word so you have control - don't give her access to it.

You need to give the message that it's your house, your wifi and that there are rules in your house about violence - I'm assuming here that you don't hit her.

I've fostered children the same age and electronic devices are removed at 9 so they get to de stress before sleep. They don't have the wifi pass word and what they do on the Internet is monitored for their own safety. I don't put up with any violence towards others in the house and indeed have restrained and lifted individuals outside the house before until they calm down.

You can't stop her not coming back, it's her choice - but I do urge you not to give in to keep her there as then you are the one being manipulated because of bad behaviour

I suggest when things calm down and she complies you do something nice together etc, assure her you love her but not the behaviour, say things like 'it looks like you're having a hard time, do you want to talk about what's going on' etc

Try not to argue or engage, I've left rooms dozens of times to avoid conflict - I've gone out in the car as I've suddenly remembered something I need - you need distance and to look distracted yourself. Engage as little as possible.

She has developed such a temper it is awful...I have tried to find anger management help but no success...and ofcourse she has to agree to go! She seems to think it is normal and it's OUR fault she gets into such a temper..she sees "red" and spirals out of control.

She's the one who has to live with the temper, you can ignore it. I would say to her broken record like these are the rules, you are choosing to be annoyed by them, your temper is the consequence of you choosing to be annoyed.

I cross posted with you earlier and notice that she follows you from room to room trying to start an argument with you. I've had this and have used 2 different tactics depending on whether I want to engage with the conflict:

1. "Every minute you follow me will be one extra hour/day of there being no wifi - if you choose (always use the word choose) to follow me you are choosing the time you do without wifi"

1. Leave and go out, go to the loo/somewhere with a lock on the door - look disinterested and if you were going there anyway - you need to look as little engaged with the bad behaviour as possible.

Parenting teenagers can be the shittest job ever - so you really need to look after yourself - if you go out to avoid inflict go to a cafe, a library -somewhere nice so you can get some peace.

I've been to McDonald's drive through dozens of time to get a coffee

Laurie
I applaud you for your wonderful advice. I wished there were more people like you on mumsnet or that I could subscribe to your posts. Shame this forum is so basic.
But I will look out for more posts from you!

febel:
I think Laurie has great strategies and I would only add that you need to talk to your dd when she is in a good mood and explain that all our happiness depends on that we get on with each other. If she carries on like this, she will lose your love and will have a very lonely life ahead. Try to get her to be on your side that peace and harmony in the house is something desirable.

P.S. I mean 'basic' in terms that one can not subscribe to people or get notifications (not basic in terms of people, SORRY!)

Absolutely agree with Laurie.

When my two were younger I would extend any sanction they attempted to break and they learned very quickly

Thank you so much for your advice, some good pointers which I will try out...and a relief to hear I'm not the only one!

ps...meant to add I agree with Palika...I would subscribe to your advice too Laurie! thank you

Make an agreement with her?

Ask her what she would like to happen in terms of what she thinks you should provide her with.

You write down basic house rules that she has to conform to in order to get these privileges.

Its a starting point....I assume she needs you to support her, buy her clothes, food etc.

Might just help to get her to see where you are coming from.

I have a 15 year old daughter who over the last 7 months or so has changed beyond belief from the daughter I have brought up and know. I have literally had 7 months of hell. She came back from school one day 7 months ago having been attacked by another girl. Since then she seems to have fallen out with every one of her decent friends both in and out of school and associates herself now with older boys who I don't know. Her attitude is often appalling. She (overnight) had no respect for any authority - home, family members, school. She changed the way she spoke and acted. Since then I've had problem after problem. She's been running away from home, going to illegal raves, hanging round with people I know nothing about and if I try and find out or discipline her in any way she just tells me to f* off and carries on regardless. I'm a single mum and also have a 5 year old son so I have a big responsibility to protect him. I have often had to leave the house with him because she is so angry and abusive. I have had 6 months of believing she could be bring groomed as the behaviour is so extreme and the change in her is so drastic. She has been refusing to go to school so now the school and social workers are involved and it feels as if they, as professionals, are really stumped as to what to do with her. What do you do with an almost grown girl who absolutely refuses to listen or act as she should? I have found myself allowing certain things to happen that I do NOT agree with because I just want to keep her at home and not out in danger. She has times when she is back to her normal lovely self and I think thank god we've turned a corner but the pattern seems to be that's its only a matter of time before she turns again and it all goes to pot-no school, abusive, angry, not caring etc etc when she turns I feel scared of her and for my young son and have quite often had to leave the house....she has so much power! I try so hard to get the balance right of disciplining her and setting boundaries but also letting her know I'm there for her because if she is caught up in a gang or being groomed then she needs a safe haven. I'm so worried she's from a lovely family and has so much love I just don't understand what's happened. Has anyone got a similar story or any advice? Struggling!!

Sahara you need to start a new discussion thread if you want some helpful responses to your difficult situation.

......further to my last post...she announced last night she is missing band, which we pay termly for, to go and meet some lad in town. Second time she has done this, and since we share lifts with someone else is complicated. Told her she would have to get the bus to town as we weren't on pick up and had arranged to do something else. She wasn't super happy but agreed, and agreed to keep us in the picture if it involved us (and lifts!) in future. However, dropped her off at band, then hubby phoned me asking if I'd been in his wallet and taken his bus pass card (which we put money on) I hadn't, but SHE had! Texted her and told her was picking it up, which I did.
Am unhappy cos she took the card without asking, if she'd have asked he'd have probably lent it her. She is now without I pad for at lest 48 hours (will have to check how much was last time...told her each time she lied/took things which weren't hers the time would increase)
Don't know what to do...communication isn't brilliant as she spends a lot of time in her room on phone/face time/internet...mostly to boys.

Any ideas?!

With my son, his electrical items get taken to my place of work and left there when he steps out of line. They only get given back when he's behaved himself for a week as well doing extraordinary things - jobs without being asked etc