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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Advice needed

20 replies

Fressia · 30/09/2013 10:02

Ok so been to meeting at the school they are saying that my daughters behaviour is so bad at school rate she goin will be kicked out by Xmas , they suggest I take 2 weeks off work and concentrate on her ? Financial I can't afford this at all especially so close to Xmas , also 2 other younger siblings 8&10 ! So would mean financial would affect them ! She is 14 won't listen to me , swears at me mostly via text , won't stay in if told ! Family liaison worker is involved , cahms we have had 1 app which was like getting blood out of stone !! What do I do x

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 30/09/2013 21:54

Can you move her school now? That way she won't have an exclusion on her record and a fresh start might be what she needs?

Original poster

Fressia · 01/10/2013 01:43

She was attacked at a different school last October , moved to this one in march but she lost all faith in school as it was a pre meditated attack and the school were pre warned ? She has already had odd days of exclusion x

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MiniMonty · 01/10/2013 01:49

Is her home life calm and stable?
Is she encouraged to do homework and "play the game" at school ?
Does she have good role models?

Original poster

Fressia · 01/10/2013 04:08

Her home life is calm & 2 younger siblings at home , seems to do homework , it's her attitude towards me general bad ect ! She is always praised if had good day at school ect but she can sway to awful behaviour ? I'm trying to be more consistent and firm at home all time , and getting into no arguements over petty things any bad language to me I'm firm and say I'm not goin to be spoken to like that consequence s for this for example last week I didn't give her lifts anywhere due to behaviour x

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flow4 · 01/10/2013 08:34

I sympathise Fressia. When my DS was 15, he was excluded for 2 weeks, and I did have to take that time off work. I was self-employed, and lost a big job as a result, and let people down, and it created huge stress and cost me thousands.

When you have a 'troubled' teen it often seems like you have to weigh up impossible things and pick the least-impossible. You can't take 2 weeks off work; but on the other hand, if your DD does get kicked out of school, you will be forced to take more time off than that to sort things out... So if you think some time together would actually help, a week or two now is probably worth considering...

Or you could put it to her straight: she needs to improve her behaviour because it's interfering with your work. You will take a week off if she thinks it would help to spend some extra time with you... But after that, if you have to take any more time off, money will be very tight at Christmas, and you won't be buying her a present...

flow4 · 01/10/2013 08:39

Oh and btw, I think I'd stop sanctioning the bad language... You can still challenge it and make your dislike clear ("Please don't speak to me like that!" or "Did you mean to be so rude?!") but I wouldn't go so far as to withdraw lifts, or you 'run out' of sanctions for more serious things!

Original poster

Fressia · 01/10/2013 08:53

Flow thanks for some fab advise , ok will bear that in mind re lifts , will have a think I actually have 5 days off as off Tom , I work nights you see .
I really appreciate your advice as I see your feedback on this site is always helpful x

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flow4 · 01/10/2013 09:57

Oh you're welcome. :) This place was a lifeline for me at some of the worst times...

If you've got some days off coming up, can I make a suggestion? Can you arrange care for the other two, and take your DD out for the day? Don't even try to discuss any of this (yet)... Just do something enjoyable together.

I know that can be difficult - I remember a lot of the time my DS and I were too angry to spend much time together (him with life, me with him...) - but I reckon it's worth a try. It's so easy to get into a downward spiral with teens...

If a day doesn't feel possible, even an hour or two would be a start... Lunch, a film, something like that...?

It sounds to me like she's very angry (maybe about the assault, or moving schools, or the new school, or something else - there are so many possibilities...) and because she's 'acting out', and is making you and prob all the other adults in her life angry with her, she's lost all her 'allies', even you. Teenagers do seem to need an adult 'on their side', ideally their parent - I reck

flow4 · 01/10/2013 09:58

Oops, sorry!
I reckon it's at least worth trying to offer a bit of an olive branch, and see if it makes any difference... :)

Original poster

Fressia · 01/10/2013 14:24

I'm def goin to try this thank very much , like u say it is very easy to get stuck In a downward spiral I will def try to get a few hrs with her I think just us time would be good maybe she will open up a bit ! Will keep u posted flow x

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Original poster

Fressia · 01/10/2013 23:59

Flow today I spent couple hrs together on our own , we went to macdonalds & pet shop which she thoughely enjoyed was really nice I thanked her for our time , she says she wouldn't have issues with truanting if they would let her just sit in the Libuary to do her own work x

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MiniMonty · 02/10/2013 01:52

One of my tactics with DS (14) is to let him know (honestly and without any holding back) what his behaviour might cost me and the whole family. I think teens sometimes need to be included fully in the adult network - and given the full adult version of what might happen next - to everyone.

i.e. I might have to take two weeks off work - which means I'll lose my job - which means you'll lose all and any money I might give you - we might then lose the house... etc etc etc (no drama - just complete reality). I think they sometimes appreciate the honesty and are equally shocked by the reality that their behaviour can have far reaching consequences for the whole family.

flow4 · 02/10/2013 04:47

Yeah, I agree with that, MiniM - if you can keep it factual and avoid 'guilt tripping', cos IME that makes teens (and anyone, for that matter) angry...

Fressia, that sounds positive. :) Now you've got an opportunity to go back to and say something that shows you're 'on her side', like "I've been thinking about what you told me yesterday, about wanting to stay in the library... School can be a very stressful place, can't it..?"

Then the conversation could go several different ways...

She might open up to you more about what's going on. It doesn't seem normal to me that she wants to be isolated from her peers and I wonder why...?
You can help her work out why, if she's not consciously aware of the reasons.
You can offer to ask the school if she can do that when things get stressful (Tho I'd be careful not to raise her expectations, and say something like "Well, I don't know if the school will let you do that, but do you want me to ask them for you?")
You can offer to help her work out other strategies and 'survival tactics' for school, and help mediate/negotiate with school on her behalf..
You can maybe reassure her about some things; it sounds like some of her bad behaviour might be a sort of panic response...

Even if none of these positive things happen, and she jousts screams or swears at you or tells you you don't understand and storms off... Well, you've still planted a seed and given her the idea that (a) her problems, whatever they are, might be solveable, and (b) you can be her friend, not her enemy... :)

And at least that doesn't add to the downward spiral... :)

flow4 · 02/10/2013 04:49

Ha! I meant 'just' not 'jousts' of course, but it's kind of appropriate!

cory · 02/10/2013 08:27

Sounds like you could do with some probing here. Flow's suggestion of a panic response seems very plausible. Is there bullying at this new school? Or if there isn't, has her experience at her last school just made her lost trust in the adults at school in general?

Dd went to pieces in her lovely supportive secondary because she had had a crap experience at junior school and simply couldn't get herself to believe that this time somebody would listen. She was just getting flashbacks to the bad old times and they made her body shut down.

She knew with her brain that she was wrong, but her emotions just wouldn't let her accept it: every time a stress trigger came up she went into meltdown and school refused.

We worked with the school to find a solution; they ended up letting her work in the exclusion unit except for her core subjects. She is now at college doing a full day and a long commute and coping absolutely fine.

Original poster

Fressia · 02/10/2013 19:50

Flow she has been excluded today for 5 days for getting in a fight , yest we had good day I took y advice & spent few hrs with her ????xx

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flow4 · 02/10/2013 20:39

I'm sorry, Fressia. I remember how stressful that is. Looking on the bright side at least your days off mean you won't lose too much pay or have to explain it to your employer...

You'll have time to talk to her. I think something is wrong, though maybe she doesn't know what. And I reckon it's time for a conversation like the one MiniM outlines above: she really does need to understand how her behaviour could affect you and the rest of her family.

Original poster

Fressia · 02/10/2013 21:13

Yes I have had a brief conversation tonight and have been out and got some work bits for her to do at home and have told her no goin out as she has just walked out of house before ! Big meeting next wed at school .
We have had a initial assessment with cahms they want to see her again but she doesn't want to maybe I could try push that a bit more ! Xx

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Palika · 04/10/2013 16:21

I would definitely sanction the 'little' things like bad language. (it's not little in my book anyway). It's nipping the negativity in the bud that is extremely important. That is what schools do - not allowing the slightest little thing, so that they do not need to deal with the 'big' things.

Palika · 04/10/2013 16:22

but being strict is not enough. You also need to get a loving relationship going through out all the upset. I know, not easy. I found the book 'Parenting-out-of-control-teenagers' very useful. My son is much much better now.

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