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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

15 yr old son point blank refusing to come on family holiday day before we leave

126 replies

mulranno · 23/08/2013 23:14

what do we do?....force him into the car at gun point?....he says because it is the last week of the holidays and all his mates are back from their breaks and loads of parties that he doesn't want to miss

OP posts:
exexpat · 23/08/2013 23:19

Are there any of his friends' families you know well enough (and trust) to ask if he could stay? Possibly a few days each at a couple of families?

I wouldn't be at all happy about him dictating to you, but a 15 year old who doesn't want to be there could make the whole holiday a misery for all of you (I remember my sister being like that; I think our last family holiday was when she was 15 and I was 13 - from 15 I went on holiday by myself, youth-hostelling with friends).

If you want to make a point, you could make sure your next holiday is something/somewhere he'd really like, and not book a place for him.

Original poster
mulranno · 23/08/2013 23:43

We could leave him with family and/or our friends - but I don't want to be dictated to and I don't want to impose a responsibility for picking him up getting him home in the evenings. My sister left her 15 yr old daughter with our Aunt and she respected the 8pm curfew (which she doent often do with her parents) - maybe I should trust him? Not sure if this is wher we put down a boundary and stick to it - or as in this case he shouts loud enough and gets his own way - I suppose it isa judgement call about picking battles

OP posts:
BeQuicksieorBeDead · 23/08/2013 23:47

Does he appreciate how lucky he is to be offered a holiday in the first place?

Chl0e · 23/08/2013 23:49

Can you tell him that you've told the police he's there on his own. Deter him from partying. Two weeks of loneliness will do him good.

MortifiedAdams · 23/08/2013 23:51

I really dont know how you get to this point. I wouldnt dare have dictated to my parents at 15.

justanuthermanicmumsday · 23/08/2013 23:53

if I was your close friend I would advise you a firm flat no. He never gave you notice, you had this planned and paid for . It's utterly disrespectful and selfish behaviour. He is still a minor in the eyes of the law you are the boss .

We are in times now where kids have become the masters of their parents. it's all me me me and if I shout loud enough ill get what I want. parents waiting on kids doing as they say, expecting mummy and daddy to line their coffers. I'm not suggesting you are such a parent but its the way of the world sadly I've seen too many kids like this locally and it starts with unreasonable demands, and breaking rules and boundaries . Had he told you at the time you booked the holiday or even soon after maybe you could have done something. But now it is too late.

If they are good friends they can wait, and im sure they'll be plenty more parties he's only 15 many years of that awaits him if that rocks his boat.

valiumredhead · 23/08/2013 23:58

It wouldn't be open for discussion the day before leaving in this house!

FixItUpChappie · 24/08/2013 00:04

Well if it comes down to it and he wont get in the car....I'd let him stay with approved friends (because what choice will you have?) but he would be heavily sanctioned - tv cut off in the house, internet cut off, phone if applicable cut off, no allowance...whatever his hook is would be seriously pulled because it is extremely selfish behaviour as noted above.

Kendodd · 24/08/2013 00:05

I'm guessing he knew about the holiday all along? How did he feel at the time of booking? Did he say then that he didn't want to go or has he been all for it before today? If this is a new thing and the first you've heard, tough, he's got to go. If he's been protesting all along maybe you should have been more sympathetic and made other plans for him?

BTW I'd be quite worried about all these parties he wants to go to.

poppingin1 · 24/08/2013 00:10

What the hell???

Be the parent and tell him it is non negotiable.

I would also be worried about these parties.

Is it just me who thinks children should know by this age that they do not dictate what happens in the home? Am I too strict?

Sorry OP, I would not tolerate this.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 24/08/2013 00:10

If he was asking not to come, I'd consider it depending on how important to me it was that he was there, if I thought he would actually enjoy it once there and who else could have him. If he was telling me he wasn't coming, he would be in that car. End of. I take no prisoners if you piss me off. He would be told that if he spent the holiday with a face on him, he would lose all priviledges for the foreseeable.

LadyStark · 24/08/2013 00:17

Very important battle for you to win in my opinion. I'd probably give him two options, stay at home and he pays for his flight and accommodation costs you've effectively lost (so no allowance for months), removal of Xbox, Internet, phone etc until above money is paid off. I'd also make him stay with my most challenging/strict friend or relative.

Or he comes and enjoys himself.

Kendodd · 24/08/2013 00:19

I'd probably give him two options, stay at home and he pays for his flight and accommodation costs you've effectively lost

Yes but what if he's been saying all along "I don't want to go, I don't want to go, I don't want to go" and nobody listened?

WeAreSeven · 24/08/2013 00:20

I just asked ds2 for his opinion as he is nearly 15.
He was Shock and said "Seriously? He can hang around all year with his friends and you only get one chance to go on holiday!"
He also says that none of his friends' parents would allow themselves to be dictated to about something like that and that they would all be told they were going and that's that.

LittleBearPad · 24/08/2013 00:21

He can see his friends next week. I presume an airplane ticket, room etc have been booked? Then he sticks to the original plan.

PeriodMath · 24/08/2013 00:23

Parties? At 15? I presume he's going into year 11 in September? I think you have bigger problems than holidays OP.

LadyStark · 24/08/2013 00:29

Kendodd - he's 15 and it's a holiday, not a week in a torture chamber!

Kendodd · 24/08/2013 00:32

I remember feeling like that at 15 though, my view counted for nothing, and it felt like a week in a torture chamber (slight exaggeration!)

DioneTheDiabolist · 24/08/2013 00:34

Why not parties at 15 Period?Confused

Original poster
mulranno · 24/08/2013 00:42

He did know about it all summer - and it is just today that he has said NO -- he is not asking - just demanding. His point is that he has been bored all summer missed his friends and the timing is wrong - as they are all back and have now planned lots of get togethers for the last week before school starts and he misses out as this is the one week we choose to to away.....

No extra costs involved as we drive to the same house in France every year. Not sure of the relevance of "Parties? at 15?" - 2 year olds go to parties....!

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 24/08/2013 00:53

Well, as I said, if he was mine he would be in that car tomorrow and would be told very clearly that if he sulked/spoilt it for everyone else then his life would not be worth living when we got home. End of. If you start letting HIM dictate what is happening now, your life will be a misery. Your roof, your rules and all that. He is still a child.

FreckledLeopard · 24/08/2013 01:31

I did the same thing aged 16 - refused point blank to go on a schook skiing trip the week before we were due to depart. My mother was not happy.

In my defence, I was miserable as sin at school and the thought of having to toe the line and adhere to school rules and culture in the holidays was too much.

Not sure what to suggest - will your son have a rational conversation?

Cloudkitten · 24/08/2013 01:55

Hmm... it's quite simple
TOUGH, TOUGH and TOUGH!

For lots of reasons:

If you are struggling with boundaries at 15 and give in, you will have zero chance at 16, 17 and 18.
Plus no matter where you send him (aunties or whatever) do you really think he won't be back at yours in the day/evening???? Don't you think one of these parties might actually be planned for YOUR house?!?
He is still a minor.
He is too young to be going to the kind of parties I imagine he wants to be going to.
Particularly knowing that his parents are well out of the way Hmm
The reason he has sprung this on you is exactly because he is hoping you will cave in with the sprung surprise tactic.

If you want to be able to trust him it should be something that YOU (as the parent) has chosen or at least has been jointly agreed, not something that HE has selected for you to close your eyes and hope nothing goes wrong.

He needs a life lesson or two
a) You do not dictate to your parents and get away with it
b) You should be grateful for getting a holiday at all
c) You do not spring situations upon your parents and get away with it. Occasionally, a mature request, well made, with time for all parties to consider options, may be approved. This is not that mature request.
d) 15 is too young to be going to parties where the parents are not there to oversee what time and what state he arrives back in.
e) Yes - you do whatever needed to get him on the holiday including threats of grounding. It's time to step up, get tough and mean it.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 24/08/2013 01:59

Id be saying tough, you don't dictate at 15 the day before your due to go away

Sunnysummer · 24/08/2013 02:00

2 year olds have parties, but the most dangerous substance involved is usually food colouring. I'd be ok with a 15 year old going to parties, but only if he knows that he's going to have to face his parents when he gets home.

Fwiw, people saying it would never happen to my DCs/family/generation may just never have had a naturally tricky teenager - plenty of our grandparent's generation acted out, if ou read old newspaper accounts of 'apprentices drinking in the streets' and the like, and I'm one of 5, with 4 of us being boringly obedient and 1 who had a nightmare adolescence, but is now a responsible family man in a nice steady job in the suburbs Wink it just took a lot of patience to get there!

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