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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son gets older woman pregnant-Advice please

101 replies

tassigirl · 23/08/2013 09:48

Please I just don't know what to say to my 17yr old son who has gotten a 26yr old pregnant, he hasn't told me, but has told his father & sister, so he is worried Im going to blow my top, which Im not, but I also don't know what to say either. She isn't his girlfriend he is carefree with his lovelife as is she(having been with numerous of his friends). He is apparently going to do the 'right thing' whatever that is. He has no steady job. I just don't know what to say when deep down I think she is just a person who has decided its time for her to have a baby & my son was the choice. I truly believe that in this day and age that a woman that age there is no excuse for getting pregnant with all the contraception available. Not that I don't blame my son either, having supplied him a never ending supply of condoms ourselves with the mandatory lecture on using the dam things. She has said she doesn't want a relationship with him.. But were does that leave him, just a money source for the next 18yrs?? Sad

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 23/08/2013 16:36

You could be paying him and the way he was parented a HUGE disservice.
Perhaps he really is going to keenly want to be in his child's life?

Original poster
tassigirl · 24/08/2013 03:42

Sorry it seems like I'm ignoring ur comments, I'm in oz, so time difference is somewhat different. Thanks for all your great feedback, I certainly didn't want to start an immorality argument. I will certainly insist on th STD tests & paternity. Yes we met her once socially at a party with our sons friends, at that stage there was nothing going on between her & our son, first impression was a giggling fruit loop, & half the fellas there were talking of her disgustingly, which I didnt appreciate anyway, I felt sorry for her really, she's the local bar wench that never goes home alone and was a joke amongst them all.a sad person. He's scared, of course he doenst want to be a father, and he should have been more careful, but now that it's done, he has no choices, it's all her. It's hard to get excited by the expectation of a grandchild, when I'm filled with worry, not only of my son & his dramatically changed future, but also of the child's, we are not in much of a financial position to help much, and wages for a 17yr old are hardly going to support a family. Yes I guess all we can do is offer emotional support and baby sitting duties. Naturally we want to be apart of babies life, I'm not sure how this woman is going to be with us yet, and how much of us she wants around as she has told our son she's not interested in a relationship. He isn't either, but again he wants to do the right thing, I'm pretty sure he dosnt even know what that means. I just don't know how to approach all this with them. It's just a complete stuff up all round. I want to box his ears for sure! And slap her down while I'm at it. Just kidding.

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 24/08/2013 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOneAndOnlyFell · 24/08/2013 08:02

Venus are you for real? Seriously? Your SEVENTEEN year old son, barely out of short trousers gets a 26 year old woman he barely knows, who has been working her way around all of his friends he barely knows, and you'd be delighted?

Fucking hell.

TheOneAndOnlyFell · 24/08/2013 08:04

Sorry that was garbled. It's early and I'm still fuming from Venus's comment. I'll try again:

your 17 year old, barely out of short trousers, gets a 26 year old woman he barely knows and who has been sleeping her way around all of his friends PG, and you'd be delighted?

et cetera.

Whoatethelastcremeegg · 24/08/2013 08:24

OP, I'm so sorry. You must be devastated; this is not what we want for our children. No words of advice, other than to support him rather than be angry with him. He won't forget your support at this difficult time in his life. It will be little comfort now, but a similar thing happened to an ex student of mine. He now has an excellent relationship with the baby's mother and adores his daughter. I agree with the posters who advise you to make an effort to build a relationship with this woman, as difficult as it will be. I wish you and your son all the best, and I hope someone is supporting you through this.

Madamecastafiore · 24/08/2013 09:06

Giggling fruit loop???

Sounds like maybe your son was the one taking advantage of someone too?

expatinscotland · 24/08/2013 09:13

Get a DNA test. It might not even be his.

Tiredemma · 24/08/2013 09:16

This is the stuff of my nightmares.

lottieandmia · 24/08/2013 09:21

'Jesus, a 26 year old grown woman shagging around with a bunch of 17 year old boys?

That is really grim.

I feel terribly sorry for your son.'

Sure, it's almost always societies job to blame the woman and feel sorry for the poor man. After all, men don't really have a choice about sticking their penises into people Hmm

OP, it's an unfortunate situation. But I don't know what you can do other than say 'next time use a condom'. The woman will be the one to decide whether she has the child or not and actually I think her age is pretty irrelevant. If she were 17 as well he would still have to pay child support.

lottieandmia · 24/08/2013 09:23

I agree that it would be reasonable to do a DNA test though.

heartisaspade · 24/08/2013 09:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOneAndOnlyFell · 24/08/2013 09:27

Sure, it's almost always societies job to blame the woman and feel sorry for the poor man.

What utter nonsense. I'd say by and large throughout history the opposite has usually been true.

lottieandmia · 24/08/2013 09:28

To suggest grooming is ridiculous - 17 is not a child it is almost old enough to go to university. It is over the age of consent.

lottieandmia · 24/08/2013 09:30

Really TheOne? Not from where I sit. Women are almost always blamed by a misogynistic society for unplanned pregnancies and for 'trapping' men.

TheOneAndOnlyFell · 24/08/2013 09:34

Only in recent years perhaps, since easily obtained, free and safe contraception and the ability to bring up child alone with help from the state, and help to chase the father for maintenance, as opposed to enforced adoption or being thrown into the workhouse.

In days gone by, when the only kind of contraception available was a condom, or nothing at all, it would all be about the cad of a man 'getting the girl pregnant' as though she had absolutely no say in any of the process.

The simple fact is that both people are equally to blame (unless it as rape obviously) if they were both complicit in having sex knowing that there was no contraception involved at all.

Hebemajeebe · 24/08/2013 09:50

My DH and his then girlfriend had a baby when they were both 19. Ok a little older than your DS but not by much and DH was initially devastated at the news - it was the last thing he wanted with someone who he was rapidly realising was not for him and at the start of his university years and career. It has not been easy at all. But, he now has a really lovely son who he adores and despite all the numerous difficulties is really glad it happened. As are all the rest of the family though they too felt the same way to start with. It has been hard and it isn't the way anyone wanted but his life certainly isn't over.

lottieandmia · 24/08/2013 10:07

'The simple fact is that both people are equally to blame'

Absolutely, no argument from me there.

Original poster
tassigirl · 24/08/2013 10:56

...........so how do I open up the conversation, how do I advise, when he asks us "what do I do"?
I border on crying & then anger at their stupidity. I need to stay calm before I attempt anything. I know.
It's such a feeling of helplessness.

OP posts:
lottieandmia · 24/08/2013 11:27

What were his plans before this happened? Is he still in education?

JenaiMorris · 24/08/2013 11:30

I think a person, regardless of sex, of 26 is more culpable than one of 17. But blame isn't going to help anyone here.

fwiw I had two unplanned pregnancies in my mid to late 20s. Both down to fuckwittery on my part.

JenaiMorris · 24/08/2013 11:34

Sorry, tass. I don't know. Offer support I suppose - but that's a pretty trite piece of advice really.

Hear him out? Don't focus on the negatives of whichever route the woman takes?

MortifiedAdams · 24/08/2013 11:35

The fact of the mattet is that the legal age of consent is 16. He is 17. Therefore deemed old enough to deal with sex botg pgysically and emotionally.

Grooming should only apply in this instance if there has been history of sexual attention from her prior to his meeting the age of consent.

There is NO rule that states the age of consent only applies to partners of similar age.

OP you need to both sit down over a cup of tea. make notes before hand if you think it will help. When he asks what to do you advise him to:

*Attend scans and appointments as per her invites
*Read up.on some practical parenting advice, read up on feeding, bathing, safe sleeping for baby etc
*Speak to her, to arrange paternity tests post birth
*go to the gum clinic
*respect her wishes.on the birth - whether she wants him there
*visit baby and try to bond with it prior to paternity results

Everything else can be decided once the LO is here.

Fairenuff · 24/08/2013 11:50

tassigirl is there another person you could go to to get all the crying and anger out? A close friend, a partner? It's perfectly fine, of course, to feel like this and to be so very disappointed but really it would be best not to show it to your son right now.

In his presence you should aim to be calm, thoughtful, sensitive, practical and possibly even throw in a little humour to lighten the mood, if appropriate.

You see, anything you say to him regarding the mess he is in, he will know already. He doesn't need to hear that he's made a mistake, ruined his life, made difficulties for everyone, tied himself down and all that.

He knows all that already. Why not just ask him what he needs. Does he work? Is he in further education, or what?

purpleroses · 24/08/2013 16:38

A good friend of mine was conceived in very similar circumstances. Her dad was 18 when she was born and still at school. Mum was 26 with a string of other partners. Her dad went on to finish his education and get a degree. She lived with her mum who settled down a bit though tbh was never a great parent. Despite never living with her dad my friend has a good relationship with him and says that he and his mum were always there for her when she needed them - eg when she fell out with her mum. Her dad went on to marry and have 2 more children. He and my friend's mum still get on well as mates. In the long run I don't think anyone would look back and describe her birth as a disaster - though I would guess it may have looked that way at the time.

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