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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Son gets older woman pregnant-Advice please

101 replies

tassigirl · 23/08/2013 09:48

Please I just don't know what to say to my 17yr old son who has gotten a 26yr old pregnant, he hasn't told me, but has told his father & sister, so he is worried Im going to blow my top, which Im not, but I also don't know what to say either. She isn't his girlfriend he is carefree with his lovelife as is she(having been with numerous of his friends). He is apparently going to do the 'right thing' whatever that is. He has no steady job. I just don't know what to say when deep down I think she is just a person who has decided its time for her to have a baby & my son was the choice. I truly believe that in this day and age that a woman that age there is no excuse for getting pregnant with all the contraception available. Not that I don't blame my son either, having supplied him a never ending supply of condoms ourselves with the mandatory lecture on using the dam things. She has said she doesn't want a relationship with him.. But were does that leave him, just a money source for the next 18yrs?? Sad

OP posts:
JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/08/2013 13:30

He's a victim the same way any teenager groomed by an adult for sex is a victim.

They don't always believe themselves to have been coerced. That doesn't mean they weren't.

A 26 year old woman should not be having sex with teenage boys.

The difference in maturity is enormous and the potential for exploitation huge.

Just because the law says he was old enough to consent doesn't mean he was.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2013 13:34

But where are you getting this from Join. Where does the OP say he was groomed?

A 17 year old being up for some no-strings sex is hardly breaking news.

TheAwfulDaughter · 23/08/2013 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/08/2013 13:38

Just because a 17 year old is up for no-strings sex, doesn't make it OK for a 26 year old to take advantage of them.

I'm getting this from their ages.

To my mind there is no unproblematic sex between a 17 year old and a 26 year old.

This kid had no idea what he was letting himself in for when he decided to sleep with this woman. I feel desperately sorry for him.

SilverApples · 23/08/2013 13:40

It does give a 17 year old of either gender a distorted idea of what a relationship should be, at a time when they lack experience of sustained emotional bonds with people not in their family.
'A 17 year girl old being up for some no-strings sex is hardly breaking news.'

Doesn't that call into question why someone so young is shagging around with multiple partners? Or is it old-fashioned to think that relationships should be somewhat more complex and involve a level of commitment?
Is that why so many relationships fail, the idea that sex and any sort of fidelity to one person is silly?

DuelingFanjo · 23/08/2013 13:40

If the OP's son was 17 and his girlfriend 18 but all the other circumstances were the same would you still think he'd been groomed?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/08/2013 13:43

"If the OP's son was 17 and his girlfriend 18 but all the other circumstances were the same would you still think he'd been groomed?"

Of course not.

Two teenagers versus a teen and an adult in her mid twenties?

Not even a little bit the same.

MortifiedAdams · 23/08/2013 13:43

Maybe the OP doesnt want to enter into a morality argument.

Maybe she needs support and practical advice.

SilverApples · 23/08/2013 13:46

We've done that though, she's not returned to comment.

DuelingFanjo · 23/08/2013 13:48

what about if she was 21?

22?

24?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/08/2013 13:48

I'm not making a morality argument.

I'm making an argument about the kind of support her son might need, given what has happened to him, as I see it.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2013 13:50

Sorry Join I'm just not seeing how the age difference alone makes it grooming.

I really don't think there is any point in trying to apportion blame. It doesn't help anyone.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/08/2013 13:56

Fair enough.

I think the age difference is enough to raise serious questions.

I think any 26 year old seeking a sexual relationship with a 17 year old is grooming them.

If he were my son I would be concerned about this aspect of what had happened.

CockyFox · 23/08/2013 14:09

I think all you can do is support him OP, but I agree if you can encourage him to have a DNA test if he has any doubt. It isn't what anyone would want for their child but you have to make the best of it if you can.
And as for join I got with my DH when he was 26 and I was 17. We had 'unproblematic sex' on our first date and we are still having it now I am 30 and he is 39.

TheOneAndOnlyFell · 23/08/2013 14:37

He's a victim the same way any teenager groomed by an adult for sex is a victim.

They don't always believe themselves to have been coerced. That doesn't mean they weren't.

I agree with that. I think. Confused I don't think that 17 year olds can't possibly know their own minds where sex is concerned, but I do think that the overwhelming opinion on MN if it were a 17 year old girl and a 26 yo man would be that she was groomed/coerced to an extent, and that her naivety was taken advantage of.

If we are going to feel that about a 17 yo girl, then we also have to be prepared to feel the same about a 17 yo boy.

tywysogesgymraeg · 23/08/2013 15:20

Absolutely not Groupiegirl

lljkk · 23/08/2013 15:25

(flashback to the Archers 4 yrs ago, 17yo Pip dating the self-centred Jude who was 11 yrs older).

Damn, it's weird, but I don't remember words like "groomed" being bandied around on MN or TA at the time, either.

That language wasn't used in The Reader, either (boy was 15, woman was 31-32).

Seriously silly season on MN, perchance?

ChippingInHopHopHop · 23/08/2013 15:47

This kid had no idea what he was letting himself in for when he decided to sleep with this woman

Don't 17 year olds know that is how babies are made Hmm

17 year old up for no string sex - who'd have thought??

She is very odd for wanting to have sex with 17 year old boys - but it's not like she's in her 30's or 40's. I don't expect someone her age to 'know better'. They have both been sleeping around. They are both irresponsible and are now paying the price. I would be fuming with HIM.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/08/2013 15:58

I'm not sure the average 17 year old can or should be expected to understand that the adult who want to sleep with them might have their own agenda that is bigger than "no strings sex".

SilverApples · 23/08/2013 16:01

So he should go on and live his life, and be prepared to pay his 15% when he has something in the way of wages. And be more careful with contraception if he decides to have sex again.
OP hasn't said anything about how her DS feels about imminent fatherhood, he hasn't even told her directly.
Mother doesn't want a relationship with him, the OP said that as well.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 23/08/2013 16:09

JYP - it doesn't matter. He is 17, he knows sex can result in pregnancy. That was all he needed to know & do something about, to not end up in this situation. He's not emotionally distressed because she doesn't love him, didn't marry him or anything else... he has not been led to believe this was a proper relationship - it was sex, pure and simple.

SilverApples · 23/08/2013 16:11

Sex, pure and simple.
Cash for the consequence.
If it is his.

VenusRising · 23/08/2013 16:15

Congratulations!
Your DS is going to be a dad, and you a GM!

Have you met the mother of your grandchild? Could you build a relationship there?
How is your DS's mood?
Is he going to try and be involved, or will the mother leave his name off the birth cert.

Personally, though i know its probably no help, I'd be delighted!

JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/08/2013 16:25

I don't believe there is "sex pure and simple" between a 17 year old and an adult woman in her mid twenties.

I don't think there was anything pure or simple about it.

I think it was seedy and exploitative.

And I feel sorry for him.

He has no idea what he's just done. Really.

I barely knew what I had done when I got pregnant on purpose at 31 with my husband.

I really hope the OP can support him through this. 17 year olds are still very immature.

bellabom · 23/08/2013 16:33

For way my opinion is worth, if she was simply picking a "money source" for her baby I'm sure she would have picked someone a little older with a job... she's the worst gold digger in the world!! Wink

Also when I was in my mid twenties I had a couple of fling with (okay) 18 year olds. Nothing wrong with it an the other way around no one would bat an eye. I wouldn't have wanted a relationship with them however as they were around 20 years away from maturity!!

You must feel incredibly pissed off though, it's not what anyone would want for their son, not at all. So sad. But he is equally to blame and you should be proud that he wants to do the right thing.