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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Son gets older woman pregnant-Advice please

101 replies

tassigirl · 23/08/2013 09:48

Please I just don't know what to say to my 17yr old son who has gotten a 26yr old pregnant, he hasn't told me, but has told his father & sister, so he is worried Im going to blow my top, which Im not, but I also don't know what to say either. She isn't his girlfriend he is carefree with his lovelife as is she(having been with numerous of his friends). He is apparently going to do the 'right thing' whatever that is. He has no steady job. I just don't know what to say when deep down I think she is just a person who has decided its time for her to have a baby & my son was the choice. I truly believe that in this day and age that a woman that age there is no excuse for getting pregnant with all the contraception available. Not that I don't blame my son either, having supplied him a never ending supply of condoms ourselves with the mandatory lecture on using the dam things. She has said she doesn't want a relationship with him.. But were does that leave him, just a money source for the next 18yrs??

OP posts:

TheOneAndOnlyFell · 23/08/2013 11:02

I think we can assume she does want the baby. I doubt the OP (or indeed her son) would even get to know about it if she didn't.

stooshe · 23/08/2013 11:03

Sorry about this. Your son needs to state his intentions towards his future child, this is a baby, not a dolly to make his sexual partner happy as her biological clock is ticking down. Always make sure that your son is rational during his exchanges with the woman as she sounds manipulative and VERY immature. It goes without saying that your son has to "man" up, which would include using condoms EVERY time he has sex and not shagging women that his mates have (sigh).
I suppose the next logical step are the practicalities. Is your son in education or on the dole? If it is the latter, he has to get a job. If he is studying, he still has to get a job. He has to be made to realise that things done changed. The whys and wherefores of the genesis of the pregnancy and what was going through the mind of the woman, doesn't have any bearing on the fact that children need to be fed and watered.
It goes without saying that I would be cheesed off as you, too, in this situation, but don't make that stop your family from doing the right thing with your son and on behalf of him ( and future grandchild).

TheOneAndOnlyFell · 23/08/2013 11:04

Really Schmaltzing? He is not in a relationship with this woman and he is little more than a child with no income, no desire to be a father right now and no choice. Short of an accident or serious illness or going to prison it's about as disastrous as it gets in my book.

stooshe · 23/08/2013 11:16

I hope that OP can help drag a very sleazy situation into some kind of niceness. Say what you want to say about the easily led seventeen year old MALE in this situation, but if it was the male who was shagging a group of teenagers being the wrong side of twenty five, I suspect a completely different tone would be taken amongst us. Yes this situation is sleazy ( the way the OP described it), but with the letting go of anger and immediate confirmation from the son and woman as to what is going on , the outcome will be good. Sometimes you have to "make shit shine".

SilverApples · 23/08/2013 11:19

She gets 15% of whatever he earns. So how much does he earn OP?
Currently, with my 18 year old, that would be around £15 a week.

Mollydoggerson · 23/08/2013 11:20

it is not disasterous.

The blame is completely pointless and very toxic.

This woman will be the mother of the OP's grandchild, if they want a relationship with their grandchild they should remember to treat it's mother with courtesy.

LifeofPo · 23/08/2013 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mollydoggerson · 23/08/2013 11:31

The age difference is nine years, not that unusual at all.

By the OP's account her son is pretty carefree about who he sleeps with also. Both parties are sexually carefree, both were aware of the consequences. Both now need to face up to their responsibilities.

The baby will not be at fault becuase of it's conception details.

LifeofPo · 23/08/2013 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mollydoggerson · 23/08/2013 11:34

It may or may not be, many people don't mature that much at all over nine years. Regardless this woman did not rape the 17 year old boy, he entered into their sexual liaison completely of his own free will.

SmileAndPeopleSmileWithYou · 23/08/2013 11:34

Join I agree with you that she shouldn't be sleeping with 17yo boys. But my comment was about contraception. You can use contraception correctly and still get pregnant.

They have both made silly choices but it won't do any good placing blame on this woman and making judgments about her if she is going to be around for the next 18 years.

Focus should be on supporting your son OP. Try to enjoy your grandchild without all the Jeremy Kyle crap that could arise from this.

absentmindeddooooodles · 23/08/2013 11:35

Ok fair enough its not the most ideal of situations. That sside, that is a bit of a ridiculous comment about there being no excuse for getting pregnant these days. I concieved my ds on the pill. I never missed one, took it religiously everyday at the same time, no antibiotics or stomach bugs that could have affected its use. No contraception is 100%.

It may turn out she just wanted a baby or it may not. It could be a genuine suprise for both of them, and if she choses to continue with the pregnancy then he will have a child and you will have to get on with it.
Fwiw, I do find a 26 yo woman sleeping around with 17yo boys odd, but it takes two at the end of the day.

I know people who have had a baby out of a relationship, it can work. Your son helped make that baby so yes he should bloody well pay for it for the next 18 years as undoubtabley the mother will be too.

If your son does not want to risk a baby then he should not have sex. End of.

Just be supportive. He does need to do the right thing and you getting at him over it is not going to help the situation. I appreciate its a shock, but unexpected things do happen. Try and make the best of it all.

SilverApples · 23/08/2013 11:48

Everyone would feel the same if the sexes were reversed? No worries about imbalance of power or manipulation by the older partner?
I think your DS, if he is the father, should think very clearly about what he wants to do in the next decade, and see how he can support the child.
But if he was planning on college, uni and a career, then that should still be on the cards. Better job, more cash for the raising of his child.
What about the mother, is she employed? Will there be childcare issues?

SilverApples · 23/08/2013 11:49

doodles, I was on the pill too, but we used condoms as well as neither of us wanted to be parents and two methods are safer than one.

LifeofPo · 23/08/2013 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mollydoggerson · 23/08/2013 11:52

Gender reversal.

Sexually carefree 17 year old girl gets pregnant by sexually carefree 26 year old man. Man has had sex with many of her friends. Girl has a liberal attitude towards sex and has had many other sexual partners.

I wonder who would be judged most harshly.

TheOneAndOnlyFell · 23/08/2013 11:57

I don't think it would make any difference. I get the feeling you are trying to align yourself with the woman here, but I am not quite sure what point you are trying to make.

LifeofPo · 23/08/2013 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mollydoggerson · 23/08/2013 12:01

Society usually blames the woman for consentual and unplanned pregnancies.

The point I would like to make is blame is pointless. Both parties are resoponsible for their actions. The grandmother should support her son and not judge the woman who is carrying her grandchild.

SilverApples · 23/08/2013 12:02

Not at all Fell, I often get into trouble on MN for expecting the genders to be treated equally in a given situation. So occasionally I ask the question.

I'm the parent of an 18 year old boy and a 22 year old girl, and my advice on relationships and responsibility and keeping safe at night has been fairly similar for both of them.

LifeofPo · 23/08/2013 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOneAndOnlyFell · 23/08/2013 12:11

Silver sorry, my comment was to Molly. I know you brought up gender reversal as well, but Molly's angle made less sense to me.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/08/2013 12:52

Blame is not pointless.

This woman took advantage of a teenager and now that poor kid is going to be a father.

Recognising that this young man is the victim of predatory behaviour by an adult is an important part of supporting him through this extremely traumatic, life changing event.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2013 13:23

Join he is above the age of consent. He doesn't claim to have been coerced. How did she take advantage? How is he a victim?

DuelingFanjo · 23/08/2013 13:28

"This woman took advantage of a teenager and now that poor kid is going to be a father."

how did she take advantage of him?

I'm not saying that's the case but nothing in the OP suggests that he was unwilling.

I do get that the age difference is huge and I don't understand why a 26 year old adult woman would want to be having a relationship with a 17 year old but nothing in the OP suggests he was taken advantage of.

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