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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Is it ever worth wading into teenage girl friendship issues?

20 replies

ISingSoprano · 12/07/2013 16:35

DD (aged 15) has come home from school today saying that two of the girls in her group have announced they don't want to be friends with her anymore. I wouldn't normally get involved at all but we took dd, these two girls plus one other away to a festival last weekend and therefore got to know them all quite well. I am quite tempted to text one of them and ask if she has any idea why dd is so upset.

Is it ever worth getting involved or do I do as I usually do and leave well alone?

OP posts:

happystory · 12/07/2013 19:56

So hard, have been there, but in retrospective I would say no - though a mum's instinct says yes

chocoluvva · 12/07/2013 20:01

I really wouldn't text your DD's friends (unless it was an emergency). They'd feel very weird about it.

I'd try asking your DD why she thinks they've said they're going to defriend her.

Horrible for her and you.

PJM18 · 12/07/2013 21:16

Hi. I have had the same issues with my 13 yr old son. I did interfere (still can't help myself) but do regret it. I find it very difficult not to get involved and have ended up having lots of arguments with my son as I'm trying to encourage him to get new friends etc and he just wants me to leave him alone. I just felt so upset for him when his 2 best friends excluded him but in retrospect I think it's best to wait it out a bit and see what happens. Just listen to your daughter and empathise but try not to make too big a deal out of it. It's so hard as you feel really angry with the friends for doing this but you probably aren't going to be able to change things and she will learn a lot in managing the situation herself.

Titsnteeth · 12/07/2013 21:19

No don't get involved. It's really hard to stay out of it, but from experience with my dd they will be back friends again in a few weeks.

Titsnteeth · 12/07/2013 21:20

No don't get involved. It's really hard to stay out of it, but from experience with my dd they will be back friends again in a few weeks.

fortifiedwithtea · 13/07/2013 00:51

Stay well out. 15 is an odd age, they want to treated like young women one minute and children the next.

Original poster

ISingSoprano · 13/07/2013 10:32

Yep - you're all right. My instinct is to leave well alone - it's just soooo tempting to wade in sometimes! It'll be the summer holidays in a weeks time and I'm sure by the time they go back to school in September all will be well again.

OP posts:

teenagetantrums · 13/07/2013 12:54

no don't get involved my 16 year old had the same issue a few weeks ago , there is a group of five and the other four all decided they didn't want to be her friends with her, they were really cruel in my opinion , but it was drama for a few weeks, now they are all friends again, still not sure what it is all about, just be there for a shoulder to cry on and encourage to go out with other friends if she has any or take her out yourself.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 13/07/2013 12:57

Sit on your hands if you have to!

Truly, I've been there and been tempted, but in retrospect so glad I never got involved... It wouldn't do her any favours, you know, but the instinct is so strong, isn't it?

Original poster

ISingSoprano · 14/07/2013 18:34

steamingnit you are so right about the instinct. Despite the fact dd is 5" taller than me and a mass of hormonal angst she is still my baby and I would fight to the death for her if I had to!

OP posts:

Mynewmoniker · 14/07/2013 18:43

Unless your daughter begins to behave in a risky way due to angst leave well alone. It's all about learning life skills and learning how to move on. Lots of cuddles (you're never too old!) and reassurance that sxxt happens.

NanaNina · 15/07/2013 00:22

I agree with all posts saying "don't interfere" - and at 15 this girl would probably be horrified if her mom texted one of her friends (who now isn't a friend) but will be again sooner or later! My dil is a teacher in primary and says the girls and the friendship groups is always a problem especially in Year 6 as they fall "in and out" on a regular basis. The boys don't seem to do this so much.

My granddaughter is at secondary school but all girls, and she tells me that there is one girl who gathers a little group around her and none of them talk to anyone outside of the group. Then, one by one the girls that Queen Bee had gathered around her moved out of her "domain" and she then went crying to her older sister in the school who came to remonstrate with the girls for upsetting her sister! Anyway Queen Bee gathered some new girls around her, but then the original ones came back and she dispensed with the new ones! My grd-dghtr just thinks it's funny (these are 13 year olds by the way) and has had a lovely comment on her end of term report that "her emotional maturity is much appreciated in the friendship groups, and her peers look up to her and take notice of her opinions."

They are mixing the girls up in Year 9 and one teacher told them that some girls were "stirrers" and others "peacemakers" and this is how the division was being made. Good idea I thought. Apparently Queen Bee's group have been split up!

I think one of the hardest thing about being a parent is having to stand back when you see your teenager (or adult) son or daughter having a tough time, and don't feel able to help in any way.

Jimalfie · 15/07/2013 09:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monikar · 15/07/2013 10:19

ISing it is particularly hurtful when you yourself have extended hospitality to these girls.

I also agree with not interfering but it is so difficult. Jimalfie is right in my experience with my DD 17- they behave appallingly and then all is forgiven and they seem to move on. I also think that they have much more bitchiness than when I was that age, but that was a very long time ago!

As a mum, you want to put everything right, but there are times when that is impossible, and it is the most painful thing. Girls at this age seem to change their friendship groups often, and chances are they will all be friends again soon.

Something I wish I had known though is never to join in the bitching at home with your DD - in a week or two's time when they have all made up, you will have to be pleasant to these girls and that is going to stick in your throat far more if you have been slagging them off.

Original poster

ISingSoprano · 15/07/2013 13:15

You have all been so kind and your advice is sound. Thank you for reassuring me.

OP posts:

Mynewmoniker · 15/07/2013 22:38

Keep an eye on the social websites for the moment as these tend to feed the stirrers and keep the upset going. Encourage your daughter to distract herself with other things rather than 'checkin' in'.

Hope it's getting easier every day.

dalek · 24/06/2014 16:00

Isingsoprano - my dd is going through something similar at the moment - you are a year on - did it resolve itself?

TIA

Original poster

ISingSoprano · 24/06/2014 18:24

dalek - yes it did resolve itself. The advice to leave alone and give lots of hugs at home was sound. The long summer holiday helped too. I wouldn't say dd regained close friendship with the two girls but they managed to rub along together for year 11 and dd is now looking forward to sixth form college and the chance to reinvent herself and make some new friends.

pm me if you want to talk.

OP posts:

dalek · 25/06/2014 16:10

Thank you for replying.

It's so hard when you are in the middle of it. I feel that my DD's friendships will not recover - here is my thread if you are interested (and if you have time - it's quite long now) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2106613-Friendship-issues

but it is reassuring to hear from someone who has come out the other side.

I have had lots of kind words and advice on the thread but just keep trying to reassure myself.

bertiebottseveryfalvourbeans · 20/05/2020 16:50

i wouldnt do anything except console dd, if you get into it they will go around saying that you are bullying them ughh

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