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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Kids that don't go out.

45 replies

BastardDog · 15/06/2013 15:09

Do other people's dcs go out? Do they spend time with friends? Or perhaps take part in hobbies?

My 12 and 13 yo refuse to join any extra curricular activities, school or otherwise. They both have a few friends who live very locally to us. Their friends seem to be busy most evenings and weekends with activities (tennis, martial arts, Guides, youth club etc) so are not available for my kids to spend time with.

I have nagged, encouraged, cajoled etc etc, but they won't join anything. We live in a medium size town and there's quite a bit of choice, but they simply won't.

When they were little I ferried them to Beavers, swimming, gymnastics, martial arts, street dance etc, but since they started High school they do nothing. Go to school, come home, stay in their rooms, maybe play out for the odd hour or so once a week when a local friend calls, but that's it.

The thought of a looming 7 week summer break with both of them hanging around the house all day is already filling me with dread. I used to enrol them in summer activity days at the local leisure centre, but they're too old now to be accepted.

OP posts:
lljkk · 15/06/2013 15:14

Do they dislike all your suggestions?

13yo DS does Scouts & games workshop but little else (no local friends).

Original poster
BastardDog · 15/06/2013 15:23

It's not a lack of choice, if anything there's too much choice.

They seem to prefer to chill out at home combined with the fact that joining something means making an effort and they can't be bothered.

Part of me would like to see them more involved and doing more with their lives. Another part of me would just like to see them out from behind their TVs, tablets, games consoles, phones etc.

Is that part of the problem I wonder? Too much entertainment in their bedrooms? Maybe I'd have been the same at their ages if I'd had all that in my bedroom.

OP posts:
lljkk · 15/06/2013 15:40

What entertainment do they actually have in bedrooms? DS has books to read, Warhammer & an iPad, but nothing else (can't find his phone).

Original poster
BastardDog · 15/06/2013 16:23

Both got TV with freeview. Both got smart phones with Internet (with web protection). Boy got Xbox, ps and wii. Girl got a tablet and a laptop also with web protection. That's just the main electronic stuff. Also old Nintendo ds, CD players, radio. Plus of course books, games, toys etc.

Are they spoilt? Is that why they won't go out?

Dd is asking for a mini fridge for her room for Xmas and I have said no to that.

OP posts:
lljkk · 15/06/2013 16:36

I wouldn't say spoilt, but certainly comfortable! :). I'm sure plenty of kids hanging on random street corners & planning mischief have similar stuff in their bedrooms, too. Try to look on the bright side.

Mine went to an outdoor adventure place for the day, half term week. Abseiling, archery, Big zipper type stuff. £36/day, though, per child, not cheap! Anything they want to do outside at this age seems to cost ££.

livinginwonderland · 15/06/2013 18:31

I was like that when I was that age. I hated organised activity and when I was forced to take part (school trips, for example), I was miserable. You've offered, they've declined - do you really want to force them into something they don't want to do?

I think at that age, they're old enough to entertain themselves really - surely they can help out at home and generally just amuse themselves? Their friends may well have more spare time over the holidays as well and I'm sure they'll invite people over/go to friends houses more than they might during the term.

expatinscotland · 15/06/2013 18:35

Gawd, leave them at home and go to a cafe on your own during the holidays!

exexpat · 15/06/2013 18:40

DS (14) doesn't do any organised activities outside school at the moment. He did do climbing, but that was at 9.30am on weekend mornings, and apparently expecting a teenager to get out of bed for that was too much to ask...

He does go and hang out with friends sometimes - more in the summer holidays/when the weather is good - and he goes to gigs quite often; he plays the guitar, and there is a vague sort of band arrangement with a few friends, but I can't remember when they last practised. When he doesn't go out, a lot of 'socialising' takes place on Facebook/twitter/skype etc.

I just leave him to it - at that age they know their own interests, and I don't think forcing them into group activities is a good idea. I know I would have hated it.

Original poster
BastardDog · 15/06/2013 19:37

Oh dear. I have a friend whose just coming out the teenage years with her dd and her advice was that I'd have to go out to get a break from them. Hmm

It's all a bit alien to me and dh. At 13 we both had Saturday jobs and worked during the school hols. Dh did organised activities as well, I didn't, but hung about in all weathers with my mates. Dh and I can both remember our mums complaining that we were never home. Confused

Anyone know where I can get a job working evenings and weekends? I might as well earn some money if I've got to be out of the house to get some peace.Wink

OP posts:
teenagetantrums · 15/06/2013 20:57

I think when mine were that age, My DS did army cadets twice a week and some weekends but that was it really didn't really go out with his friends.

My DD didn't really have many friends at that age she didn't settle in high school very well, but she did sometimes go to the park with the few she had.

By the time they were about 15 they were always out with or here with hoards of over teenagers.

Could you not just give them money and tell them to go swimming to the park for a few hours a day if you get fed up with them hanging around?

secretscwirrels · 16/06/2013 10:29

Well I have two hermits here so I'd love to know the answer.

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/06/2013 11:21

Mines stock answer is well at least you know where I am and I dont do drink drugs or smoke...

I just empty his bin and close the door behind me.

Yonididnaedaethat · 16/06/2013 20:07

Since Friday after school the only time my 14yr old DD has stepped outside was to put the recycling out for me, which took all of 30 secs.

Alexia12 · 23/06/2013 18:52

Be glad you know where they are, that they are safe and not out getting drunk, doing drugs and stealing 😊

Travelledtheworld · 23/06/2013 23:55

bastarddog, my kids are 13 and 14 and exactly the same. They rarely go anywhere or do anything, apart from the odd birthday party or trip to the cinema. We have one shared laptop which they fight over,they each have an iPod. Where we live we have rubbish Internet access.

DS 13 has spent the entire weekend on the sofa playing Minecraft with his school friend via Skype.
DD 14 has spent hours washing her hair and sorting out her room.

They don't have any friends who live within walking distance. I ask them frequently if they would like to go out and do something different, but they rarely do.

Son belongs to a local archery club but I have to drag him out to go there. They have both dropped out of scouts and guides.

I had both a horse and an illicit boyfriend plus a Saturday job at the age of 14 so was never at home !

I am just hoping that in another year they will grow out of this. I am very concerned about their lack of exercise because I do quite a lot but they will not join me. DH is working overseas so no help at all!

ICantRememberWhatSheSaid · 24/06/2013 00:16

Do you limit their Internet access? . Perhaps, during the summer, you could restrict Internet access until after 4. It might encourage them to go out.

goodasgold · 24/06/2013 00:29

I had both a horse and an illicit boyfriend plus a Saturday job.

I still thought that I was a horse at 14. I used to gallop around, and neigh at people.

Travelledtheworld · 24/06/2013 08:34

Goodasgold I used to do that too ( whinnies and paws the ground ).
Did your boyfriend go to the "Wrong school" ?

Travelledtheworld · 24/06/2013 08:36

Icantremember...mine will only go out if I put them in the car and physically drive them somewhere.

Yonihadtoask · 24/06/2013 08:37

Same here.

DS has now left Scouts, and has no hobbies as such.

Both DSSs just hang around the house also.

I offer to drive them to friends' houses, have friends over etc.

DS does do that now and again, but it definitely is different from when I was the same age - I was never in the house. But I guess I didn't have the internet, hundreds of tv channels etc.

Travelledtheworld · 24/06/2013 08:37

Oops sorry Goodasgold...misunderstood you there.....

Yonihadtoask · 24/06/2013 08:39

I don't really like it that they don't 'play out' - but haven't enforced it. They all go to different schools slightly out of area - so friends are spread out across the distri
ct.

wordfactory · 24/06/2013 09:20

I think the teen years can go this way sometimes.

I have friends who can't get their DC interested in anyhting.

My own DD is a commensurate joiner-inner, and we struggle to get her into her room. Often too over scheduled. DS, however, is far more happy just hanging.

That said, he plays sports, so there is always training and matches/events. He's not too sociable though, so unlike his sister is extremely unlikely to just call up a friend for a mooch.

wordfactory · 24/06/2013 09:26

OP, how about approaching the summer vac proactively?

Why not tell htem now, that they aint spending all day every day hanging about? Then ask them what they'd like to do. Give some suggestions too.

You'll often find tennis camps at local tennis clubs, footie camps in schools, swimming/lifesaving/diving courses in swimming pools.

If they say they don't want scheduled activities (and I would quite understand that) put the ball in their court.

Drag out the diary. Ask them which friends they'd like over. Could they camp in the garden? Get it booked in!

HabbaDabbaDoo · 24/06/2013 09:37

My kids are too old for the 8am to 6pm holiday clubs that we use to dump put them into while we went to work but around here the leisure centres do one day 10am to 4pm wall climbing courses, for example, for different age groups including teenagers. Then there is fencing, badminton etc etc. Other providers hire out the facilities at the local 'closed for the summer' schools and offer stuff like pottery and cooking classes.

There are options out there. You just need to look :)