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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter went missing for weekend !

28 replies

Fressia · 10/06/2013 02:58

Ok so 14 yr d went out sat avo still not back have had contact via texts , with a friend , sounded drunk last night on phone ! Police involved as reported as missing person ! Refusing to say where she was ,She rang tonight to say she will be home Tom I said u r 14 & can't do this etc ! What do I do Tom when she gets home she is not at school this week due to being excluded for a week ? Help !!!!!

OP posts:

SavoyCabbage · 10/06/2013 04:03

Bloody hell. Have you spoken the the parents of her friend? Is she staying there?

cupcake78 · 10/06/2013 04:39

If she was mine she'd be grounded! Phones, computers, money, house keys, iPad, tv in bedrooms etc all taken off her for a few weeks. If she's excluded from school she'd be left a list of household/garden jobs to do everyday and if she didn't do it then things that had been taken off her wouldn't be given back, things she wanted to do would go and go fast. No new clothes, no concert tickets, no party's for 2 months etc grounding would be extended until she did it.

Me and my sister had our moments (sadly police were involved) and honestly the best thing our parents did was nip it in the bud. The way my sister was kept in was by her hair dryer, makeup etc taken off her so she didn't want to go out. She got a limited amount back until she could prove she was attending school and sticking to boundaries. I was more money/music orientated so all my music was removed from me. I was paid to meet the requirements but only once the time was up and the money was put in the bank not given to me to make up for lost time.

We were taken too and collected from school (very embarrassing at that age) and our parents would call the school a few times a day to check we were actually attending classes.

My sister did rebel. My dad decided she had far to much energy so took her hill climbing at 6 am to wear her out. It nearly killed him and her but she was that exhausted she began to stop fighting.

Yes we were brought up in a POW camp level of strictness but it worked and we learnt the hard way to respect our parents because if we didn't they would and did make our life a living hell!

prissyenglisharriviste · 10/06/2013 04:45

She was excluded from school for a week and you let her go out on a Friday night?

Why was that?

What was she excluded for? How were you proposing to punish her?

She sounds as though she knows you won't do anything anyway, tbh. Only you can fix that, by actually doing something.

Are you working, or sahm? If you are a sahm, then you need to know where she is (within your house) until she is allowed back to school. Completely grounded, no money, phone, whatever.

It doesn't sound as though this is a one off thou, so if you've never exerted authority before, it's going to be hard. No one else can do it though. Entirely up to you.

Original poster

Fressia · 10/06/2013 05:40

Me & the other parent has been in constant contact , the police went to hers to get photo & details , I work nights they phoned me x1 , I rang them yest they haven't phoned me bk at all , she went out sat avo for a few hrs I said but turned out met with this girl ended up in a bad crowd refused to come home wouldn't give details of where they were on the few times we had contact did ring on another phone wouldn't come bk just said be bk Tom .
Excluded for truanting & attitude, I'm struggling as how to keep her in 2 younger siblings I'm trying to protect as well , she has no phone taken off her , no money ! Really hoping she returns today what do I do ?? School said get Camms refural , family counselling session booked but 2 weeks time ! Police don't seem to be doin much

OP posts:

prissyenglisharriviste · 10/06/2013 05:45

I'm sure that the police will come round and read her the riot act when she gets back. It's possible that you might need to request this. Sometimes they can have a bigger impact than just a parent.

And call camhs tomorrow and ask for a cancellation appointment.

Is her father around?

What are the other girl's parents doing? I'm assuming they will be grounding their dd as well.

How was she texting you and calling you if you had confiscated her phone?

prissyenglisharriviste · 10/06/2013 05:46

On the bright side - she was letting you know she was safe - so hopefully there's a shred of common sense in her teen addled head.

Original poster

Fressia · 10/06/2013 05:51

Her friends mobile & a lad who they with , yes she has step dad at home & dad , I will request that with police then , other parent has said not much she can do punishment wise ! I will contact Camms don't I need gp refural ? I just feel like how has this happened to me I'm a genuinely good parent and didn't think or expect this to happen to me I know that sounds stupid and nieve !

OP posts:

Original poster

Fressia · 10/06/2013 05:58

Yes the bright side was I knew she was ok at least no contact would have been awful x

OP posts:

HerrenaHarridan · 10/06/2013 06:03

She was excluded for truanting?

What fucking genius thought that up!

Original poster

Fressia · 10/06/2013 06:11

Yes & because when asked to go back to class she didn't

OP posts:

cupcake78 · 10/06/2013 07:04

I hope this isn't too harsh but its not up to the police of Camhs to get your daughter to go to wake up. Yes they will support you if they can but a chat with the police can be seen as a badge of respect these days, sadly! You and her dad/stepdad need to step up to the mark. I know she's a teenager and none of us were perfect I'm sure but its affecting her education now and her future.

Are her friends really benefitting her? They sound like there doing more harm than good. If she's sneaking out at night when your at work where is her step dad/ dad? If she can't be trusted then maybe she needs a sitter till she can!

I agree her contacting you at least shows a bit of thought but like you said yourself she is 14!

KittieCat · 10/06/2013 08:47

Cupcake78 is speaking a lot of sense. I can't anything more useful than she's already said.

While she isn't causing the police immediate problems they won't have the capacity to discipline your young daughter. You and your OH and her father need to step up and set boundaries with consequences where necessary.

Good luck, OP and remember the MN maxim: this too shall pass...

Catbert4pm · 10/06/2013 09:00

How awful for you.

I believe you do need a referral for CAMHS, via your GP.

Have you also thought of counselling for DD via, say, Family Action? I think this is an option.

Good luck, let us know how it goes.

Original poster

Fressia · 10/06/2013 09:08

We have got a family counselling session booked but not till 24 th June , 17 th June she has a counciling session booked but I need to get her to gp have tried this 2 weeks ago gp asked if she wanted help she said no so that was it gp said nothing they can do ! We have taken her mobile , don't give any money , grounded but left the house sat avo as she was grounded for 1 week then I stupidly aloud her couple hrs out !

OP posts:

Catbert4pm · 10/06/2013 09:45

I am really disappointed in the GP's response, is it worth you talking to the GP again without DD?

Good to hear about the counselling, but agree pity it's not sooner. Done well it should make a positive difference.

Are you getting support from friends in RL too? I hope so.

Stay strong.

Original poster

Fressia · 10/06/2013 13:04

Still not back yet , rang police again ! The one who was dealing with it isn't in till 11pm tonight they goin to get someone else to look at file x

OP posts:

Catbert4pm · 10/06/2013 15:32

Good luck Fressia, thinking of you.

burberryqueen · 10/06/2013 15:35

police might contact SS tbh

Catbert4pm · 10/06/2013 16:35

At least SS will be able to make a referral to CAMHS, since the GP doesn't seem interested.

Hope she's home soon x

tinytalker · 10/06/2013 17:40

I would ask the police to involve social services, tell them you are concerned for her safety. Who knows what's going on, she could be with older men being plied with drink, fags and drugs! This seems to be happening a lot now days!

Catbert4pm · 10/06/2013 17:46

Don't want to be alarmist, but I have to agree with Tiny.

Original poster

Fressia · 10/06/2013 18:50

She is home she phoned me to ask me to pick her up I'm hoping police will come have a talk ! Lets hope app at gp gos ok Tom x

OP posts:

ihearsounds · 10/06/2013 19:07

Ok you need to start beinh consistant with her.
Grounding her and then letting her out for a couple of hours is madness. Why did you do this?

Original poster

Fressia · 10/06/2013 20:00

I feel a bad enough as it is I agree been consistent but how do I keep a 14 in without force she has no phone she has no money x

OP posts:

hotbot · 10/06/2013 20:39

If yuo cant keep her in I would remove all her clothes... You are the adult, she is the child, show some boundaries, and tell her the rules.
I'm not saying its easy, but the level Of disrespect she is showing you is dreadful, it's not up the the police to clear up after families.

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